Archive for Wastes of Oxygen

And never say “Bite me” in his presence

The lovely and talented @SwiftOnSecurity, before rethinking the matter, said: “We never have good news stories like this anymore.”

This was a news story fifteen years ago, though needless to say, none of his neighbors could believe it:

To the family next door, Armin Meiwes seemed the perfect neighbour. He mowed their lawn, repaired their car and even invited them round for dinner.

Other residents in the small German town of Rotenburg also believed there was nothing odd about the 42-year-old computer expert, whose light burned late into the night inside his creaking mansion. Yesterday, however, Meiwes appeared in court charged with killing — and then frying and eating — another man.

In one of the most extraordinary trials in German criminal history, the self-confessed cannibal admitted that he had met a 43-year-old Berlin engineer, Bernd Brandes, after advertising on the internet, and had chopped him up and eaten him.

It was, he said, something he had wanted to do for a long time. “I always had the fantasy and in the end I fulfilled it,” Meiwes told the court on the first day of his trial for murder in the nearby city of Kassel.

Geez. All this story needs is for Rammstein to write a song about it.

Oh, wait…

Comments (4)

Presumably beer was held

Float, float, float your truck, gently down the — hully crap, this is like eight feet deep: – Oklahoma City, OK – News, Weather, Video and Sports |

Um, guys, it’s not the early 1990s anymore. They don’t actually have to mow the riverbed the way they used to.

(Fillyjonk showed me this.)

Comments (1)

Power mad, I tell you

This guy seems unclear on the concept: Where can I purchase a Wikipedia administrator account?

No, really, he’s serious:

If you have an old administrator account on Wikipedia that you’re not using, you can pass it to me, I’ll put it to good use. I’m an established user on Wikipedia but I don’t think I’ll become an administrator the regular way immediately. If you’re interested in selling to me, hit me up [redacted] on the English Wikipedia.

How far would you trust this guy?

  1. As far as I could throw him.
  2. As far as the nearest wall.
  3. The width of a hedgehog’s butt.
  4. The diameter of frog hair.

“Good use,” my hind foot.

Comments (1)

Not his little pony

What is the opposite of “Equestria”? Would you believe “Florida”?

A 21-year-old man from Citra, Fla. was arrested after he reportedly had sex four times in one week with a miniature horse.

Nicholas Sardo was seen having sex with a miniature horse named Jackie G in a pasture on a family member’s property, authorities said.

Four times in a week? That pretty much eliminates the possibility of spur-of-the-moment desire. And if that didn’t, this would:

In the release sent out by the Marion County Sheriff’s Office, Sardo told deputies that he used a condom so that he wouldn’t contract a disease from the horse.

If I owned this horse, I’d worry she’d contract a disease from Florida Man.

(Via Fark.)

Comments (4)

I spy with my little hidden eye

Now and then, we all, for certain values of “all,” like to take a peek. Then there are those who go way overboard:

A workman accused of hiding cameras in two homes to spy on young girls was charged Friday with more than 20 felonies, including aggravated possession of obscene material involving minors, manufacturing child pornography and using video equipment in a clandestine manner.

Is it just me, or does that last charge — “using video equipment in a clandestine manner” — sound rather vague?

Ryan Aaron Alden, 39, of The Village, placed hidden cameras in the ceiling vents of two homes, one in Nichols Hills and one in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma County prosecutors allege. He reportedly placed the cameras in the homes while performing electrical work.

The cameras were hidden for months, Nichols Hills police reported.

“He got the idea of hiding the cameras and where to put them from watching pornography,” police reported in a court affidavit. “He informed me that the residents were always very trusting and that is why he ‘preyed’ on them.”

Alden also is accused of taking clandestine photos of girls in numerous public places, including gyms, schools, stores, mall changing rooms and a high school football game.

The upskirt-gatherer is, I suggest, the lowest form of perv: it’s not that his offense is especially heinous, but it goes several steps below banal.

Alden was being held in the Oklahoma County jail Friday on $251,000 bail. He also was sued Friday by the mother of the Nichols Hills victim.

What are the chances this guy has ever had a normal romantic relationship?

Comments (1)

No capes!

Rebecca Black as a perhaps overly-tall Edna Mode:

Rebecca Black as Edna Mode for Halloween

She never looks back; after all, it detracts from now.

Comments off

The clock is running

Try to imagine, for the moment, a rope out there with Robert Bowers swinging from it:

As for the Synagogue Shooter, I doubt he’ll live through the week. We’ve come a long way from the days when the Media could just memory hole Nidal Hasan — remember him? — and anyway he only shot up an Army base. That’s the problem with lunatics, you know? They can be goaded into doing something spectacular, but you never know what they’ll do afterwards. Initial reports say this guy hates Trump almost as much as he hates Jews. They’re sure as hell not going to let him say that on the stand, and since they couldn’t ignore his trial should there be one, I’m betting Bowers comes down with a 9mm migraine here in the next few days. No autopsy at the family’s request.

Not much of a loss, I suspect.

Comments off

Or slap some mud on it

Silly twit probably thinks he’s doing something frightfully clever: How many times do I need to put photo block spray on my license plates?

To elaborate:

I found a product that works (phantom plate) after a previous one that didn’t. That was in May and figured with car washes and rain and just eventually wears out. I’ve been taking advantage of toll roads to work and back and going to downtown on weekends.

I haven’t got a citation for using the tolls until this month I got one. It said one application and done but nothing lasts forever. So the product Is it because of all the rain in my area? Should I spray it at least once a month then?

Just a matter of time before he gets caught. I would love to see how he explains that he’s saving money by spraying $29.95 worth of crap on his plate. (And is he perhaps a local? We have rear plates only in this state.)

Comments (4)

It puts the dick in contradictory

The spam comment began like so many others: “#1 Dating Site for AU Users.” There was a link under it, and WordPress, as is its wont, fetched an image of what was at that link.

It was this:

This is not a dating site

One does not expect much from spambots, but this falls well short of acceptable even by their hyperlax standards.

Comments off

I only need a little bit of fraud

And for a short time, too: Is it illegal to have a liability coverage and have an accident and switch then wait to claim it so full coverage will pay for it?

As the phrase goes, we are not making this up:

I have liability and I need my car fixed it won’t fix I really cannot afford to fix it or to get full coverage but I need my car fixed so could I?

On the upside, your transportation costs will be negligible while you’re in jail.

Another plaintive wail from the same person led someone to do some tracking:

You’re a full time university student, your parents don’t help you financially, and you work at a part-time job. You own a 2014 Nissan Altima and last night a tree fell on your car and hit one side of your trunk.

A ’14 Altima? Somehow it’s paid for? Nobody gets to finance a car without full coverage.

Comments (4)

Homing pigeons kidnapped

This is the next best — or next worst — thing:

It is an only in Silicon Valley kind of story, as police say high-tech thieves were caught stealing thousands of dollars worth of GPS tracking devices from a Santa Clara tech company.

“These devices kind of look like cell phone chargers, so they probably thought they had some kind of street value,” [said] Roambee Corporation Co-Founder Vidya Subramanian.

Subramanian is talking about the hundred or so GPS tracking devices that were stolen recently from the company’s Dela Cruz Avenue labs.

“The moment we realized they had a box of trackers, we went into recovery mode,” Subramanian said. “We notified the police and equipped them to track the devices, and in about 5 or 6 hours, it was done.”

This is not to say that the thieves went out of their way to make tracking difficult:

Before making off with about $18,000 worth of the devices, the thieves grabbed a beer out of the fridge and cut themselves in the process, leaving fingerprints and blood evidence.

Sheesh. Crooks these days have no pride.

(Via Bayou Renaissance Man.)

Comments off

Stalker in denial

Get a load of this: If you have someone license plate number, can you somehow find out where they live?

Ron’s motivations are pure as the driven slush:

This is not a stalker type thing. This is a serious question. I want to know where his person is so I can beat their a$$.

In what way is this not a “stalker type thing?”

Comments (2)

Shoot a man in Reno

Obviously he’s asking for it: How can i make my car louder in nevada?

I want to make my car louder, however, the law in nevada states that “Mufflers are required on all vehicles and must be in working condition to limit noise and pollution. Muffler bypasses, cutouts and similar devices that amplify sound are not permitted on highways.” how can i work around this?

“Yeah, it’s the law, but I DON’T CARE!”

Four words: Move. But not here.

Comments (2)

Purest brass

You seldom see balls at this level of metallurgy, even in New York:

Gov. Cuomo’s former top aide Joe Percoco wants to keep close to $100,000 of $321,000 he pocketed in bribes.

In a court filing Monday, Percoco’s lawyers asked a Manhattan federal judge to go easy on the governor’s former right-hand man when he is sentenced Thursday by ordering him to forfeit just $225,000 of the roughly $321,000 he earned through two bribe schemes.

The lawyers claim Percoco, who was convicted in March, deserves to keep roughly $95,000 of his ill-gotten gains because some of the money was the result of a $7,500 per month “low-show” job he got his wife Lisa. And the job, for energy company CPV, resulted in some actual work, they said.

Percoco faces as much as 20 years in the pen, so the state’s expected order is apparently an Officer Obie attempt to make sure Percoco has no money to spend in the cell.

(Via @JimDelRey.)

Comments (3)

Fundamentally unserious people

Robert Moose spends long hours monitoring police scanners and such so we don’t have to. This interchange took place last night:

Some people can learn lessons only in the most painful way possible. This guy, I suspect, is one of them:

For some reason, the Stoner-American community seems to have picked up on this, laser pointers being a handy tool for bowl ignition:

Years of the stuff can damage reading comprehension, it appears.

And just to add to the local paranoia, pointing a laser at aircraft of any sort is a Federal crime.

Comments (7)

Like, how would he know?

It’s not like the Chevy Cruze is a bad car, necessarily:

My co-worker keeps telling me that my car is very gay. For the record my parents bought me that car. It was a graduation present when I graduated from high school 2 years ago. He drives a Honda. I just want to know why people don’t like Chevy cruzes and chevys in general.

“Very gay”? Is there source material to support this claim?

Let’s see. The guy’s representing himself as the expert, and there are no known references to check his credentials, so I suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt. Next time you two part compamy, raise your voice a couple of decibels and say:

“And another thing. Would it be too much to ask for you to keep your goddamned penis out of my car’s tailpipe?”

Anybody gives you a funny look, tell ’em there’s a Check Engine Light.

Comments (1)

High-speed douche

And a recidivist high-speed douche at that:

Arizona lawmaker Paul Mosley has pleaded not guilty to a charge of excessive speeding, two months after a police bodycam was released that showed him bragging about driving 120 mph.

The Republican representative was pulled over in March for driving 97 mph in a 55 mph zone, but wasn’t ticketed on the scene after claiming legislative immunity.

Arizona law protects legislators from “civil process” for some violations while the legislature is in session, but speeding isn’t one of them.

How about shooting off one’s mouth?

Three weeks after apologizing for the video, in which he claimed he often drove at triple-digit speeds and that his Lexus sedan can do 140 mph, Mosley was given a citation for the March incident by the Cochise County Attorney’s Office.

This man needs a mid-1970s Mercedes-Benz 240D nonturbo diesel, and the full 90-day Humility Now! course.

Comments off

Guy needs a new line of work

Armed robbery just isn’t his thing:

Inasmuch as this happened in Colorado, I’m going to assume the guy was too stoned to steal anything.

Oh, and that gun he dropped? Replica.

(Via Bayou Renaissance Man.)

Comments (1)

Burglar seeks free tools

No mitigation for this gall: I want to remove DRM from Kindle, Adobe and Nook. Can anybody tell how do I remove that? Is there any free tool or do I have to pay for it?

Tsk, tsk.

(Multi-tsking. I don’t do a lot of it.)

This is why we have digital rights management in the first place: people with their hearts set on stealing stuff.

Comments (1)

Deliberate deliberations

Ten whole minutes, you say?

Maybe it was a long hallway.

Comments (3)

What’s more, it comes with a straw

Joe treats himself to that awesome peach milkshake at Chick-fil-A, and he’ll entertain no complaints from the peanut gallery:

[G]o ahead, rat me out for the milkshake. Ruin my good day. I bet you swipe Milk-bones from puppies. You probably are mean to cats. You make faces at little babies and reach over the shoulder and steal hot dogs right out of the bun from toddlers at the beach. I bet you smash Twinkies on the shelf at the grocery. You probably think the Grinch was a ruined soul by the end of the cartoon. You hate flowers. You root against the Cubs. You probably think Hillary is to be admired. You believe in the fairy tale that is Democrat Socialism. You don’t find the Three Stooges funny. You probably drive a Prius and think plastic straws are the bane of an over-commercialized society. You find Esther Williams movies tedious and do not see what is so great about a John Wayne flick. You probably do not care for the music of Elvis and find the art of Jackson Pollock “intriguing”. That is just who you are: a little sniveling rat fink, out to deny me one small pleasure on a gloomy rainy afternoon.

Everybody snivel!

I knew I’d get a chance to post that someday.

Comments (8)

It pays to crap

That New Jersey school superintendent who used to, um, soil a rival’s grounds is leaving his old job, and a hole in the district’s budget:

The “Pooperintendent of Schools” accused of repeatedly defecating on school property will receive more than $100,000 from his district in New Jersey until he resigns, according to a report.

Under a separation agreement, Thomas W. Tramaglini, the former Kenilworth Public Schools superintendent, will be paid his full salary through the end of September in addition to two months severance pay and $23,827 in unused vacation time, reported.

Tramaglini, 42, was suspended with pay from his job in May following his arrest for allegedly defecating in public, lewdness and littering.

If there’s an explanation for this, neither Tramaglini nor his former employer has said what it is.

(Via Stephen Green.)

Comments (2)

Not annoying enough

Already this is worrisome: “How can i make my turbo spool up louder with out putting a new turbo on?”

Here’s what we’re up against:

Im on a low budget and I was wondering if there was any way i can make my turbo spool louder? Will I have to do a muffler delete? Install BOV or CAI?

Removing the muffler is almost certainly illegal. Any turbo from the last 15 years has its own blow-off valve already, and given the function of a turbo — it scavenges exhaust gas, after all — changing the cold-air intake would have the same effect as hanging a pair of fuzzy dice from the rear-view mirror.

There are basically two issues here:

  • You want to hear more engine noise as you go down the street;
  • Absolutely no one else wants to hear that crap.

The cost-effective solution: turn down the volume on your audio system.

You’re welcome.

Comments (4)

Do not taunt Happy Fun Bison

He will not be amused:

At least the wiseguy wasn’t actually gored. Not all dumb humans are so fortunate.

Addendum: Bozo arrested, prompting this Fark headline: Man arrested for taunting buffalo. That’s just mean, they’re obviously in a rebuilding year.

Comments (4)

Out of stalk

I almost hate to imagine what this person is up to:

How to find out the identities of Facebook members who like a Facebook page that is not mine?

Which is, presumably, every page on Facebook except one.

Okay, maybe she just wants to know about some specific Page X. Still sounds suspicious, if maybe a hair more specific.

Comments (2)

A case of the runs, closed

The Mystery Crapper, identified this past spring, has flushed himself:

The New Jersey superintendent accused of pooping on a local high school football field and track on a daily basis has resigned, according to

Thomas Tramaglini was arrested in May and charged with lewdness, littering and defecating in public. He had taken paid leave from his $147,504-a-year job.

Littering, all by itself, will get other people on the Group W bench to avoid you.

This apparently should not be taken as an admission of guilt:

While Tramaglini resigned, his attorney called the accusations “falsehoods,” and that he will continue to fight the charges.

“A load of crap,” counsel did not say.

Comments (1)

Unserious deficiencies

There are many ways to torture oneself: a feigned asceticism intended to impress the neighbors; maintaining a list of every faux pas you’ve ever committed and reviewing it on a regular bases; watching a whole lot of cable news. Apparently my torment of choice is Yahoo! Answers.

Comments (3)

Order that lifetime bus pass now

J. Random Loser confronts part of the car-buying experience he wasn’t expecting: Car dealership asked for pay stubs right after they gave me the car?

And he frets:

The salesman said get them to him as soon as possible, I went home and brought them to him and he made copies and handed me the originals back. What did he need the copies for? I’m worried because I did something very stupid and lied on the credit application.

As I see it, he has two choices:

  • Give evidence supporting that presumably higher income he claimed;
  • Start walking.

Odds favor #2.

Comments off

Short answer: no

For the umpteenth time, this loser demands: Is my Volvo fast!!?

You can probably imagine what it was like the first time:

Ok. All you have to say is Volvo in your question and some gay *** middle aged mother f*cker is accusing you of saying “1998 Volvo V70 troll” So far Ive asked two questions about Volvo History etc. and some queer is on my *** calling me 1998 volvo v70 troll. Motherf*cker, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I think this is hilarious and a waste of time for me. If the question You expect bothers You that much, is your imput really needed? So you think that You matter that much as An individual? Lmao ypu must be really lonely pr something. You dont know me. You arent helping. And going anonymous just shows what a pu$$y you are. Undo anonymous and come to me face to face.

Says the anonymous loser.

Here’s what he gets from me:

Troll level: below average. Consistent with a person who doesn’t even actually own the car on which he feels compelled to brag.

You got that, loser?

Comments (2)

Karma with claws

I’m having trouble feeling any sympathy for these guys:

A pride of lions ate a group of poachers after they broke into a game reserve earlier this week in South Africa to hunt rhinoceroses.

Three men were believed to have been eaten alive by the predators sometime between Sunday night and Monday morning after they entered the Sibuya Game Reserve in Kenton-on-Sea to hunt rhinos, Nick Fox, the park’s owner, told Newsweek.

Oh, yeah? How do you know they were poaching?

After the incident, authorities recovered the remains of their parts, three pairs of shoes, wire cutters, high-powered hunting rifles fitted with silencers and a type of ax that is commonly used by poachers to remove rhino horns.


Good lions. Very good lions.

Comments (4)