Archive for Say What?

Worst pork chops ever

Wait, what?

Maybe I’ll skip dessert.

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I don’t think so

As the textbooks used to say, correlation does not equal causation:

Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can cause pregnancy

Go home, sign-printer, you’re drunk.

(From Seriously, For Real? via Miss Cellania.)

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Whatever that ocean’s called

At least the airline had a sense of humor about it:

This might have been the best of all the responses:

Well done, sir.

(Via Bayou Renaissance Man.)

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Tar Heels sticking it out

Despite half a billion having no power:

Fox News: More than 500 million without power in North Carolina

Last Census estimate I saw, North Carolina had about 10.3 million people. Fox can look this stuff up just as easily as I can.

(Via @SisterToldjah.)

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Watch your step

The floor is something, um, less than stationary:

Motorhome advertisement

(From Bad Newspaper via Miss Cellania.)

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A handle on things

To explain:

Not terribly long ago, The Scotsman newspaper printed a helpful list of 15 words that have alternate meanings in Scotland. It pointed out that pudding has nothing to do with a Jell-O mix but is often a sausage made from pigs’ blood, that messages means grocery shopping, and that if you mince something, you’ve pretty much effed it up.

Unfortunately, the paper failed to include chug on the list, which is why Mountain Dew UK is being dragged across Scottish Twitter for inadvertently telling everyone that they’re chronic masturbators.

The late Roger Miller was not available for comment.

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Out of area

Some people in the Bay Area insist that they’d never live anywhere else, that “anywhere else” might as well be something like this:

Ad for 10741 Pig Turd Alley, Amador City, California

Google Maps is here to believe you:

Map of Amador City, California

Amador City, in Jackson Amador County, California, has a population of not quite 200.

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We may assume they’re serious

On the other hand, it’s kind of hard to imagine that they have much of an enforcement budget:

Minnesota law prohibits underwater smoking

(From Bits and Pieces via Miss Cellania.)

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Pushing all their buttons

Well, one of them, anyway:

Just up the road a piece from Mike Hunt.

This logo appears to belong to KTVU, the Fox affiliate in the San Francisco Bay area.

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At least cleanup is easy

There was a time when the American Kennel Club discouraged dog-show exhibitors from bringing along the really young (under six months) puppies, presumably out of a desire to preserve order in the show ring. Now there are classes for puppies as young as four months; the first time I heard of this, I asked when they were going to start judging embryos.

But this is weirder than anything I could have come up with:

The Stuffed Dog Class Special Attraction is a pre-Pee Wee Competition class. The Stuffed Dog class is geared toward children 2–4 years of age.

Each Stuffed-Dog unit consists of the child, his/her parent/guardian/responsible adult, and the child’s stuffed dog. Only one Stuffed-Dog unit is in the ring at a time. This is not a competitive class, but rather a fun, learning experience for the child and the adult.

  • All stuffed dogs must be supplied by the parent/guardian/responsible adult and must have a proper lead and collar.
  • A responsible adult must be present with the child both inside and outside the ring.

One assumes that the Stuffed Dog will be well-behaved in the ring. The kid holding the lead, maybe not so much.

This is not a regular feature yet: I’ve seen it announced in only a single evemt so far. But as Dylan might say, it’s only the one, and it’s out there on Highway 61.

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Finally an answer

Perhaps not the answer, but surely an answer:

(Via snipe.)

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A very specific obsession

I’m not entirely sure I understand why this is happening:

Here’s an unexpurgated version of the interview. Now I attended Catholic schools for a time, and I remember their obsession with skirt lengths, but geez, that was 50 years ago.

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Cataract Eldorado

The Dean McGee Eye Institute sent me a flyer to announce an open house for their optical shop (and offer 50 percent off frames!), which is something I might actually use. Then on the back, there’s a reference to their surgical procedures:

  • LASIK
  • Cosmetic Eyelid Surgery
  • Premium Cataract Surgery

Can anyone tell me what makes a particular cataract surgery “premium”?

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You’re too young, Groot

Mr. Stark will review all applications personally.

To check on your application, dial 1-800-THANOS.

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I’m honored, I guess

Fax received:

Women of Distinction nomination

I’d just like to know what I did to merit consideration as a Woman of Distinction.

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Leaving it all behind

National Public Radio ‘fesses up:

Well, yeah. “El ano de la mujer” means “the anus of the woman.”

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Berry appropriate

If Ian Fleming had seen this, you just know he’d have used it:

Probably wouldn’t happen today, though. Not exotic enough.

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It helps to remain flexible

Sometimes it even saves money:

Boneless kids eat free

(From Bad Menu via Miss Cellania.)

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Don’t be literal

Star Trek’s Universal Translator is a long way away, despite Google’s best efforts:

Doesn’t mean it can’t be done, only that it hasn’t.

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I could probably use the wash

Then again, vacuuming frankly sucks.

Wash & Vacuum Senior Citizens $15.95

(Via Analytical Grammar.)

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Eventually this will be mandatory

But for now, it’s just tokenism:

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56k lives!

A furniture-store ad from yesterday’s Oklahoman yielded up this deal:

Elite Modern

Had it not been for the logo, I’d have read that as “Elite Modem,” and wondered where my old US Robotics modem went.

For that matter, I’d like to know what happened to my 1200-bps Hayes.

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Help like this I don’t need

Or maybe I’m reading it wrong:

Liquor home delivery in Mumbai

After all, it could keep someone from having to drive back from the liquor store.

(From Things That Cannot Save You via Miss Cellania.)

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Gas gauged

Even our Best and Brightest occasionally head down the wrong road:

Background:

Shaquille O’Neal has a doctorate in education, but everyone has a brain fart occasionally. His came on the TV show Inside the NBA, which can be classified as either a sports talk show or a comedy. The subject is how to save money on gas, which devolves into a comedy of errors as each participant focuses on a different aspect of the problem.

It’s about two minutes in before Shaq figures out his math error, but the logic problem remains. The price of running this particular car is going to be the same no matter how often you stop for gas or how much you put in. And the entire cast is ignoring the fact that the size of the tank really has no bearing on its mileage. What really matters is how how many miles you can drive on a gallon of gas.

“The Duality of Humor and Aggression in Leadership Styles.” If that isn’t a Shaq doctoral capstone, I don’t know what is. (Yes, it was; he completed his degree work in 2012.)

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But is it worth the price?

Food for thought, so to speak:

Or maybe those better fries are coming from some guy named Al. You can’t always tell with some of these fonts.

(Via Alexandria Brown.)

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Intelligence that’s really out there

An excerpt from Ariel Waldman’s official bio:

Ariel Waldman sits on the council for NASA Innovative Advanced Concepts, a program that nurtures radical, science-fiction-inspired ideas that could transform future space missions. She is the co-author of a congressionally-requested National Academy of Sciences report on the future of human spaceflight and the author of the book What’s It Like in Space? Stories from Astronauts Who’ve Been There. Ariel is the founder of Spacehack.org, a directory of ways for anyone to participate in space exploration, and the global director of Science Hack Day, a grassroots endeavor to prototype things with science that is now in over 25 countries. In 2013, Ariel received an honor from the White House for being a Champion of Change in citizen science.

Her ability to explain tricky astrophysical phenomena to us nonscientific types is darn near nonpareil:

And yet this happens:

As “matching algorithms” go, that one needs to.

Chris Waigl, reading that on Facebook, came up with the proper response:

(Maybe a suitable answer is: “It wasn’t clear from your message, but if you’d like me to work on your algorithms, my consulting rate is X.”)

Headhunters, human and artificial, should listen up.

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Half a sack

Apparently I don’t understand American football (known as “football” in the US) as much as I used to, if I ever did.

ESPN is carrying an AP wire story about Marcus Williams, a cornerback just signed to a one-year deal by the Arizona Cardinals. The obligatory stats paragraph:

The 5-foot-11, 196-pound defensive back has 10 interceptions, 20 passes defended, 107 tackles (92 solo), 2.5 sacks and two forced fumbles in his career.

They split the credit for sacks these days?

I checked the local newspaper, and there was the same story — except that stat was listed as “2½ sacks.” Stylebook differences, I suppose.

Still, “half a sack” could describe any number of American politicians. As could “forced fumbles,” now that I think about it.

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Does not count as breakfast

You probably shouldn’t ingest this stuff anyway:

We’re pretty aware that when it comes to beauty trends, there’s some pretty weird stuff out there. Tanning gummies, Harry Potter hair … you get the idea.

But we have to admit we were a little surprised (and confused and terrified) when we found out about the limited-edition Cheesy Shampoo and Wakin’ Bacon Conditioner from bagel company Einstein Bros. Seriously, it exists.

Really, it does:

Cheesy Shampoo and Wakin’ Bacon Conditioner

Or anyway, it did:

Astonishingly, the $10 duo is already sold out online — proof that people really do want to smell like smoked meat.

It’s an aphrodisiac like no other.

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Facing the wrong way

I can see why this would be trending, though:

And who knew there were any tops in Congress?

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A very slow fast

If someone had told me this, I’d have taken my chances with the triglycerides:

Individuals interested in the blood draw can't have anything to eat or drink for 10 years

(From Bad Newspaper via Miss Cellania.)

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