Archive for Listing to One Side

Old door, new name

News Item: Kevin Durant’s Bricktown restaurant closed Sunday, but vows to open with a new theme after Labor Day, Hal Smith Restaurant Group said Monday. “The concept will offer an updated atmosphere with a similar menu to what has been available at that location in the past.”

Top Ten new proposals for the restaurant concept to replace Kd’s:

  1. Draymond Green’s Kick It!
  2. Hey, it’s Bricktown, come eat
  3. The Steve Lackmeyer Express
  4. Al Eschbach’s House of Helium
  5. Opubco Imports
  6. Where the Streets Have Several Names
  7. James Harden’s Beard Garden
  8. Bromo Seltzerium
  9. Tag Agent 007
  10. Please, Russ, don’t leave us

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I suspect something up his sleeve

Does anyone see a motive for this?

A Congressional resolution to recognize magic as a national treasure was introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives on Monday.

The resolution was sponsored by Rep. Pete Sessions (R-Texas), with six additional Republicans also attaching their names to it.

The problem, the resolution says, is that magic gets no respect. It has “not been properly recognized as a great American art form, nor has it been accorded the institutional status on a national level commensurate with its value and importance.”

Yet, magic is an art, the resolution insists, going on to cite a number of prominent magicians, including, eight times, David Copperfield.

Let’s see if we can come up with the Top Ten Reasons Rep. Pete Sessions (R-Texas) is pushing for official recognition of magic:

  1. Someone turned him into Newt Gingrich
  2. There must be some way to make Donald Trump disappear
  3. Houdini’s escape-artist expertise inspires weary Congressmen hoping to get out of yet another boring hearing
  4. Mistakenly thinks David Copperfield is the coach of the Orlando Magic
  5. Princess Celestia has asked for funding for a second year of Magic Kindergarten
  6. Wants a tax deduction for his collection of Doug Henning memorabilia
  7. Magic Johnson, if you know what I mean
  8. If the government can’t guess which way the economy will go, at least it can guess what card you picked
  9. Just once, we ought to levitate Chuck Schumer
  10. The only way to beat Hillary is to saw her in half

(Via Fark.)

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6 things we never want to see lists of again

Lynn was grumbling about yet another list, this one called “9 Things Middle-Aged Women Should Stop Doing Immediately.” Things got meta down in the comments when Nicole said there should be a list of “6 Things We Never Want to See Lists of Again,” and I said to myself, “Self? There’s your cue.”

  • “Ten Bands We Really Hate.” The only possibly interesting factor here is whether someone comes up with a way to mention Nickelback twice.
  • “Twelve Ugly Celebrity Body Parts.” Most of the time, this ends up being pictures of orange-peel deposits on the backs of their legs, or shots of their feet. (And if the latter, you will see Halle Berry, who really, truly does not have twelve toes, no matter what you heard.)
  • “Eight Ways to Reduce Carbs.” Scrape out the inside of the burrito, then give the hollowed-out husk to the stray cat from three doors down.
  • “Seven Shows You May Not Have Considered for Binge-Viewing.” At least four of them could be, and should be, According to Jim.
  • “Five National Conversations We Need to Have.” Inevitably, this translates to “Five issues on which you need to be lectured, since obviously you haven’t been taking the subtle hints we’ve been giving you all along.”
  • “Nine Ways to Look Better Naked.” You may reasonably distrust any of these that don’t begin with “Turn off the damn lights.”

Now I’m sorry I brought it up.

Addendum: Lynn herself weighs in.

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It’s a floor wax and a credit card

Top Ten reasons to choose the NBC Saturday Night Live MasterCard:

  1. It’s usable at thousands of locations, and you’re not
  2. Endorsed by Morgan Fairchild, your wife, whom you’ve slept with
  3. Terms and Conditions require you to party on, Garth
  4. It’s cheap enough, it’s pretty enough, and doggone, people like it
  5. Provides standard services at enclosed retail compounds
  6. Samurai payments!
  7. Who’s in your wallet? Could it be … SATAN?
  8. Honored by Da Bears
  9. Double rewards for ignorant sluts
  10. If you ever want to cancel, Sinead O’Connor will come to your house and rip it in half

(Prompted by Costa Tsiokos.)

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Whatever it is, it’s here

News Item: As expected, Microsoft launched a new version of Windows on Tuesday two years after the troubled release of its last operating system, Windows 8. But instead of introducing the expected name, “Windows 9,” Microsoft announced it will jump to “Windows 10.”

Top Ten designations considered by Microsoft before settling on “10”:

  1. 8.2
  2. 9000
  3. Post-Millennium
  4. Seven Classic
  5. XPdited
  6. 666
  7. 640K
  8. 20-20
  9. 9X
  10. OS XI

This seems to be the actual explanation for “10.” (As always, thanks to @SwiftOnSecurity.)

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Something, um, happened

Can’t find your tax-return documentation? Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) to the rescue:

Taxpayers who do not produce documents for the Internal Revenue Service will be able to offer a variety of dubious excuses under legislation introduced by Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX 36) a week after the IRS offered an incredibly dubious excuse for its failure to turn documents over to House investigators.

Under Stockman’s bill, “The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act,” taxpayers who do not provide documents requested by the IRS can claim one of the following reasons:

  1. The dog ate my tax receipts
  2. Convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction
  3. Traded documents for five terrorists
  4. Burned for warmth while lost in the Yukon
  5. Left on table in Hillary’s Book Room
  6. Received water damage in the trunk of Ted Kennedy’s car
  7. Forgot in gun case sold to Mexican drug lords
  8. Forced to recycle by municipal Green Czar
  9. Was short on toilet paper while camping
  10. At this point, what difference does it make?

Stockman’s bill likely faces an uphill battle in Congress, whose attention has been distracted of late by the annual Invertebrate Festival (January 2 until gaveled to a close).

(Via this Smitty tweet.)

Comments (1)




Pavane pour un enfant surmené

You might remember the “Mozart Effect,” the notion that babies given a regular dose of Amadeus come out smarter. Suppose it had been other composers? What then? Greg Hlatky tells us what then:

  • Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never says anything of importance.
  • Bruckner Effect: Child speaks slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
  • Mahler Effect: Child continually screams at great length and volume that he’s dying.
  • Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.
  • Raff Effect: Child becomes a bore.
  • Shostakovich Effect: Child becomes very nervous when his parents discuss sending him to camp.
  • Vivaldi Effect: Child says the same thing 600 different ways.
  • Glass Effect: Child says the same thing 600 times in a row.
  • Ives Effect: Child says 600 different things simultaneously.
  • Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. People stop listening. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.
  • Babbitt Effect: Child talks complete gibberish. People stop listening. Child doesn’t care because his friends think he’s cool.

Side note: Firefox spellchecker choked on only one of those names. Sorry about that, Dmitri.

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A finite list

Jack Baruth explains the bottom of the Infiniti car line — the truck line makes no more sense, but that can wait for another time — thusly:

The G37 is no more. Enter the Q40, which is basically last year’s stripper-model G37 with a different badge. Supposedly an entry-level compact-lux car is coming, which would be named Q30. Think of the Q30 as being the old G20, the Q40 as being the old G37, and the Q50 as being the new G37.

You already know what I think of this scheme. We can only imagine what names they threw away to arrive at this point:

  1. T42
  2. asi9
  3. EcoBurst
  4. 1WK
  5. Z71
  6. 4.9GX
  7. Aluminum Duke
  8. 10.2.4
  9. 2002ti
  10. WD-40

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Non-vertical integration

News Item, Monday: The Oklahoman is returning to downtown. Century Center, 100 W Main, is set to become home to The Oklahoma Publishing Company, The Oklahoman and NewsOK by September 2014, subject to remaining government approvals. About 350 employees will make the move, while the production operation will remain at Britton and Broadway.

Top Ten rejected names for the new Opubco complex downtown:

  1. Gaylordia
  2. The Dwarf Tower
  3. News’ Last Stand
  4. FAO Schmucks
  5. Steve Lackmeyer’s Lunch Room
  6. Stage Center East
  7. Soon to Be a Steakhouse
  8. TIF Central
  9. Darth Mall
  10. Oklahoma City Times Square

Comments off




The check isn’t in the mail

The IRS “Where’s my refund?” site is down this weekend, “due to several factors, including scheduled maintenance,” and one might reasonably ask, “What other factors?”

There are many, but these are the Top Ten:

  1. IRS accidentally got put on the Sequester List
  2. All the field agents’ cars ran out of gas at about the same time
  3. Joe Biden’s doing some replanting, if you know what I mean
  4. Cost of buying votes unexpectedly rose 4.5% this year
  5. Nobody remembers who was supposed to renew domain irs.gov
  6. Congressional health plan expanded to include polygraph tests
  7. Had to cover Antonio Villaraigosa’s unemployment check
  8. Eric Holder had to subpoena himself, causing an endless loop in government computers
  9. Tim Geithner’s late with his payment again
  10. Hey, them drones ain’t cheap

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Featuring the new Rotating Name signage

News Item: The Oklahoma City RedHawks will host a news conference Wednesday [4/4] to announce RedHawks Field in Bricktown will be renamed after the Newcastle Casino.

Naming rights being a competitive sort of thing — highest bidder wins — here are the Top Ten rejected names for the ballpark in Bricktown:

  1. Bass Pro Bowl
  2. The Moshe Talarium
  3. Brewer anything
  4. Civic Center Park East
  5. Project 180 Stadium [3000 seats will face away from the field]
  6. We Swear Larry Nichols Didn’t Name This
  7. Remaining Gaylord Family Bricktown Park
  8. Magnetic Field
  9. Power Balance Pavilion [discontinued]
  10. Steak Sandwich Supreme Stadium

You just don’t get this kind of coverage anywhere else.

Update, 4/5: The Chickasaw Nation, owner of said casino, has backpedaled a bit, and will now bestow the name “Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark” on the facility.

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Mistletoe expressed

News Item: The House adopted a measure Monday that would officially give the state a motto: “Oklahoma — In God We Trust!” HCR 1024, by Rep. Danny Morgan, D-Prague, now goes to the Senate.

Top Ten proposed state mottoes rejected before publication of the House Concurrent Resolution:

  1. “Are we in Texas yet?”
  2. “Try the lamb fries”
  3. “A part-time legislature — and it shows!”
  4. “Wind. Skirts. Do the math.”
  5. “Some of our roads are still free”
  6. “We had blogs before we had indoor plumbing”
  7. “Plains and fancies”
  8. “Even older than New Mexico”
  9. “Fines double in work zones”
  10. “Stay with News 9, we’ll keep you advised”

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A hundred years from now

Bill Quick started up Daily Pundit on Christmas Day 2001, which is widely regarded as a Good Thing. And I’d love to know the definitive answer to this question he poses:

It’s been a hell of a ride. I’m looking forward to another hundred years of it, and hope you are, too. I just wonder how I’ll be delivering the free ice cream a century from now, though.

Assuming that yes, he’ll be around in 2111, here are the Top Ten ways the Blogosphere (a term Quick put to good use) will be different:

  1. Mommybloggers will be supplanted by Grannybloggers
  2. Amish go electronic, will set up videoblog called “TheeTube”
  3. A sample of Gutenberg’s DNA will be used to create a clone, which will then demand royalties from the by-then-defunct Movable Type platform
  4. Mickey Mouse will finally be out of copyright
  5. Top-level domains with fewer than 11 letters will no longer be offered
  6. Google “upgrades” your thermostat
  7. Glenn Reynolds Enterprises charges 21 cents to use the word “Heh”
  8. WordPress will actually figure out how to maintain a database with a minimum of overhead
  9. Al Gore is burned in effigy for inventing the Internet
  10. Robert Stacy McCain will get invited to a convention

Disclaimer: Whatever disclaimers may be necessary in 2111 are herewith invoked, just in case.

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Quantum of silliness

Earlier this week, Francis W. Porretto saw fit to disclose the most popular explanations for why Science has yet to find the Higgs boson; in the interest of broadening the scope of the investigation, I herewith present the least popular explanations.

  1. Jon Corzine spent it
  2. Harold Camping predicted it would arrive back in October
  3. Al Gore’s TV network signed it for a series, and no one has seen it since
  4. One of the Kardashians is saving it for a future wedding ring
  5. “I do think at a certain point you’ve found enough particles”
  6. Tim Geithner is claiming it as a tax deduction
  7. #OccupyElectronShell is attempting to blockade it
  8. Betty White gets first claim on it
  9. That “God particle” business has the atheists all butthurt
  10. Elvis will bring it when he returns in 2012

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What do we want? This!

News Item: Occupy Wall Street movement issues proposed list of demands.

Next Top Ten Demands of Occupy Wall Street movement:

  1. Unemployment benefits extended to 99 years
  2. New logo for Bank of AmeriKKKa
  3. Tim Tebow off television forever
  4. Selective Service reactivated to select dates for Janeane Garofalo
  5. Government to ration meat, Michael Moore to receive first batch of ration coupons
  6. Investment bank to be renamed “Goldman Sucks”
  7. Jersey Shore recast with progressives, plus Snooki
  8. Global Temperature Saving enacted, thermometers to be set back 5 degrees in March, forward again in November
  9. Double Rainbow Guy to be named Secretary of something
  10. More cowbell!

The movement reserves the right to change its mind without notice.

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TRAG

Since my last attempt at a neologism didn’t exactly become a household word, here we go again, with an XTLA (Extended Three-Letter Acronym): “Technology Rejected At Goodwill.”

It begins with Harvey’s semi-innocent question: “Which of the following do you still own?”

  1. phonograph turntable (two)
  2. phonograph turntable capable of playing 78s (neither, alas, though I have been known to play things at the wrong speed and then digitally speed them up)
  3. 8 track player (no)
  4. cassette player (four, two component decks, one Walkman, one in the car)
  5. 5 1/4 floppy drive (in my backup machine)
  6. 3 1/2 floppy drive (in all three machines)
  7. a car with a carburetor (not since 1995)
  8. a non-cable-ready TV (two portables)
  9. a dial phone (yes)
  10. a corded phone (yes, same phone as #9)
  11. a winding wristwatch (yes, though it needs repair)
  12. a manual typewriter (not anymore)

Brian J. suggests a few additions. I have no ancient game consoles, but I do have three working VCRs, one of which is Beta format (and Beta Hi-Fi at that), and a LaserDisc player.

And come to think of it, I donated a non-cable-ready TV (19-inch Curtis Mathes, the most expensive television in America, and darn well worth it) to Goodwill circa 2001. Maybe this neologism needs a little fine tuning.

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Blue screen of defecation

News Item: Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft who has morphed into the world’s best-known philanthropist, wants to reinvent the toilet.

Top Ten ways a Bill Gates-designed toilet would be different:

  1. Occasionally crashes for no discernible reason
  2. Every week it seems a little heavier
  3. Changing the flapper requires remote reactivation
  4. On Tuesday night you have to flush at least twice whether you used it or not
  5. You can use a third-party handle, but you have to leave the original one in place
  6. After several years plumbers will refuse to work on it
  7. Steve Jobs will rush out an iJohn for twice the price
  8. Confusion about the term “American Standard”
  9. Can’t remember the most recent seat position
  10. You never know what’s downloading

(Inspired by SteveF at Daily Pundit.)

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Act balmy

Nancy Friedman reveals a new development from Big Pharma:

Pfizer’s exclusive patent rights to Viagra begin to expire next year, and the pharmaceutical company is taking what you might call prophylactic measures. This month the company will introduce generic Viagra in New Zealand under the name “Avigra” — an anagram of “Viagra.”

I predict that this practice will catch on, and that these new generics will rocket to the Top Ten on the sales charts:

  1. AnVita
  2. Opalrex
  3. LateSun
  4. Saxfoam
  5. Sequel OR
  6. Dread-All
  7. SaneFlo
  8. DocAvert
  9. BeamIn
  10. Coorz

Or, you know, not.

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Off the wall

News Item: Parents Lior and Vardit Adler have named their newborn daughter “Like” after Facebook’s “like” button, reports Galgalatz, an Israeli news outlet.

Top ten names rejected by Lior and Vardit Adler before settling on “Like”:

  1. Farmville
  2. Cher (pronounced “Share”)
  3. Huffpo
  4. Spam
  5. Assad
  6. Zuckerberg
  7. Newt
  8. Profile
  9. Antifile
  10. Trump

(Via Fark.)

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The manlier arts

Out of this list of thirty proposed Irreducible Characteristics of Man, I manage to qualify on twenty-point-something. (Regarding #5, while I have definite carnivore tendencies and have been observed in public downing a brewski, I have never actually felt compelled to set foot in Hooters; I’m told that the experience is valued more highly than the food, which runs counter to my post-Molly Murphy’s idea of what a restaurant ought to be.)

That said, though, several of the items listed aren’t at all specific to the male of the species, nor should they be. As a practical matter, I know more women than men who have slogged their way through Atlas Shrugged (#23). And #27 perplexes me:

He keeps his opinion when everyone else agrees with it. He keeps it when just about everybody is disagreeing with it. He only abandons it when the evidence tells him he should.

So doing doesn’t make you male, or even masculine; it makes you sensible.

Note: I do not consider this exercise to be the equivalent of getting in touch with my feminine side. And trust me, I have good metrics for that.

(Suggested by Andrea Harris’ take on the same list.)

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Girls on wheels

Via Fritinancy, we find this frightfully-detailed list: the International Rollergirls’ Master Roster, which lists nearly twenty thousand practitioners of this fine art, and the names they’ve adopted for themselves.

A few I found worthy of repeating here:

  • Anaïs Ninja
  • Beth Amphetamine
  • Blanch Davidian
  • Carmen Monoxide
  • Dread Pirate Roberta
  • Formalda Heidi
  • Irrational Velvet
  • Joan Cougar Menstrualcramp
  • Malice Trebek
  • Regreta Garbo
  • Sandra Day O’Clobber
  • Shirley Mae Q. Cry
  • Tara Newone
  • Trudy Struction
  • Val Catraz
  • Yvette Horizon

If you check out the whole list, be advised that some of them may confound or infuriate your work filters.

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Thinking the unthinkable

So what happens if both Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno decide that they’ve been screwed by NBC and will take their business elsewhere, thank you very much? Who will take the reins at America’s Late Night Leader? For NBC, it’s time to come up with some new shows, or at least some shows that can be sold as new. Suggestions:

  1. How I Met Your Brother
  2. Law & Order: Wichita
  3. So You Think You Can Run for President
  4. As long as it has cute vampires, who cares?
  5. The Sham-Wow Hour of Power
  6. Olympic Classics: Summer 1988
  7. How I Met Your Sister
  8. Tim Russert: Defining a Century
  9. The Best of Carson
  10. Armenian Idol

Check your local listings for your NBC station, if it hasn’t already defected to Fox.

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Recovery in 30 weeks or it’s free

Stan Geiger has no problem with the Federal Pay Czar:

I like the idea of the federal government limiting compensation for executives of companies that have taken tax money. If nothing else, such a move fires a round across the bow of any executive in this country that thinks he or she can drive a company into the ground, get bailed out with gubment money, and still grab off those personal millions. Screw ’em.

Of course, the “brain drain” argument shows up. Why, if these geniuses don’t get paid their millions upon millions, they’ll go to work somewhere else. Fine, let them quit. Let them go to work delivering pizzas. That’s where they belong.

Not so fast, Stan. If, for instance, Bank of America execs were delivering pizzas, this is what you could expect:

  • Arbitrary change of toppings
  • Annual fee for living on the delivery route
  • A baleful look if you question the recommended 29.9 percent tip

It’s gotta be the coal mine for these guys.

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Disordered lists

We begin with a quote from Dogette:

1. Why do I do these posts with lists and numerical little bits of crap? Why can’t I just post like you’re supposed to — in coherent paragraphs of prose? The answers to these and other mysteries, in our next numbered item.

2. I lied.

Personally, I think lists are defensible as blogfodder:

  1. People occasionally like to look at lists. I have a whole freaking category devoted to lists.
  2. For that matter, Irving Wallace and his kids put out whole books of lists.
  3. Sometimes it’s actually easier to come up with a list than a coherent paragraph of prose.
  4. Provided, of course, you don’t lose count.

But hey, that’s life in Beautiful Downtown Blogdom.

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Missile tofu

News Item: The [UN] Security Council unanimously passed a U.S.-drafted resolution that endorses the eventual goal of “a world without nuclear weapons.” It lays out steps for nuclear powers to trim their arsenals, while making it harder for other nations to convert civilian nuclear programs to military ones.”

Top Ten other things the UN Security Council believes the world should be “without”:

  1. The heartbreak of psoriasis
  2. The Jonas Brothers
  3. Temperature variations
  4. Pesky bloggers
  5. Billionaires, except for that Soros guy
  6. Type A Taipei personalities
  7. John Bolton
  8. Michael Bolton
  9. Anyone Adam Sandler has ever sung about approvingly
  10. Parking tickets for diplomats

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Metal fatigue

Gold? Platinum? Titanium? Old hat, says JPMorgan Chase:

Chase Card Services, a division of JPMorgan Chase & Co. today introduced Chase BlueprintSM, an innovative set of features that dramatically improves the way customers can manage their spending and borrowing.

Blueprint will be available at no charge to twenty million customers using one of four leading Chase cards: Chase FreedomSM, Chase SapphireSM, SlateSM from Chase (formerly Chase Platinum), InkSM from Chase and other Chase business cards.

Slate? Ink? And you thought American Express (Optima, Blue, Clear) was weird. But you should see the names Chase threw away:

  1. Cubic zirconia
  2. Dilithium
  3. Microfiber
  4. Bismuth subsalicylate
  5. Malevolent scum [oh, sorry, that’s some other bank]
  6. Platformate
  7. Unobtainium
  8. Macrofiber
  9. Boron
  10. Gypsum

Ultimately, no one will understand any of this stuff, which presumably is the whole idea.

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Ring job

News Item: The Tulsa 2020 Committee on Tuesday presented the City Council with the idea of the city making a bid to host the 2020 summer Olympic games.

Top Ten things that will happen before Tulsa hosts the Olympics:

  1. A phone booth in Grand Island, Nebraska becomes an independent nation
  2. Walmart trades the remains of General Motors to the Chinese for two pallets of paper towels
  3. NBA expands to Shanghai, Guam, Tel Aviv, and Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan
  4. Monument to Ted Kennedy opens at the New England Aquarium
  5. The last Twitter tweet is sent; it’s a retweet
  6. Chuck Norris dies, gives St. Peter roundhouse kick, returns to earth aged 22
  7. Congress, fearing the wrath of voters, cuts the top marginal income-tax rate back to 50 percent
  8. Bill O’Reilly embarks on his new career as a monk
  9. Facebook announces its first nuclear test
  10. Sally Kern and Jim Inhofe lead the OKC Pride Parade

Don’t expect all of these things to happen at once.

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Highly logical, this fragrance

Pon Farr by Genki

Genki’s “Pon Farr”, introduced (of course) at Comic-Con ’09, is “a refreshing fragrance that is both invigorating and dramatic with light, clean top notes of citrus, blackcurrant, lotus blossom and water lily … with base notes from sandalwood, peach and mulberry.” Fifty milliliters will run you about $30, or the equivalent in Federation credits. For the men, there is, or was, “KHAAANN!”, which has sold out, although “Red Shirt” and “Tiberius” are still available.

Which makes me wonder what sort of ideas they threw away:

  1. “Chanel No. 7 of 9”
  2. “Tricordia” (“It’s scent, Jim, but not as we know it”)
  3. “Bajoran Again”
  4. “Kes in the Dark”
  5. “Stages of Acquisition”
  6. “Midnight Trill”
  7. “Kobayashi Marooned”
  8. “Cardassia” (“There are four scents!”)
  9. “Jem-Hadari!”
  10. “Q” [he insisted]

(First sighting at Popgadget.)

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Right in the dystopian undertones

“When correctly viewed,” said Tom Lehrer, “everything is lewd.”

As always, Professor Lehrer was ahead of his time:

Seeing an article about the naughty language policies on Xbox Live generated two corollary effects:

1. The creation of this strip. Then,

2. A meditation on the feasibility of ever outrunning profanity.

A year ago, we saw a quiz thing that asked you to determine which of four odd phrases were euphemisms for sexual acts. By the time we had discovered this question, every item on the list had developed a carnal reputation. That is to say, every item. We are fast approaching a point where ordering a sandwich at a deli will land you in prison. While I’m intrigued by the dystopian undertones of this scenario, I don’t necessarily want to live under its strictures, not least of which because I tend to frequent delis.

Some of the things routinely done by bloggers, in fact, might sound perfectly filthy:

  • Working on the back-end
  • Refreshing the templates
  • Repositioning the header
  • Purging a pingback
  • Redirecting the feed

If this sounds a lot like “Horrifying Clichés” by Paul Coker, Jr., as featured in Mad, well, you know my early influences.

(Seen on a trip through TJICistan.)

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I should know better than this by now

I promised myself I wouldn’t hang out on Twitter unless I came up with ten good reasons to justify it. I’m still not so sure about “good,” but here are ten reasons:

  1. Tired of fluttering back and forth between other people’s streams
  2. Wanted to see if anyone had had the temerity to swipe the name
  3. Fear of becoming long-winded in my old age
  4. How hard can it be if Ashton Kutcher can do it?
  5. Heard there was going to be a prize for Fewest Followers
  6. Consistency demonstrated in being once again several years behind the cool kids
  7. No other hope of snagging a girlfriend in Argentina
  8. Free extraneous links to the blogstuff
  9. Thought “hashtag” was something you played at Cracker Barrel
  10. Trini’s out of town for the weekend

So be it, then.

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