Archive for Wastes of Oxygen

But I want it now

Patience is a virtue. This person doesn’t have it: For me to get a driver’s license do I bring the documents and the fee and then do I get the driver’s license immediately within seconds?

“Immediately within seconds”?

What’s the over/under on how fast this little brat ends up in a road-rage incident? I’m betting he doesn’t make it home from the Department of Motor Vehicles.

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Aging toddler

Funny, he doesn’t sound like he’s three years old: Is deathly hallows book sold as part 1 and part 2 anywhere?

Until now:

I’ll keep asking until I get a satisfactory answer

There are exactly two possible answers: “Yes, it is,” or “No, it isn’t.” You might think that either of these would be satisfactory, were it correct.

But for now: is there any reason why this little shit shouldn’t be grounded until his 40th birthday? Other than the fact that his parents will be wanting to kill him, I mean.

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Bastion of stupidity

Actually on Quora yesterday: What are my options if a Walmart charged me $2.48 for the a chicken pot pie with the same bar code as another Wlamrt [sic] 15 minutes away that charge $1.84?

Take this, you stupid bastion:

Not having to drive those 15 minutes there and back saved you 64 cents worth of gas. But hey, if you want to spend thousands suing Walmart over a matter as insignificant as this because “muh principles,” be my guest. I’ll be waiting to read your story on Fark.com, tagged “ASININE.”

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At the other extreme

The other day we had a story about now-retired Miami Heat icon Dwyane Wade, a man to whom much was given, and who was more than happy to give back. We will always need such men. Women, too.

And then there are the sort of people we will never need at all:

A distraught influencer poured her heart out in a YouTube video after her Instagram account with 113,000 followers was deleted. While it’s difficult to fault anyone for being upset about losing such a viable income stream, it’s the way she expressed her devastation that is getting so many people ticked off.

Scrolling through your Instagram feed, you’ve probably felt a little self-conscious every once in a while. It’s filled with people who can do yoga better than you. People are always starting screenplays on $2,000 MacBooks in fancy coffee shops. Their workouts are better than yours and their skincare routine is 100 percent on point and they always manage to find the best lighting and have way fuller hair than you ever will.

For many influencers, their “jobs” are better than yours, too.

We’ve all seen those travel Instagram accounts where people are amassing hundreds, if not thousands of followers every week by simply chronicling their glamorous vacations. After they start hitting big numbers, that’s when the monetization happens. They get free clothes, free lodging at hotels, and free meals at restaurants simply by posting about their experiences. Then there are the sponsored posts they get paid directly for.

And when the gravy train is derailed, something like this happens:

Sympathy? By about eighteen to one, YouTube viewers say not only no, but hell, no. Instagram later claimed that the account was deleted “in error,” which is probably why the aggrieved young lady left that video in place.

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Spirited douchery

You might expect this sort of thing from a seven-year-old. But from a state senator?

One morning back in February, Paul Scott tippy-toed into the Senate before session and unscrewed a roller on Carri Hicks’s chair. He also hid her microphone. There’s no word on if he put tape under her mouse, or encased her stapler in Jell-O.

Later that morning, when Hicks arrived for work and attempted to take her seat, the chair gave way, causing Carri to fall to the floor. Startled, confused and hoping she didn’t just flash the world in her dress, she left the Senate chambers to compose herself like a Bachelor contestant who learned she didn’t receive a rose.

Usually, after playing a stupid prank like that, the culprit will come forward, help the victim laugh it off, and then everyone will go play on the big toy at recess. As least that’s how things worked when I was in elementary school.

Paul Scott, on the other hand, does things a little differently. As opposed to admitting that he committed the prank, or even (gasp!) apologizing, he went silent and didn’t fess up. Classy, huh?

The Senate, not unreasonably, launched an investigation, and yes, they had the whole incident on video; Scott, on the spot, issued an apology with about as much sincerity as y0u’d think.

District 43 is stuck with Scott through next year. Let’s hope the opposition takes note of this.

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I’m only trying to help

Yeah, we’ve heard that before: I joined a neighborhood help website that disallows anonymity, after one of my posts I was personally attacked, should I stop posting?

Furthermore:

I dislike websites that require your real name because there is no protection against personal attacks and posters can research where you live. I gave some helpful advice regarding a possible solution to a neighborhood issue and I was personally attacked, told to get a life, etc. I haven’t posted since. I should have known better than to sign up to a site that prohibits anonymity, they don’t work.

Hmmm. I’ve never, and I mean never, had this particular issue come up in three and a half decades of hanging out online. And since my advice is not necessarily any better than anyone else’s, the major difference here seems to be that I am not a thin-skinned chickenshit. What’ll you bet this guy’s “helpful” advice was given in bad faith?

Peripherally: Spellchecker coughed on “blockquote,” “else’s” and “what’ll.” Didn’t even flinch at “chickenshit.”

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Desperate for bragging rights

Off the Quora queue: How can I get a fake credit card? I don’t want to generate a fake credit card number but instead I want to have a physical card with a name and some non-working number printed on it so that other people will assume its mine.

And how are these “other people” going to see this fake card, unless you actually try to buy something with it? Or are you going to glue it to your forehead so they have no choice but to see it? (In that latter case, you should superglue it to your penis, thereby displaying twice with the same motion.)

If you have money to spend, one Quoran suggests:

I assume you want such card to pose and increase your street cred rather than to con people.

The simplest would be going to the famous (or infamous) Chinese website “Taobao” and buy a “props” AMEX Centurion card there. You can give them your name and it would be imprinted on the card. It looks quite real but of course it’s totally nonfunctional.

And it’s totally $125, which is a lot to spend for someone who evidently can’t get a real credit card.

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What part of “Do Not Call” do you not understand?

Four down, 9,996 (approximately) to go:

The US Federal Trade Commission (FTC) announced [Wednesday] that it shut down four separate robocall operations responsible for placing billions of illegal robocalls. The four organizations responsible for the calls agreed to settlements with the agency. Under those agreements, the companies will no longer be able to make robocalls or use automatic dialers to place calls, effectively barring them from the telemarketing business.

The four organizations involved in the FTC crackdown include:

NetDotSolutions, a massive robocalling operation that pitched unsuspecting consumers everything from auto warranties to home security systems and supposed debt-relief services. The company was accused of leaving unlawful prerecorded messages, calling numbers on the Do Not Call registry and using spoofed caller ID to trick consumers into picking up. The company faces a $1.35 million fine.

Higher Goals Marketing, a company that used robocalls to promise consumers it could lower their credit card interest rates. The operators of Higher Goals Marketing were previously part of another robocall operation, Life Management Services, that was shut down by court order. The organization received a $3.15 million fine as part of the recent settlement.

Veterans of America, perhaps the scummiest of the operations involved in the FTC’s sting. The company was part of an alleged charity scam run by Travis Deloy Peterson that convinced people to donate cars, boats, and other things of value. Peterson is accused of selling those items and keeping the profit. He now faces a fine of just under $550,000.

Pointbreak Media, a company that is accused of falsely claiming to represent Google in an attempt to get small businesses to purchase services that would improve their page rank and position in search results. The company had no real affiliation with Google. The company was hit with a $3.62 million fine.

You may have noticed that Higher Goals is a repeat offender under a different name. And I don’t see “crucifixion” anywhere in the list of penalties.

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Magical nonthinking

From the Quora queue: If I create an email address with a domain I do not own, can the owner of the domain do anything to my email?

There’s just one little hitch: you literally cannot create an email address with a domain you do not own. Oh, you could probably tell some credulous dulllard that it’s your email address, but saying so will absolutely not cause it to come into existence.

And that said, whatever stupid prank you might have been planning will not work either. If you’re really lucky, it won’t be actionable.

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Time to close the schools

If the best we can do is to turn out people at this level of dumbth, it’s pointless to spend a single dollar more on the effort. Live from Quora:

Why don’t car manufacturers make cars with lifted and/or bigger back wheels so the car is always going downhill? It would increase gas mileage by a ton?

As a matter of fact, I’ve actually driven something like this: Susannah, my ’66 Chevy, had 13-inch wheels up front and 14s in the back. The most obvious effect was hoping that if I got a flat tire, it would be in the rear, because the spare was a 14. Fuel economy was every bit as indifferent as you’d expect from middle-1960s Detroit iron.

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A spate of spite

From the Quora queue:

Can my accusations get this 22 year old woman fired? I’m a high school girl who dislikes her, so I called her workplace and lied to them. I told them that she made an offensive post about her manager online, and is rude to customers.

At some point, we’re going to have to start shooting these people.

Oh, this was the first answer:

Don’t know. But why not re ask the question saying you are a 22 year old woman threatened with being fired by a high school girl lying to your manager?

If that’s the case, he’s far more astute than I.

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This would never have happened to Hera

She’d have planted a sandal right in this guy’s face:

The attorney for a 29-year-old homeless California man has stated that his client thought he was the Greek god Zeus when he sneaked into a woman’s home and sucked on her toes as she slept.

The defense lawyer said, according to court documents, that Richard Parkhurst “developed a delusion that he was a Zeus-like god who was sent down from the stars to seduce women.”

“It was his destiny to seduce women and they would willingly have his children. Mr. Parkhurst believes that his progeny will create a super race that will save the planet,” the attorney added.

Entirely too many wackos claim to have planet-saving on the brain. And this chap’s brain has seen better days:

The attorney said that Parkhurst’s life was turned upside-down when a girlfriend died and he stopped taking medicine for schizophrenia, resulting in the delusions described. At one point, he was hospitalized. He said that his client thought voices coming from his television were “telling him to do things.”

The “things” apparently included flashing a woman who was walking her dog on Oct. 15, 2017. He claimed he was walking his dog, too. Later that day, Parkhurst broke into a woman’s home and sucked on her toes. She said she woke up when she noticed what was happening.

Dick Morris was not available for comment.

(Via Lindsay Beyerstein.)

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More dumb Klux

This guy wields a mighty lynch pen:

The editor and publisher of a local paper in Alabama is under fire for penning an editorial calling for mass lynchings by the Ku Klux Klan (KKK).

The opinion piece ran in his print-only newspaper, the Democrat-Reporter, last Thursday, Goodloe Sutton confirmed on Tuesday.

He said Democrats were going to raise taxes and that the KKK should hang them and raid Washington DC.

Alabama lawmakers have called for Sutton to resign.

Since Sutton owns the paper, resigning would be a bit more problematic than it would be for politicians who make similarly dumb statements.

And it’s not like he’s always been the villain:

The newspaper won national acclaim in the 1990s for its investigation of [Marengo] county sheriff Roger Davis for political corruption, despite his widespread popularity and death threats to editor Goodloe Sutton and his family. Davis and two deputies from the office were sentenced for misuse of public funds and other crimes, including intimidation tactics used against the Suttons.

Still, calling for the Klan to save the day is an amazingly tone-deaf and, yes, dumb idea, even if the Democrats are going to raise taxes, which they most certainly are.

Maybe this is just a reflection of growing up in Linden, Alabama, which before 1818 was known as Screamersville.

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Up where you belong

Politicians are horrible, says Roberta X, but there’s a reason for their existence:

I can think of no group of persons who would more deserve to be saddled with the dull, boring, messy and imperfect process of running government. I don’t much trust them to do it well, or to stay inside the limits they are supposed to observe — but better them than some finer group of men and women, who would be taken away from doing useful and productive work in other fields of endeavor.

Think of a Congressbeing of whom you disapprove — would you want that person driving an 18-wheeler on the same highways you take? Designing a skyscraper or passenger aircraft? Doing brain surgery?

Hey, Alexandria Whatzername-Hyphenate was a pretty decent barista, or so I’ve heard.

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Moist trollette

She’s got to be trolling, right? I mean, how else can you explain this level of dumb?

Then again, if she feels like a “lesser being,” it’s almost certainly deserved.

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Adjusted for inflation?

Bernie is Not Pleased:

U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders sent a letter to Catalyst Pharmaceuticals on Monday asking it to justify its decision to charge $375,000 annually for a medication that for years has been available to patients for free.

The drug, Firdapse, is used to treat Lambert-Eaton Myasthenic Syndrome (LEMS), a rare neuromuscular disorder, according to the letter, made available to Reuters by the senator’s office. The disorder affects about one in 100,000 people in the United States.

The government is intensifying its scrutiny of the pharmaceutical industry and rising prescription drug prices, a top voter concern and a priority of President Donald Trump’s administration.

That word “free” actually means something in this case:

In the 1990s, doctors in the US, on behalf of Muscular Dystrophy Association, approached a small family-owned manufacturer of active pharmaceutical ingredients in New Jersey, Jacobus Pharmaceuticals, about manufacturing amifampridine [the generic name] so they could test it in clinical trials. Jacobus did so, and when the treatment turned out to be effective, Jacobus and the doctors were faced with a choice — invest in clinical trials to get FDA approval or give the drug away for free under a compassionate use program. Jacobus elected to give the drug away, and did so for about twenty years.

But that compassion stuff buys no yachts:

Catalyst anticipated that it could earn $300 to $900 million per year in sales for treatment of people with LEMS and other indications, and analysts anticipated the drug would be priced at around $100,000 in the US.

Fooled you, analysts.

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Gimme, gimme

As a rule, anyone who demands a service that’s “totally free” is at best a deadbeat, and you don’t want to know what they are at worst, though this one out of the Quora queue is not hard to quantify:

Where can I get a totally free, no sign up no credit card psychic reading which is accurate?

Through “reading,” it’s just your average worthless layabout. But once you get to “which is accurate,” you have to add “stupid” into the mix.

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Both sneaky and stupid

What kind of nitwit comes up with this sort of thing?

Why don’t people intentionally crash their cars right before the car insurances expire and take the insurance money to buy new cars?

Dimwit probably thinks this is a foolproof plan.

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With a street value in the zillions

I mean, yeah, this is worse than stealing jewels:

Shelbyville [Tennessee] Police are investigating the most expensive shoplifting case in recent memory with more than $11,000 worth of ink cartridges stolen.

Police say a man and woman stole $11,427 worth of ink cartridges from the Walmart in Shelbyville on Sunday.

How many cartridges were swiped? Not so many:

Police say they placed 332 ink cartridges in a stolen tote bag in their shopping cart and rolled right through the garden center emergency exit without the alarm going off.

So: $34.42 per cartridge. No wonder these suckers are being stolen.

(Via Fark.)

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Despite all his rage

He is still just a troll in the Quora queue: What can I do if a driver throws a bottle at my car after I flashed my headlights at him for 45 minutes and repeatedly asked him to pull over so that we can discuss his driving?

This is a really good way to get shot. I’m acting on the assumption that there are better ways, but this way is still really good.

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karma.exe

It’s very hard not to laugh at this character:

Hi,i have problem with my pc,i cannot go in normal windows,only safe mode.I have pirated windows btw.Can someone help me restore my system and start windows normaly?

On the upside, at least he admitted it up front, which is pretty rare these days except among braggarts.

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Still worthless after all these years

Twelve more calls from the same corksoaking iceholes as before.

Second choice: you get billed $1 for every time you call my number. $5 if I actually answer.

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But in neither case funny

Lucky me, I got to fish both of these out of the Quora queue:

My autistic son was misbehaving. I punished my son by sending him to school dressed as a clown. My son is very upset. Did I do the right thing?

and

My autistic daughter misbehaved and I flushed her Barbie doll down the toilet as punishment. She’s very upset about this. Did I do the right thing?

Odds are, the same person wrote both of these, a few days apart, in which case we’re dealing with a sociopathic troll who should be dropped into an active volcano. If actual parents did this — well, the volcano won’t judge them.

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Worthless sons of bitches

Or possibly worthless bitches. The idea that I would care one way or another is risible.

The story begins at 6 pm, and not quite an hour later I had this to say:

As of now, the count is seventeen.

The following are the “obviously spoofed numbers”: 405-703-9427 and 405-814-2008. Both labeled “Out Of Area,” of course. I don’t really care what they were trying to sell. But of the ten Plagues of Egypt, I wish upon them two through eight, inclusive.

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But then drug syringes are not migratory

Only you, Florida Man:

A Florida man denied syringes were his after jail officials found them in his rectum during a strip search.

Wesley Scott, 40, was arrested on Friday on an outstanding warrant charging him with drug possession.

According to WPLG, when Scott was searched at the jail, officers found three syringes inside his rectum.

Scott claimed he found the syringes and they were not his, although he did not explain how they ended up in his buttocks.

Storing them for safekeeping, was he?

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When you need better friends

This is a warning signal at the very least: So my friend and i bet 420$ if i could hack the wifi at work so i need ur helo?

I know the basics but he’s the only person who can give access to the internet even if u have the wifi password he can monitor, control, limit speed etc… so how can i hack it my phone is not rooted but i got one rooted and i have a laptop but kali linux is not installed on it

so plz help me i need that 420$ lol!

I think it’s safe to assume that the amount here is very important to these two losers.

And I’m thinking this “friend” showed off some indifferent sleight-of-hand, knowing full well that it would impress the little twerp; his “hacking” credentials are likely dubious at best.

The tragedy here, of course, is that they both can’t lose this bet.

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Definitely not Avon calling

“Honey, what’s this on the security camera?” [warning: autostart video]

Police are trying to track down a man who spent three hours licking a doorbell at a California home.

“I thought I’d seen it all, but this takes the cake,” neighbor Francisco Javier Estrada told KION.

Surveillance cameras caught Roberto Daniel Arroyo in the act.

The Dungans said they were not home at the time, but their children were inside the house sleeping.

And Arroyo wasn’t done yet:

The security cameras also caught Arroyo moving an extension cord to the front yard and relieving himself.

Of course, this happened in Cailfornia, so the Dungans will probably be fined for having an excessively tasty doorbell.

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Idiot apparently already off the road

But he begs for leniency: How to get an SR22A or SR22?

My license has been suspended and it needs to be reinstated! My license was suspended for reckless driving and a second offense super speeder. So now the DMV is asking me to get an SR 22 so how exactly do I get an SR 22 because I am busting my *** off to get an SR 22 but it literally seems to be impossible I am going through every insurance company but I either don’t get approved or I need to have a vehicle.

The trick here is in the last phrase. Apparently he has no vehicle, which must mean that whatever car he had to commit these offenses (1) wasn’t his to begin with — look around for the angry relative — or (2) he wrapped it around a tree.

And anyway, for the price he’d have to pay for this sort of underwriting, he could buy a damned nice bicycle.

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Take this idiot off the road

The question: Can you buy worthless auto insurance?

First thought: He’s been burned before, and he wants to know whom to avoid.

But no, he has something else entirely different in mind:

im 24 new driver less than a year experience with a car had my motorcycle endorsement for 2 years. Im geting car quotes of around 200 a month liability. could i find some fake insurance that has no value just to register it or is auto insurance have to be legit. ive heard most of the time places like progressive wont pay out anyway an figure it isnt worth paying them to

Stoner on a tight budget, I’m figuring. And every dollar that goes to meeting legal requirements is a dollar that won’t be available for weed.

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A woman scorned

And apparently there’s a very good reason for this:

A woman accused of bombarding a man with 65,000 text messages after a single date is now believed to have sent more than twice that amount.

According to court documents obtained by the Arizona Republic, then 31-year-old Jaqueline Ades, of Phoenix, sent the victim more than 159,000 texts — many of them threatening — over a 10-month period starting in July 2017.

“I’d wear ur fascia n the top of ur skull n ur hands n feet,” one of the alleged texts read.

Another read, “I’d make sushi outta ur kidneys n chopsticks outta ur hand bones,” according to police.

That’s more than 500 texts a day.

Police noted in her arrest record that she showed signs of mental illness.

Well, duh.

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