Hiding the decline, as it were

You know, this just might work:

Start at the age you wish to remain for all time. This is your “desired age” or “DA.” Then every year, subtract the number of years since you started the lie from your current “DA” to arrive at your “Adjusted Age Related to Personhood” or “AARP.” To avoid confusion, it’s easier to just call this number your “age.” Like climate “sceintists,” you will likely find that as your “actual age” diverges from your “desired age” it is necessary to make certain “adjustments” (e.g. face lift, lips suction, etc…) to reconcile your “actual appearance” with the effects of facts: adjust for time and decompensation. Eventually, you can hire a democrat working at the Bureau of Vital Records as a “consultant” to destroy your birth certificate and claim it was lost. Of course, then you will need to kill anyone in your immediate family and friends who knows your actual age, but hey, that’s what SEIU is for. Hope this helps, and Merry Festivus.

(Found in this thread by Joan of Argghh!)


  1. fillyjonk »

    5 December 2009 · 10:38 am

    Eh, the Jack Benny system is a lot easier. And a lot less evil.

  2. sya »

    5 December 2009 · 1:13 pm

    I’m not going to hide my age. One great perk of being old is being able to complain and say it as it is without people thinking you’re just some uppity kid.

  3. McGehee »

    5 December 2009 · 1:16 pm

    And a lot less evil.

    Is there something wrong with being evil?

  4. Kay Dennison »

    5 December 2009 · 5:13 pm

    I’m glad I’m getting old — someone named anonymous said, “Old age and treachery will always overcome you and skill.” I like that — then again I also agree with my favorite curmudgeon, H.L. Mencken, when he said, “The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”

    My 29 year old neighbor keeps my spirits up by telling me that she hopes she looks as good as I do at age 62. I told her she can never move away (or have her vision checked) because I she’s so good for my flagging ego. LOL

  5. Donna B. »

    5 December 2009 · 8:42 pm

    Parts of me will remain 19 forever. Those parts are well-hidden.

  6. Fishersville Mike »

    6 December 2009 · 10:58 am

    Finding Mike, Jon, Ron Announcing…

    Dustbury looks at other data where people would like to “hide the decline.”…

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