18 September 2002
From the Really Dead Tree Department
News Item: Rosie O'Donnell is ending her publishing deal with Gruner + Jahr USA. Matthew Rose says G+J CEO Daniel Brewster told Rosie mag staffers that O'Donnell is effectively shutting down the magazine, but the company will consider other publishing options using the existing infrastructure.
Top Ten Rejected Titles For The Magazine To Replace Rosie:
10. R: The Ricki Magazine
Permalink to this item (posted at 5:00 PM)
16 December 2002
U can't watch this
My cable company, and probably also yours, is doing the hard-sell on the Digital Cable package, which doesn't actually carry digital television but which does contain about 400 channels, some of which you wouldn't watch if they put a gun to your head.
Top Ten Least Popular Cable Channels
Nothing essential here, I should think.
Permalink to this item (posted at 2:53 PM)
22 March 2003
More things Blix missed
If it's seemed to you, as it has to me, that Baghdad isn't putting up much of a fight, well, their arsenal has been, um, rather inaccurately inventoried of late. To correct this error: from the Home Office, hurriedly being relocated to Mozambique even as we speak, Play One on TV presents the Top Ten Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.
(Cripes, even I have one of these.)
Permalink to this item (posted at 2:36 PM)
31 May 2003
More than faintly musty
Here's another text file from the catacombs deep beneath drive D:, dated 30 August 1990. I have no idea where it came from (and if you know proper attribution, please advise). If you write humor, here are ten questions you should be asking yourself:
1. Will my writing make people laugh?
2. Will my writing make people see life differently?
3. Will my writing make the world a safer place for sheep?
4. In case my writing doesn't sell, have I used paper that will double as a coffee filter?
5. If people don't get my jokes, are people stupid or do they simply have no sense of humor?
6. When a 1" melon ball appears anonymously in my mailbox with a note that says "THUMB INDEX," does it mean I've somehow offended the spirit of Dan Blocker?
7. If I'm religious and I swat thirty mosquitoes on a white wall and connect the dots, should I move to the state that the drawing most resembles?
8. If many people's problems are the result of faulty toilet training, shouldn't someone get out there and fix all those faulty toilets?
9. If ladies lead when couples dance backwards, then who wears the pants in a nudist family?
10. If David Letterman were a nice guy, would he be selling shoes at Sears?
11. Oops, I said 10 things. Oh well. Writers always ask themselves more questions than normal people, because they have more answers.
Permalink to this item (posted at 8:24 AM)
29 June 2003
Somehow I'm not surprised
At the suggestion of DavidMSC, I betook myself to BlogMatcher, a Googlesque-looking page that purports to find "other blogs that appear to discuss similar topics." Okay, fair enough. They found 1081 (!) blogs that met their criteria, so the least I could do is look at the Top Ten, and wouldn't you know it, my Top Ten includes nine blogs:
The duplication, of course, occurs because of minor differences in the URL. And who would have thought I'd draw two blogs starting with Q?
Two obvious observations:
(Dave? You were #13.)
Permalink to this item (posted at 4:31 PM)
8 August 2003
Matt Deatherage's Top Ten Bath & Body Works Rejected Scents:
10. Cape Cod Cod
Uh, thanks, Matt.
Permalink to this item (posted at 9:46 PM)
1 May 2004
Did I hear someone say "quagmire"?
Iraq, it goes without saying, is not Vietnam.
Of course, things that go without saying usually end up said anyway, so:
Iraq is not Vietnam.
Note-It Posts, to amplify this point, offers the Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Iraq Is Not Vietnam. A sampling thereof:
10. In all the radio traffic that Fox News has broadcast coming from Iraq, we haven't heard the phrase "Charlie" used a single time.
3. 2004: Smallpox vaccines. 1965: Penicillin shots.
2. John Kerry got two paper cuts and a stubbed toe last week, and hasn't received a single Purple Heart for his pain and anguish.
Seven more where these came from.
Permalink to this item (posted at 10:50 PM)
4 August 2004
Revenge of the Parental Unit
I mean, really: Top Ten Things You May Not Know About Dawn Eden, by Dawn Eden's mom.
The next fifty or sixty are probably just as fascinating, but I can wait. And anyway, it's not like nothing unusual has ever shown up on The Dawn Patrol; my actual phone number turned up there once, though this was my fault and it's not like Dawn ever calls anyway.
Permalink to this item (posted at 7:28 AM)
18 September 2004
The last few bars
Dvorak's Stabat Mater
Beethoven's 5th Symphony
Dvorak's 9th Symphony
Rossini's William Tell Overture
Mussorgsky's Night on Bald Mountain (the Rimsky-Korsakov orchestration)
An impressive set. I might suggest the following for #6 and below:
Hmmm. Wonder if next we should try beginnings?
(Update, 8:20 pm: Greg Hlatky offers his Top Ten, which duplicates none of the above.)
Permalink to this item (posted at 12:32 AM)
13 December 2004
"Slapout" was taken
Top Ten possible new names for the city of Lawton:
(Tip of the sombrero to Mike H.)
Permalink to this item (posted at 2:55 PM)
7 January 2005
Forever and ever, amen
Eternity is a concept I find particularly troubling, if only because it seems to go on for so long. And while death is a scary prospect, one I'm not exactly anticipating with glee, I really don't think I want to live forever either, and I can give you lots of reasons. The top 10 follow:
10. Could single-handedly bankrupt Social Security
9. Methuselah, by age 969, had to endure over fifty thousand Mondays
8. Not looking forward to CSI: Bakersfield
7. Just imagine a metric ton of Metamucil
6. Might want to vote in King County, Washington some day
5. The oldies stations will have quit playing the Beatles
4. Things have just gone to hell since Lindsay Lohan retired as Chief Justice
3. We finally get flying cars and I'm too old to drive
2. New Reform Democrats bitching about the 2288 election
1. Deleting ten-trillionth comment spam
Permalink to this item (posted at 9:17 PM)
25 May 2005
It's a beautiful day in the Naboo 'hood
Under the general heading of Love Stories I've Heard Entirely Too Much Of These Days, you'll find the Anakin Skywalker/Padmé Amidala romance, which is of course doomed, and the Kenny Chesney/Renée Zellweger match, which isn't. Yet.
It takes Fametracker, though, to fuse these into a single concept: The Billboard Country Music Top Ten If Kenny Chesney Were Anakin Skywalker and Renée Zellweger Were Padmé Amidala.
Grateful they didn't mention Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I am.
Permalink to this item (posted at 1:12 PM)
14 June 2005
For your consideration
Now I've read the Gazette long enough to know that they pull in some extra ads during the issues the ballots are circulated, ads from firms and services hoping you'll remember their names when you complete your ballot, and, if you're really lucky, explaining why you should.
You won't find this sort of thing here, not because I'm a shoo-in, which I'm not, but because for every reason I could think of why you should vote for dustbury.com for Best Blog well, here are the Top Ten reasons why you shouldn't:
10. Does anybody understand those damn category names?
9. Inadequate coverage of busty lesbian ninja pirates.
7. Lamest post title in the history of blogdom.
6. Has the temerity to invent forms of profanity instead of sticking to the tried and true.
5. Constantly whining.
4. Can't pronounce a simple name like "Xrlq".
3. Hardly an inimitable style.
2. Still hasn't gotten around to naming She Who Is Not To Be Named.
1. 750,000 people can so be wrong.
Permalink to this item (posted at 7:07 AM)
25 July 2005
Top Ten new opportunities for ousted WB mascot Michigan J. Frog:
10. A cinch to win on American Idol
9. Spokesamphibian for Nair®
8. Editing the newest Gawker Media blog
7. Ambassador to France (pending confirmation)
6. Kicking the asses of those damn Budweiser frogs
5. Could actually do Old Navy ads without having to wear the garb advertised
4. Mayor of San Diego
3. Summer replacement for N. Z. Bear
1. Chairman, Democratic National Committee
Permalink to this item (posted at 1:12 PM)
8 August 2005
And no virgin jokes, either
Top Ten signs that terrorists have infiltrated the blogosphere:
10. SixApart provides MT 4 for free to all users.
9. Dave Winer starts prophesizing that Allah is the one true god, as opposed to himself.
8. Slashdot reports that the latest virus hidden in Blogger blogs actually causes computers to explode.
7. Andrew Sullivan outs himself as being straight.
6. Osamafanclub.blogspot.com tops the Top 100 at Technorati.
5. The BlogHer crowd start claiming that women should get out of the blogosphere and back to the kitchen.
4. Podcasts are hacked and substituted with morning prayers.
3. Jeff Jarvis reports that the latest London bombings are the work of "God's Children against the oppressors of the West."
2. BloggerCon becomes Allah Akhbar Con.
And the Number One sign terrorists have infiltrated the blogosphere:
1. Arabic comment spam.
Permalink to this item (posted at 2:51 PM)
17 August 2005
ICE isn't so cool
Put an "In Case of Emergency" entry on your cell-phone? Don't bother. D. Bunny explains why:
Um, I don't have any last names in my cell's phone book.
Otherwise, this seems eminently sensible to me.
Permalink to this item (posted at 1:32 PM)
15 September 2005
8 simple rules for being President
From "Mother Sally" Allen at NewsOK.com:
Rule One: When a catastrophe story is real, do NOT wait for the DVD.
Rule Two: One reporter with a satellite truck is worth more than a thousand "photo ops."
Rule Three: Turning off the bad news does not turn off the bad news.
Rule Four: When everyone around you is right, something is wrong.
Rule Five: A career change from equestrian arts to federal emergency management is like trading one end of the horse for the other.
Rule Six: Natural disasters, terror attacks and divorces all produce the same result somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Rule Seven: Trading Sammy Sosa is not the worst mistake you could ever make.
Rule Eight: In case of rapture, call the Coast Guard!
Fortunately for me, I will never have to deal with Rule Four.
Permalink to this item (posted at 7:45 AM)
23 September 2005
You can't get here from there
Um, two lumps, please.
Permalink to this item (posted at 7:38 PM)
9 October 2005
Oh, and bring your own chalk
Our man with the high explosives in Norman presumably violated the majority of these helpful rules for Philadelphia suicides:
1. Make sure you're dressed. Mom always said to wear clean underwear and a pair of pants wouldn't be a bad idea, either.
2. While you're at it, take a thorough shower. Even fresh corpses tend to give off an unpleasant odor.
3. Use the restroom beforehand. Otherwise, Mother Nature will do it for you usually at the exact moment the officer picks up your body.
4. Lie down, legs straight, and arms at your side. Body bags and stretchers don't accommodate people with legs akimbo. Rigor mortis is a helluva thing.
5. Try and be tidy. If you're going to use a gun to end it all especially via the melon wrap the back of your head in towels and blankets. Ever try to get blood out of shag carpet? It's a bear.
Other than suggesting that you take your shower before you get dressed, I wouldn't change a thing. Those of you inclined to off yourselves, please consider the impact of your act if not upon your immediate family, then certainly upon the investigating officers.
Permalink to this item (posted at 2:55 PM)
24 October 2005
Equal time, so to speak
Last fall, ABC News put out a poll purporting to show "surprising new findings" about American sexual attitudes, including a sidebar to the effect that Republicans were more satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats. I responded with the top 10 reasons why.
This is not to say, of course, that Democrats take this sort of thing lying down, and last week at the Funniest Celebrity in Washington Contest, Rep. Linda Sanchez (D-CA) pointed out that "all the Republicans who hit on me are married and all the Democrats who hit on me are gay."
But she won't date a Republican anyway, and here are the top 10 reasons why:
10. The only time they believe in fiscal restraint is when the dinner bill comes.
9. His idea of getting to second base is fondling my stock portfolio.
8. He thinks that Emily's List is a call girl service.
7. His idea of oral stimulation is getting me to recite the Contract with America.
6. He thinks that white pantyhose and pearls are sexy and you should see what he wants me to wear.
5. Because when Republicans say that they want to create opportunities for minorities, that means they want to date me and [her sister] Loretta.
4. Despite all the hype, I still can't find his weapon of mass destruction.
3. His pending prison term for political corruption is just another excuse for him to be emotionally unavailable.
2. Republicans are only interested in screwing the poor.
1. Because they make love like they make war: they lie to get in and don't have a plan for what to do once they get there.
(Disclosure: I'm not dating anyone. If this is a surprise to you, you must be new here.)
Permalink to this item (posted at 10:22 AM)
Bag limits not specified
There are, reports Aldahlia in this field guide, four standard types of contemporary Nazis:
Mary-Kate and Ashley Himmler, apparently, are descended from Type 3.
Permalink to this item (posted at 4:16 PM)
4 November 2005
Of course, he only asked for one
The Top Ten reasons follow:
And the Number One reason I read McGehee's blog:
(Assuming, of course, he's allowed to have beer. You never know, these days.)
Permalink to this item (posted at 3:42 PM)
24 November 2005
Bringing in the sleeves
Hmmm. Record-jacket art, eh? Okay, I'll play.
Most recognizable (by general public) album cover:
Top Ten album covers of all time (personal favorites):
And at any moment I'm sure I can think of ten or twenty others which deserve to be up here.
Permalink to this item (posted at 12:01 AM)
22 December 2005
This is just so wrong
Then again, it's not like I've never poached anything from somebody else's comment section before.
The Top Ten Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain:
Thanks to Tom, Bart and Ace.
Permalink to this item (posted at 1:24 PM)
8 January 2006
The world is treating me bad
A University of Chicago survey suggests that Americans are suffering greater misery: 91.5 percent of us suffered at least one "negative life event" during 2004, up 2.4 percent from a previous survey in 1991, and the average number of NLEs was a whopping 4.3, up from 3.8.
The NLEs are on a scale from 1 to 100: the worst is the death of a child, which scores 94.3. The least-miserable event reported in the article is feeling ill enough to seek medical treatment, which scores 51.6. This sounds rather high, and suggests that the scale can't possibly be linear how can two trips to the doctor (103.2) be worse than losing a child? but it does suggest that there is plenty of room on the scale for minor inconveniences. For example:
(Original survey found via such small hands.)
Permalink to this item (posted at 11:22 AM)
24 January 2006
News item: CBS Corp. and Time Warner Inc.'s Warner Brothers television network said Tuesday that they will close their respective UPN and WB networks and jointly launch the CW network.
Top ten network names rejected before coming up with "the CW":
Check your local listings.
Addendum: Any similarity to this is almost certainly deliberate.
Permalink to this item (posted at 2:47 PM)
5 February 2006
Not having anywhere nearly as much fame as James Frey, I figure I'm going to have to punch up some of the incidents in my inevitable upcoming memoir, and where punching up isn't enough, I'm just going to have to fabricate things.
Top Ten possible embellishments:
Of course, I'll have to delete this post when the book comes out.
Permalink to this item (posted at 1:11 PM)
29 May 2006
"Baja Kansas" is out
Fake news item: "Responding to mounting public pressure that the name of the nation's 46th state is offensive to Native Americans, the Oklahoma Legislature has passed and Governor Brad Henry has signed into law legislation that will change the name of the state of Oklahoma effective November 16, 2007. The law, which was drafted by Oklahoma State Senator Polly K. Rekt (I-Bowlegs), calls for a blue-ribbon commission, selected by the Governor, to propose three new names for the state."
From my own Pabst Blue Ribbon commission, the Top Ten Unlikely New Names for the State Previously Known as Oklahoma:
New signage will go up about as soon as we finish cleaning up the rest stops on the Interstates.
Permalink to this item (posted at 1:22 PM)
25 July 2006
A pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot
News Item: Monopoly® money will be phased out in a new version of the game in a bid to keep up with the times. Instead players will use mock Visa debit cards to keep track of how much money they are winning or losing. An electronic machine is provided, which allows the banker to transfer money from players and record their earnings and payments.
Top Ten Other Unnecessary Enhancements to Monopoly®:
That sound you hear is the synchronized spinning of the Parker Brothers.
Permalink to this item (posted at 3:28 PM)
25 August 2006
Reich this way
You have to figure that nobody opening a restaurant suddenly jumps up and shouts, "I've got it! Let's call it Hitler's Cross!" Not likely. Filed away with WD-30 and Preparation C and Nissan's original Infiniti Limited Edition were these rejected theme-restaurant ideas:
Look for coupons in Wednesday's paper.
Permalink to this item (posted at 7:44 AM)
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