Archive for Table for One

A woman scorned

And apparently there’s a very good reason for this:

A woman accused of bombarding a man with 65,000 text messages after a single date is now believed to have sent more than twice that amount.

According to court documents obtained by the Arizona Republic, then 31-year-old Jaqueline Ades, of Phoenix, sent the victim more than 159,000 texts — many of them threatening — over a 10-month period starting in July 2017.

“I’d wear ur fascia n the top of ur skull n ur hands n feet,” one of the alleged texts read.

Another read, “I’d make sushi outta ur kidneys n chopsticks outta ur hand bones,” according to police.

That’s more than 500 texts a day.

Police noted in her arrest record that she showed signs of mental illness.

Well, duh.

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Pick her up just to say hello

So you saw this ravishing creature on the Mizzou campus and she barely comes up to your clavicle. Should you pursue? Hold that, Tiger:

Getting up the courage to ask someone out on a date can already be nerve-racking, but now that college campuses have completely gone off the deep end, that fear will be intensified.

Today’s crazy comes from — unsurprisingly — the University of Missouri, best known for torpedoing its enrollment rates after campus protests led a professor to threaten a student journalist. An official at Mizzou indicated during a deposition that a male student who was physically larger than the female student he asked out may have violated the school’s Title IX policy because his physical size gave him “power over her.”

Apart from the occasionally Deeply Troubled 350-pound Tumblrina, who exactly benefits from this?

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Something happens and I’m head over heels

Really, the title of this piece tells you more than you wanted to know: “Man set for world’s first head transplant cancels surgery after falling in love.”

That’s what it says:

A man who volunteered for the world’s first head transplant has cancelled the landmark surgery because he has a new girlfriend and “miracle” baby son.

Disabled Valery Spiridonov, 33, was ready to have his neck severed by Professor Sergio Canavero — dubbed “Dr Frankenstein” — and his head reattached to a new, healthy body.

But he has changed his mind after starting a family with new love Anastasia Panfilova.

Professor Canavero is now working in China where he has received funding for his research while Mr Spiridonov, who became world famous for his readiness to be decapitated for science, has found his own extraordinary new life.

The computer expert worked for two years with Dr Canavero but now accepts the doctor’s first attempts at the futuristic surgery will be on Chinese volunteers rather than him.

This, we are told, is the girlfriend:

Girlfriend of guy who was scheduled for a head transplant

Yeah, I think I’d even forget about that tonsillectomy.

(Via Jeff Faria.)

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A sharp stick from the Eye

No, you can’t have severance. Not yours:

Leslie Moonves, the former boss of CBS, will not receive a $120m (£95m) severance package after an inquiry into alleged sexual misconduct.

The US broadcaster said it had found that were grounds to fire Mr Moonves “for cause” including his “willful and material misfeasance.”

Mr Moonves stepped down in September following fresh claims he had sexually harassed or assaulted six more women.

He said that the accusations made in The New Yorker magazine were untrue.

In a statement, CBS said Mr Moonves had failed to co-operate fully with the company’s investigation into the allegations against him.

It also said he had had violated company policy and was in breach of his employment contract and as a consequence he would not receive any severance payment from CBS.

Still unexplained: how Moonves could possibly have been bored by wife Julie Chen.

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A late arrival, one might say

A few days back, I wasted some time and space on the delusion held by some men to the effect that they think their junk is about to disappear. But weirder things than this actually happen:

Some children with a rare genetic condition appear female at birth but later develop a penis and testes around the time puberty begins. But what causes this to happen?

An article in BBC Magazine tells the story of some children in the Dominican Republic with this condition, who are known in the country as Guevedoces, which roughly translates to “penis at 12.” One child named Johnny was raised as a girl, but when he matured and neared puberty, he grew a penis and his testicles descended, according to the BBC.

Felicita apparently looked like any other girl until puberty kicked in. Enter Johnny.

Are these, then, trans men? After all, they were identified as female at birth. And I wonder if any of them decided, even after Mr. Johnson arrived, to continue to live as the girls they thought they were.

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Get down on Frey day

The award finally came:

Years after gaining notoriety for embellishing parts of his memoir A Million Little Pieces, the US author James Frey has a new notch in his bedpost: the 2018 bad sex in fiction award.

Seeing off competition from an all-male shortlist that included Haruki Murakami and the Man Booker prize-nominated Gerard Woodward, Frey won for his novel Katerina, a “fictional retelling” of a love affair the author started while on a hedonistic trip to France in the 1990s. The story follows Jay, a young American would-be writer, as he drinks and bonks his way around Paris, particularly with a Norwegian model named Katerina.

The award’s judges at the Literary Review said they had been swayed by several sex scenes in the novel, which include encounters in a car park and in the back of a taxi, but were especially convinced by an extended scene in a Paris bathroom between Jay and Katerina that features eight references to ejaculate.

You can read it at the link. I don’t think I want that stuff dripping all over the server.

Frey, who shot to fame with his 2004 memoir about his drug addiction, A Million Little Pieces, and later became even more famous when the book was proved to contain embellishments, has been nominated for the bad sex award before, in 2011 for his novel The Final Testament of the Holy Bible.

Heh. “Shot” to fame.

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Girl for hire

That title probably suggests something very obvious to you.

And you would be correct.

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Goody, goody gumdrops

Be it resolved:

I am not in a position to evaluate this claim. Fortunately, we have the 1910 Fruitgum Company to take it on:

Poor old Mr. Jensen was not available for comment.

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The singer of his dreams

Actual women, some men seem to have decided, are just too much trouble:

A Japanese man has married his virtual reality hologram this month during a ceremony in Tokyo.

Akihiko Kondo, 35, spent ¥2 million (£13645.50) on a formal ceremony at a Tokyo hall to Hatsune Miku, an animated 16-year-old hologram with saucer eyes and lengthy aquamarine pigtails.

Mr Kondo’s mother, along with all of his relatives, refused an invitation to her only son’s wedding.

“I’ve always been in love with Miku-san,” he said, using a honorific that is commonly employed in Japan, even by friends. “I’ve been thinking about her every day,” he told AFP a week after the wedding.

Since March, Mr Kondo has been living with a moving, talking hologram of Miku that floats in a $2,800 desktop device.

You’ve almost certainly heard the young lady’s voice before; this is perhaps her biggest hit, though she didn’t write it.

(Via Fark.)

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Lively and spirited

This is weird enough:

Many social media junkies may have already heard of Amethyst Realm, a spiritual counselor from the U.K. who claims that, after having sex with over 20 ghosts, she is now engaged to a spirit. She told The Sun that she felt the other-worldly presence enter her life while she was on a trip to Australia, and things soon got serious (she and the spirit are set to “marry” next summer).

At which point, Ryan Reynolds of the Mutual Trolling Society — the other member is wife Blake Lively — decided to score a point:

The official HelloGiggles explanation:

LOL. (Realm does kind of look like Lively, doesn’t she?)

I think I lean a little closer to the viewpoint of Popeye the Sailor: “Ghosks is the bunk.”

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Dreaming with a broken heart

Does John Mayer have sex while his own records are playing? No, he says:

“A girl has asked me to sing some of my songs in probably the run-up to it,” he confessed, explaining, “If it’s after a show and a girl asks, ‘Sing “Your Body is a Wonderland”,’ do you want to be the kind of guy who goes, ‘No,’ or do you want to be the kind of guy that goes like, ‘We’ve got the afternoon…?’ You want to play along … I probably used my music to hook up a few times, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less from the heart.”

That said, perhaps it’s that Mayer has outgrown his bedhoppers-anonymous reputation: “The older I get, the less desirous I am about unsheathing new body parts.”

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Some of them want to use you

Does it seem to you that there’s an awful lot of sexual abuse going on these days?

When I was in medical school, we were assured most of these accusations were not true, merely psychological projections (and indeed, some were, and some were also induced false memories, and some conveniently remembered stuff to get money).

But in the late 1960s we were also told by psychiatrists teaching us that all mental illness was due to sexual frustration (Freud’s idea) so that girls who said “no” but were forced into sex was okay, because she really wanted it or needed to lose her “inhibitions.” But what was worse was that back then, some people were pushing the idea that it might be a good thing if a child was initiated into sex by a “loving” adult.

I saw 3 or 4 cases of sexual abuse each month when I was in private practice, or heard about it from my adult women patients (because the majority of my patients were women, but also because I evaluated most of the abuse of young girls, being the only lady doc in town).

The abuse was usually by a family member or a friend of the family … and often they coped but used alcohol, drugs and were promiscuous…

I’m starting to think that “inhibitions” are actually good for you, that all else being equal. the ability to not act on an impulse has some survival value. If there’s any vowel-ridden acronym more annoying than YOLO (you only live once), it’s FOMO (fear of missing out).

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Buzzwords lacking buzz

This, reports Robert Stacy McCain, comes from page 209 of Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity by Judith Butler, PhD, and since he actually paid for a copy of the book, I’ll take his word for it:

I use the term heterosexual matrix throughout the text to designate that grid of cultural intelligibility through which bodies, genders, and desires are naturalized. I am drawing from Monique Wittig’s notion of the “heterosexual contract” and, to a lesser extent, on Adrienne Rich’s notion of “compulsory heterosexuality” to characterize a hegemonic discursive/epistemic model of gender intelligibility that assumes that for bodies to cohere and make sense there must be a stable sex expressed through a stable gender (masculine expresses male, feminine expresses female) that is oppositionally and hierarchically defined through the compulsory practice of heterosexuality.

Says McCain:

Look, I don’t care how high your SAT score was, there’s no way you can understand that paragraph without reading it at least twice, and how many college sophomores are going to be as diligent as I was, in that I ordered copies of Monique Wittig’s and Adrienne Rich’s books in an effort to make sure I understood the sources cited by Professor Butler?

As a matter of policy, I will not read anything more than once containing any declension of “hegemony.”

Still, were this paragraph easily comprehensible, it would not be doing its job, which is to make the disciples nod knowingly and the rubes shake their heads.

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This couple is doomed

This does not strike me as one of the things you laugh about twenty years later:

The Pepperhead report on this particular bit of Hot Stuff:

This is the super hot pepper that started it all. All the way from Assam, India it is the first hot pepper to break the 1 million Scoville mark. Now a pepper has to reach 1 million SHU to even get on the top 10 hottest list. Some still think the Ghost Pepper is still the world’s hottest, but it is far from it. It held the World’s Hottest Pepper title for 4 years from 2007-2011 when the Trinidad Scorpion ‘Butch T’ surpassed it in heat.

For comparison purposes (Scoville heat units):

Jalapeño:  3,500 to 8,000

Ghost Pepper:  1,041,427

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So long as you feel good

I mean, if that’s the best you can do for a metric:

A new University of Guelph study has revealed that people in open relationships are as happy as their coupled-up counterparts.

“We found people in consensual, non-monogamous relationships experience the same levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being and sexual satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships,” said Jessica Wood, a PhD student in applied social psychology and lead author of the study. “This debunks societal views of monogamy as being the ideal relationship structure.”

Except for the minor detail that it does no such thing:

It doesn’t debunk it because the “ideal relationship structure” is not at all a mere function of individual satisfaction. It’s unreal to have to remind ostensible adults of this fact. Satisfaction is, of course, very nice. But society also has to function, children have to be raised, and productive work has to be accomplished in a generally stable environment. Disregarding these elements entirely in favor of a puerile “satisfaction” index is precisely what one would expect from a Jessica Wood at Guelph University.

At the very least, these questions need to be answered:

If communal sex pods, or warlord harems, or string polyamory were actual competitors for the ideal relationship structure, then Jessica Wood would be obliged to explain how each performs in serious social metrics. What is the quantity and quality of offspring produced? What is the state of their physical and emotional health? Who precisely has a vested interest in that health when paternity is of no concern? How is the inevitable jealousy to be managed on a public scale? What to do with the masses of unmated males when 80% of the women seek 20% of the men? Who is morally obligated to support whom in the absence of a nuclear family structure? Do commitments have a biological or relationship basis? Are you the father if you are presently having sex with the mother, or if an indifferent coupling produced a pregnancy? What does being a father mean if fathers are fungible? Would at-home young mothers need to accrue sex credits from former partners in order to support their period of vulnerable child-rearing? How much more time will men spend in a societally wasteful state of sexual competition in this model compared to the effort they would have expended on work and child rearing in a monogamous one?

“Yes, but … more variety!”

“Fifty-seven channels,” says Mr Springsteen, “and nothin’ on.”

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Doing the split

Garfunkel and Oates once did a song called “29/31”, and it was every bit as scary as it was funny.

Now comes “50/50,” billed as “a feminist love song,” and it’s got some discomfort of its own:

I think we need to encourage Kate and Riki to do more songs with numbers.

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I feel for you, friend

Though I can never hope to approach your uniqueness:

The 52-hertz whale is an individual whale of unidentified species, which calls at the very unusual frequency of 52 Hz. This pitch is a much higher frequency than that of the other whale species with migration patterns most closely resembling this whale’s — the blue whale (10–39 Hz) or fin whale (20 Hz). It has been detected regularly in many locations since the late 1980s and appears to be the only individual emitting a whale call at this frequency. It has been described as the “world’s loneliest whale.”

We do anthropomorphize a bit, don’t we? And actually, Mister Fifty-Two has most recently been calling at closer to 47 Hz, suggesting he’s matured, or at least grown a bit.

Could this whale be a hybrid of two (or more) species? It’s possible, say the experts, though they have no recordings of known hybrids.

And maybe this is all perfectly explainable, once we have all the facts. For now, I’ll put on Judy Collins’ “Farewell to Tarwathie,” in which she’s accompanied by a different species of whale — the humpback — and ponder the mysteries of the sea and of those creatures who call it home.

(Via Brandon Melendez.)

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She met a guy

This video, as of this past week, ranks #7 on the list of most-disliked YouTube videos of all time:

Well, I like it. (I am also deeply fond of #6.)

In “How It Is,” Bibi (Bianca Heinicke) runs down a list of things that make her feel, well, run down. But things pick up at the end: “I met a guy, he knows my name.”

And wouldn’t you know it, she did exactly that:

I’m happy for her. This is the guy:

He’s definitely got balls.

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The price of loneliness

The pure, unadulterated blankness of my dance card, as my therapist is fond of pointing out, surely costs me something. But trying to do something about it has a price tag of its own:

Over a 10 year span, there have been increases in the cost for singles to mingle, with the rise of inflation for in-person dates (i.e. movie tickets, meals, etc) and the popularity of paid relationship models, like or eHarmony. The average cost of dating has gone up about 52 percent — and that’s before you pay to swipe.

Truth be told, when I saw that phrase “paid relationship models,” I thought of, um, something else.

eHarmony and Match cost approximately $39.95 per month for a 6-month contract, not including coupons. In 2008, it cost approximately $50 to take someone on a date, and in 2018 it’s about $101 — which is a 52 percent increase, not even taking into account monthly membership fees or higher costs of living.

The average dater spends $239 a year just to be on dating sites, many using promotions and coupons to subscribe. That means if you’re going out on 4 dates a month, you’re looking at over $5,000 a year to search for love. Then, once you’ve found the person you want to promise forever to (or not), you’re looking at a total price tag of $72,000 from “hello” to “I Do.”

I am forced to conclude that the hermit, pain in the heart notwithstanding, comes out better on this deal.

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Choose your own stereotype

Says this abstract: “Inbred males should have lower reproductive success than outbred males among other things because of inbreeding depression in attractiveness to females and a reduced lifespan.”

How about a kiss for your cousin Dupree? Not gonna happen, she says, but how can you test for this?

We used an inventive experimental set-up that enabled us to assess male behaviour in relation to an apparent mating opportunity while excluding potential confounding effects of female preference. Age-, weight-, and size-matched inbred and outbred male canaries (Serinus canaria) were presented with a female that only one male at a time could access visually via a ‘peephole’ and thus when both males were equally interested in seizing the apparent mating opportunity this would result in contest. We find that inbred males spent more than twice as much time ‘peeping’ at the female than outbred males, suggesting that inbreeding indeed causes different behavioural responses to an apparent mating opportunity. Our study is among the first to highlight that inbreeding affects male mating behaviour, and therewith potentially male-male competition, which should be taken into account in order to understand the full range of inbreeding effects on fitness.

DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0199182.

(Via Neuroskeptic.)

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Following up, only not

Says the BBC:

Last week we published the story of “Joseph”, a 60-year-old man who wrote about his regret at missing out on sexual experiences until the age of 37. Many readers wrote to say that his story struck a chord with them — echoing his point that society aggravates the problem by unfairly portraying lonely people as strange or inadequate. Here is a selection of their emails.

Most of the published responses were from men, and it’s no surprise — to me, anyway — that none of these guys seem to have any of the bitterness suffused with anger that characterizes the so-called “incel” movement; they are not at all happy with their lot, but they appear disinclined to blame it on all those Stacys out there chasing Chad. And most notably, none of them claim that big-S Society, or some subset thereof, is actively conspiring to deprive them of their rights to an occasional ejaculation. Then again, this is the BBC, not 4chan or reddit.

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Roads to be shared

Not too long from now, women in Saudi Arabia will be legally permitted to drive. It is by no means difficult to find men who have a problem with this:

“You will not be driving,” says the hashtag.

“Hold my beer,” say Saudi women, who generally don’t actually drink beer:

To the chap quoted at the top: It is not wise to mess with a woman who aspires to, and perhaps already owns, a Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen.

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What light through yonder window breaks?

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Or would you?

Some people were meant to be together — even if they’re not technically people. Or, for that matter, together.

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Ruthless self-appraisal

One topic covered at the most recent shrink session was the sad state of my dance card. I didn’t defend it, exactly, but I did, I believe, correctly identify the person responsible for this situation. (I carry his picture in my wallet.)

The next day, Robert Stacy McCain issued his own findings:

Overestimating your chances is a basic trait of losers. An unrealistically high self-appraisal — a misguided belief that you deserve better romantic partners than are actually available to you — is one obvious reason why people engage in online dating. And it evidently does not occur to these people that the online dating pool is polluted with people just like themselves, because another basic trait of losers is a lack of self-awareness. That is to say, the loser is seldom aware of why he is losing and, indeed, may refuse to recognize that he is a loser.

This is what produces guys like Elliot Rodger, who declared himself “The Supreme Gentleman” before his 2014 murder/suicide rampage. He was an extreme example of the loser mentality, a half-Malaysian guy who seemed to believe he deserved a perfect blonde girlfriend. He actually wasn’t bad-looking, and he was born to fortunate circumstances — his father is a film director — but he was doomed by his lack of self-awareness. All the feminist lectures about “misogyny” and “male entitlement” inspired by the Isla Vista shootings missed this point: If Elliot Rodger was typical of anything, he was a typical loser.

For the record, I have never had a blonde girlfriend, perfect or otherwise, and have never had any reason to expect I would get one.

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Lucky King

The Home of the Whopper has a sort of romantic side after all:

The object of his affections responded positively:

There’s something weirdly gratifying about fast food capable of a fast quip.

(Via HelloGiggles.)

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Forever unlaid

Given the existing statistics — however many thousands of guys who can’t get a girlfriend to save their lives, exactly two mass murderers — you might reasonably conclude that the “tragedy” of “involuntary celibacy” might be a smidgen less than, well, tragic; I can match almost any of these characters’ dance cards for blankness, and yes, there are times when it hurts, but also, there are times when the whole damn thing just seems risible.

Robert Stacy McCain is not laughing. Or not much, anyway:

Part of the “incel” problem, of course, is that awkward nerds are spending so much time online as a way to avoid real life and, in doing so, they also avoid the kind of personal encounters that could enable them to develop the social skills they actually need. Unless a guy is naturally extroverted and unusually attractive, he’s going to need a lot of practice to learn how to communicate effectively with women. The loser is going to get rejected 9 times out of 10, at least, and he has to develop the mental fortitude necessary to withstand this painful humiliation and keep smiling.


Which did not entitle him to kill six people — four men and two women, the dumbass — and maim fourteen others.

You know what I think of this folderol:

I mention purely in passing that I am neither naturally extroverted nor unusually attractive.

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Stormy no more

From his perch in the Vampire State, Akaky figures that Donald Trump’s dalliance with Stormy Daniels is about played out as a news story:

Well, I may think it’s time to move on, but it seems that I am the only one who thinks so. I went forth to battle the new Puritans who seek to oppress us all with their retrograde religious morality and found that they agreed with me, for the most part, and that the sexual revolutionaries were the ones foaming at the mouth about what two consenting adults chose to do with their genitalia. I found this more than a little confusing, to say the least, and so I had to sit down and eat Chinese food (the roast pork with broccoli and wonton soup were very good, thank you for asking) in order to relieve the cognitive dissonance and sort out just what in the blue blazes happened here in this our Great Republic while I was not looking. Someone changed the rule book somewhere along the line and no one bothered to tell me that Comstockery was back in fashion. Well, everything old is new again, as the saying goes, and there is no new thing under the sun, but I cannot help but notice that the new version of Comstockery is remarkably like the old libertinism complete with extra servings of wanton soup, with the singular difference that the new Puritans didn’t mind when a President they liked and supported did this sort of thing while he was actually President and they do mind a great deal when a President they loathe and despise did the exact same thing when he wasn’t President. Nearly a quarter of a century separate the initial inaugurations of these two men and much can change in a quarter of a century: the Internet barely existed in 1993, film photography was photography, I was forty pounds lighter — really, I am not making that up — and so I am sure that this sudden concern for the private morality of public people is the product of a generation’s coming of age and rejecting the immature ideas and commitments of their salad days. Or the new Puritans could be just a bunch of sleazy hypocrites. That’s always a possibility, you know, especially if you are cynically inclined, as I tend to be.

All politicians in the last quarter of a century, it seems to me, are required to take the Hypocritic Oath: “When we do it, it’s okay.” Were it not for double standards, we’d have no standards at all.

I was, I think, forty pounds heavier in 1993. Maybe more.

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Not at all a matriarchy

But it’s obvious who’s pulling the strings:

I am having a house built, and I was amused by the emphasis put on countertops, cabinet door styles, and water faucet designs. Meanwhile, I asked about the actual materials used in the construction of the cabinets, and the local design center workers looked at me like I was insane. People would routinely spend $10,000 on trendy cabinet doors, never once caring that the boxes and end panels were cheap particle board. I asked for plywood end panels, and according to them, I was the first they had ever met there to request this. It took them two weeks just to find pricing on it (it wasn’t bad). But that just shows you that even when you build a house, the target demographic is female. Everything is about style, trendiness, etc… A man comes in, and asks structural questions, and everybody has to look up the answers because who gives a damn if the cabinet boxes fall apart when they get wet — but everybody needs a name brand quartz countertop with some fancy cabinet door made of imported wood from … wherever.

Then again, 96 million households receive HGTV; somewhere around a hundred and thirty-four men actually watch it, and half of them are hoping to learn how to flip.

Even something like the traditionally male space of fast cars ultimately caters more to women. Most people don’t buy Ferraris because they are Italian automobile enthusiasts, they buy them to signal wealth to cater to the desires of women. Pleasing women is at the core of our society, it’s embedded in everything. You don’t see a campaign to buy your man beer, to give him plenty of his favorite sexual favors, or any of that. And if he asks, it’s probably sexist or woman-hating. Maybe it’s even rape.

And now you know why both Maserati and Lamborghini are selling sport-utility vehicles. It ain’t because the Mister needs a place to stash his tackle box.

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It’s exactly like that

And if you know either a man or a woman, you know it’s true:

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go add half a cup of mouthwash to the bouillabaisse.

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Whatever that may mean

In my secondary-school days, I took one year of French, two years of Spanish, and three years of mostly ecclesiastical Latin. And I swear, I don’t understand women in any of them.

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