Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (671)

Hey, kids, what time is it?

Yeah, you’re right. It’s too damn early in the morning. But we gotta get these search strings out.

Gasa pebkac loan:  You can borrow money for that these days?

it’s not like you can’t find it online:  Although some of you manifestly can’t.

does the chevrolet impala still have a 3000.00 cash incentive:  I can hardly remember a time when it didn’t.

yaks tibet catskill game farm ny:  Where they’re no doubt yakking it up.

results of fake smile project:  A five-year renewal for Fox & Friends.

fallible memory:  I have one of those. Or do I?

sharedintense porn:  None of that relaxing solo stuff.

supermodel diet plan:  Eat anything you want until you reach 100 calories. Then stop until the next day.

lost bet “you’re naked”:  I did indeed lose a bet of that sort. With the expected results, of course.

cute lil booger:  Well, not while it’s just hanging there.

pub anglaise pour vaseline petroleum jelly london transport museum:  Your cab driver will know how to get you there.

why twitter anyways?  Damned if I know.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (670)

Yahoo! Answers is replete with people who want to cover their tracks. One or two of them might even have wound up here, looking for God knows what. (And God knows, even if your mom doesn’t. Yet.)

nazi schmatzi:  Don’t be stupid, be a smarty.

hitler’s valet what he saw of hitler’s enemas & farts:  Don’t be gaseous, don’t be farty.

white balance tools:  All in all, it’s just a section of wall.

sarcastic wit vs clown wit:  The clowns wear bigger shoes.

there doesn’t seem to be anyone around 70:  Obviously you’ve never been to my workplace.

there’s a spammer on your aim:  Better than a zombie on your lawn.

fake amazon email referencing cancelled order:  If you know it’s fake, why even read it?

why vanquis denied transaction online:  I have no idea. Have you been credited for that fake Amazon cancellation?

smuggling in malaysia penal code:  Depends on what’s being smuggled. Used to be, they’d execute you for drug trafficking.

females getting groped:  Not by you, we hope.

what is it called when you peel off the white stuff off a orange:  Time to wash your hands.

“pictures to help you masturbate”:  Well, there’s always Rule 5. And be sure to wash your hands.

Comments (9)

Strange search-engine queries (669)

Put the gravy boat back in the china cabinet and listen up: these are actual search strings that somehow lead to this very site, much to the discomfiture (I suspect) of the searchers.

monday morning feels so bad:  Tell me about it. I’ve had more than nine years of Mondays.

invisable typing:  Let’s hope you can do it by touch, because it’s tricky when you can’t see your fingers.

lesbian shoppic:  They have as much right as anyone else.

crossdressers getting enemas:  They have as much right as anyone else, though I definitely don’t want to watch.

what does tyra banks do about her flat feet?  I’m pretty sure she can afford arch supports.

sin taxes fail:  Well, there are a lot of sinners.

results of fake smile project:  We learned that we can be passive and aggressive.

yogurt interior bankrupt:  I saw them opening for Queens of the Stone Age in Cleveland last year.

compilation of strange penises:  If you ask me, they’re all pretty strange.

“put your penis inside a woman”:  Maybe not, if it’s strange.

chemical formula for beets:  88 percent water, 10 percent carbohydrates, and 2 percent urine dye.

badass bible tattoos:  Ask for the Nebuchadnezzar package.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (668)

What would Monday be if it weren’t for search strings? (Don’t answer that. I don’t even want to think about Mondays.)

pictures of Lily of at&t:  Sick of having sleepless nights, are you?

someone sent an online drug scam from my email account:  There are now more online drug scams than there are actual drug users.

reek squad:  They run decontamination on really stinky stuff.

meredith vieira enemas:  She hasn’t an enema in the world, though that’s purely suppository on my part.

subtle-t:  Ice-T’s introverted brother.

what can fix transmission 3-4 shift problems:  A large check given to a mechanic.

i want to webcam chat with naked grownups:  Until you actually see some, anyway.

confused two girls:  I think it might be even more than two.

man with hand on womans ass pewter ashtray:  There are at least two groups who will be angered at the very sight of this.

need more orcs:  Now that’s a scary prospect.

a symptom of abstinence (often involuntary) found in males who have been devoid of sexual intimacy for an interim of 6 months or more:  A RooshV bookmark.

barbie can’t do math:  But she can afford to hire someone who can.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (667)

And here we are, about two-thirds of the way to a thousand of these. (“These,” if you’re new here, are samplings of the search strings that point to this site, as they appeared in the system logs.)

win nicer:  The single most-ignored piece of political campaign advice.

what people like about winter:  If it’s cold enough, insect pests are killed. That’s it for me.

John Barleycorn and the temptations of Eve:  You might want to pass up that glass of apple cider.

ambien sex:  But you won’t remember it in the morning.

bimmers doing it sex positions:  In the car? You got any Ambien?

space utlization car:  Probably not much room for sex.

amazon fire invalid item drm:  Hell, even the valid items have DRM these days.

totally enclosed slut:  Burqa required.

young slut burka:  We’re talking total enclosure here.

i have official licensed products of the nhl 1976 dairyqueen sunday puck cups and decals:  I hope you weren’t planning on retiring on that.

stupid minds think alike:  Actually, you’d be amazed at the sheer variety of stupid.

moira etchells swansea crown court:  A perfectly reasonable woman, so long as she’s not actually naked.


Strange search-engine queries (666)

One thing we know: they’re not getting any less strange as the years go by.

What is the name of the Betazoid female midlife cycle that quadruples sex drive:  Trust me, Chuckie, it’s not gonna work on your girlfriend from Jersey City.

eccentric rich:  If they’re not rich, they’re considered weirdos instead.

time compressed movies:  This is the secret behind the new service, “Netflix and Freeze.”

application “who has seen your profile?” is unavailable:  Just as well, since those things never actually work.

i loved them all:  Except, of course, the ones who were stalking your profile.

i put a new transmission speed sensor on my contour but check engine light did not come off:  Another member of the I’ll Do Anything To Avoid Paying For A Diagnostic Club.

such a card:  Probably a joker.

poochy belly fetish:  “Pillsbury Doughboy, to the white courtesy phone, please.”

romance novels with female scientists:  By Chapter Seven, he needs to realize that she’s smarter than he is.

i’m reputedly intelligent: Of course you are. But that won’t win her heart, or even talk her out of her lab coat.

science brochures about titanium and or zinc:  Yeah. Read sone of those. Maybe she’ll be impressed.

forecast chili:  Chance of beans, 50 percent.

Comments (6)

Strange search-engine queries (665)

Yes, this again. So long as people search for their hopes and dreams, there’s all the justification we need to continue.

this post title became obsolete:  The hell you say. software:  Is this really any of yur business?

what he wound up with was shall we say not entirely dreamy-looking:  Not all of us have the option of being picky

he still doesn’t have time to go rifling through your data:  Hey, it’s not your fault you’re not dreamy-looking.

Site Meter:  I used to pay them to keep track of this stuff, and then suddenly they forgot how, or something.

this brand of denial:  Comes with a $20 rebate.

sex tube 5033 open toe heels with back seam pantyhose:  As fetishes go, this seems awfully, um, specific.

female clothing optional birthdays:  Doesn’t have to be her birthday for her to wear her birthday suit.

women don’t buy enough blue shoes:  Though they go well with birthday suits.

this works for me:  Yeah, I thought it might.

a babelicious drug lord:  Diversity in all things, lad.

hysterectomy sling anal sex:  Okay, maybe not all things.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (664)

“I have one last request,” said the dying man.

“What’s that?”

“Delete my browser history,” he gasped, and the curtain fell.

Probably wasn’t the person looking for these, but you know, you never know.

snuggie evolution:  Far as I know, they’ve never made it out of Version 1.0.

grand am drivers seat bolster turn knob:  See your nearest salvage yard. Or wear a Snuggie in the car.

“nancy pelosi” laugh “wav file”:  Just in time for Halloween.

“you take a ring and then another ring”:  And if they still won’t open the door, play a .wav file of Nancy Pelosi laughing.

being a hick:  Greatest fear of any coastal Democrat.

do ford mondeo transmission have seals?find free cvv for mastercard and with the sum of $3000:  Take a guess. You have one chance in a thousand.

why emails deleted before read:  You’re very fortunate. Most of us have to delete it manually.

flakiest sign of the zodiac:  Doughboy, the Biscuit.

bail check bounced:  Well, we know where you’re gonna be for the next several weeks.

naturist activists ontario:  You’d better hurry. It’s almost November.

in other news ice is cold:  So is Ontario in the winter.

solar system tattoo:  An excellent idea. Where should we put Uranus?

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (663)

What does it mean if your search string appears here? Not so much, really; it means only that we saw it, and thought it was a tad less dull than the usual stuff we get around here.

what to do while waiting for 911 ambulance:  Try not to bleed?

“the runaway american dream”:  Being able to afford an ambulance when you need one.

louie louie first dance wedding song:  Makes a lot more sense than, say, “Every Breath You Take.”

google page ranks defunct:  Yeah, that’s what they said at Bing.

what snakes live in drains:  The ones that cost $300 to remove.

stupid minds think alike:  Not so. Some of them don’t think at all.

nytimes recent paper back book reviews &emdash; one on lonely women being less choosey as they age:  As long as they’re sanitary.

“plumper wearing black opaque tights”:  Not that men are all that picky.

origin of polish jokes:  Hint: it wasn’t Latvia.

what people like about winter:  It usually goes away in about 90 days.

totally enclosed slut:  I think they charge extra for that.

ambien sex:  If God is merciful, you won’t remember a thing.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (662)

A lot of people aren’t even aware that this site, very nearly as old as the World Wide Web itself, even exists. Then they punch up a search string, read down the results, and suddenly, there we are. Multiply by a dozen or so, and you have this Monday-morning feature.

what people like about winter:  I’m guessing “ice on the roads” doesn’t make the list.

chemistry sorghum syrup:  Two parts sugar, one part some other sugar.

interlock selonoid 1994 mazda 626:  Um, “solenoid.” The Selenoids were assimilated by the Borg around star date 23963.4.

intellectual flexibility:  Once a desirable characteristic, now spurned in favor of superficial diversity.

life imitates me:  Lucky you. It mostly irritates me.

oldsmobile bravada heat sometimes work sometimes no:  It’s October. Let’s hope it works for now.

gay sex with old men scholl sandals:  As fetishes go, this one seems a bit more specific than usual.

every thing about cancer:  Pretty much sucks.

i want to move my cadillac cts drivers seat further back:  Either this guy plays for the NBA, or he’s the worst slouch you’ve ever seen.

well endowed nudist:  Inherited a lot of money, did he?

ging gang bung:  Sequel to the Five Keys’ “Ling Ting Tong.”

how to get rid of negative search engine queries under you name:  Try not being a dick.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (661)

And what did you search for today? Was it something like this? Because people are searching for something like this, and the system logs have a tendency to give them away.

my little pony friendship is magic pony wedding figure princess cadance:  Now do you want the real Princess Cadance, or the fake who’s actually Queen Chrysalis of the changelings?

1971 song cant find the time:  Sorry, I can’t go looking that up just now.

what are the difficulties in internet?  Knowing that someday it will all be Facebook.

candid jailbait spy:  Oh, yeah, and people like this.

consciously or unconsciously he has been caught up by the zeitgeist and with his black brothers of africa and his brown and yellow brothers of asia south america and the caribbean the united states negro is moving with:  Truth be told, I quit reading after “zeitgeist,” but I figure anyone still talking “negro” is way behind the times.

stacy sanches beats up julie cialini:  It’s not like Playmates of the Year to take punches at one another.

abortion please forgive us jennifer durocher:  Somehow I don’t think that’s Ms Durocher’s department.

“”love in every room” mauriat download mp3 free -torrent”:  “I want to steal this song, but I’m picky about how I steal it.”

bimmers doing it sex positions:  This is worse than that kid up the street trying to drift that 318i.

rapesymbolism in harry potter:  Now you know how Ron got so Weasley.

totally enclosed slut:  Sounds like one of those Ron Weasley spells.

rather have a virus than use norton:  Yeah, that’s what John McAfee said.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (660)

On the off-chance that you haven’t seen this feature before, it’s rather easily explained: people look for stuff on the Web, and should they wind up here, this is the sort of stuff they’re looking for.

in this clip, we see 3-week-old colin trying to hold his head up. if he is like most babies, he will:  Fall right over, and you’ll never make a dime from YouTube.

virgin socially inept:  Well, it’s not unheard of, exactly.

facelift for a ranch style home:  You don’t want it the color of ranch style dressing. Trust me on this.

coweta ga home for sale repairable:  You can paint right over that ranch-dressing look.

“”nancy pelosi” laugh “wav file””:  Get her to contemplate some of the House Republicans. She’ll laugh for days.

“airwaves “7-11″ wad gum chewed”:  You chew enough of it and yes, you do wind up with a wad.

naked flower review:  Got some nice pistils over there.

uncopiable cd rom:  Hang on, I’ve got a copy right here.

where to buy the fertilizer rock dust in the state of mississippi?  Try your nearest feed store.

buy vibrator for her hattiesburg ms:  Don’t try your local feed store.

hef sleeps:  He had to eventually.

men dating intellectual women:  It’s a swell idea — except for Hef. Put him right to sleep, she did.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (659)

This concept is pretty easy to grasp: several hundred people arrive here each week as a result of something they found while doing a Web search, and a handful of them are reprinted here so you can see how weird they are. No more to it than that.

meredith vieira wearing bakini  “Bakini”? Is this something you’d wear to host a cooking show?

what is a short pier?:  The smallest member of a pier group; you may be invited to take a long walk thereupon.

writers bump relief:  This used to be an annual event, held for the benefit of scribes who’d been run over by a bus. The event was discontinued after some suspicious folk discovered that they were actually being thrown under the bus.

wooing a female audience:  Women are fantastically loyal. Just not to you.

bullet bras:  Very effective if you select the correct caliber.

witnesses see naked women in freudenstadt:  I think we may safely presume they aren’t wearing bullet bras.

what are the difficulties in internet?  Many users at once wanting to see naked women in Freudenstadt.

“sex tube 5” open-toe heels with back seam pantyhose:  On the other hand, it pays to be selective.

“plumper wearing black opaque tights”:  Up to a point, anyway.

mississippi state police amc javelin:  I knew they’d had budget cuts, but I didn’t think they were that bad.

peta exa zetta yotta hella:  This is going to play hell with all the people who still can’t figure out “mega” and “giga.”

she-male comic:  Um, no. She’s trans. And if you don’t like it you can suck her dick.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (658)

This weekly feature is based on a simple premise: there are people sitting in front of their computers looking for stuff, and sometimes that stuff is kind of weird.

does porn make you stupid:  No, but it assumes you probably are.

what rhymes with gosh:  All sorts of bosh.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly:  It would be many years before she would become a Senator.

the elder statesman hats:  Surprisingly, they don’t look like anyone’s genitalia.

lucerne driver’s seat molding cracked:  All we know from this is that somewhere there’s a Buick owner with a fat ass.

“oklahoma journal” newspaper 1992 july 10th:  Good luck with that. The Journal closed down in 1980.

we be looky to buy home in alexandria in egypt:  Good luck with that. What was left of the library closed down in 391.

dakota fanning’s panty and bra pics:  Yeah, it wouldn’t be Monday without someone looking for some rude celebrity pictures.

how do movie stunt cars burn rubber:  They use trained professionals, the sort that, well, aren’t you.

200 lb leopard vs 120 lb wrestler:  The wrestler gets his face eaten.

macho grande:  I would have thought you’d have gotten over that by now.

i think you need a beer:  I think you may be right.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (657)

This is Labor Day in the States, nominally a holiday; for some of us, of course, the labor never quite seems to end. Here’s what we’re finding among the search strings:

grand am drivers seat bolster turn knob:  Sheared it right off, did you?

explicit photos of 1940’s movie stars:  In the 1940s, a glimpse of bare knee might have been considered “explicit.”

it was sorta cold:  It has only just begun to warm up in San Francisco.

reality defined as oppositions between earth and heaven the natural and the supernatural:  Try this one: reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. (Philip K. Dick)

you think therefore i am:  Ya think?

beautiful wodget will not load skins on my eris:  And what does Eris think of this?

underwear waifs:  Size 4 at most, I imagine.

uncopiable cd rom:  I remember those. Still have copies of some of them.

what is 3.25 percent of $25000 for excise tax:  Don’t they teach math in this state anymore? $812.50.

facelift for a ranch style home:  Well, anything but ranch dressing.

“where’s the steel guitar”:  Just bought a Taylor Swift album, did you?

middle aged men expect bikini wax:  They also expect women in their early twenties. As if.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (656)

If you’re like me — and why should you be? — you spend a fair amount of time looking up stuff. Some folks look up stuff that seems to make no sense, and logically, that brings them here, where sense is at a premium. Once in a while, we take a look at what they were hoping to find.

xxxxx.e roman numeral:  I understood that right until you got to that stray E.

stupid minds think alike:  Which wouldn’t be a problem if there weren’t so damn many of them.

she is made to feel unwanted within them and throughout the novel:  Heck, you can find that in memoirs these days.

plus size nudes:  There is a demand; be assured that there is a supply.

dakota fanning’s panty and bra pics:  On the other hand, she is neither plus size nor nude.

this letter is from world fund discovery management and payment bureau inaugurated by the world financial service authority united states of america / united kingdom:  Gee, and I was hoping to hear from those nice folks in Nigeria.

why hr manager fail to pay attention:  Oh, she’s paying attention, all right. Just not to what you think she is.

ten years of junk:  What I had on this site, twelve years ago.

adolescent naturists:  Wait a while. Most of them haven’t worked up the nerve to break it to their families just yet.

if i had to pay $65.82 and tax was 6% how much would i have to pay:  If you have to ask, you have no recourse if they tell you it’s $150.

punished butts & bulb enema:  When the fluid is warm, you must whip it.

i think you need a beer:  I think you may be right.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (655)

By now, we’re past the dog days of summer, but some of us, remembering the terriers of our youth, keep on digging for the few, the funny, the least-explicable search terms that bring people to this site, or at least to within sight of this site.

Cody buys a soda that offers another soda free if he is lucky. The cap reads ‘1 in 6 wins!’, meaning:  When he doesn’t win, he buys a whole six-pack.

buy toyota save japan:  What happens if we buy Fiat Chrysler?

gougery sung:  This is the division of Samsung that sets prices on cell phones.

abcd goldfish:  Prototype for One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

how to have a polite political discussion:  Set your time machine for A.D. 1817.

how to drive a automatic 3 stroke:  Three-stroke? And I thought rotary engines were weird.

taylor yogurt machine rebuild:  Soft-serve is so hard to clean up after.

how to bury bad press:  Contrive to have something worse happen.

the path of least assistance:  Proposed standard for smaller government, assuming there were such a thing as smaller government.

slut asked for it:  Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, pal.

no pleasure in life living with an incurable disease xanax overdose:  Dial 1-800-273-8255.

Who said, “I couldn’t possibly fail to disagree with you less”?  I did. See? It’s right there on the sidebar.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (654)

What we do here, in case you hadn’t noticed, is to look through the hundreds of search strings that lead to this very site, and hope some of them are amusing enough to reprint here on Mondays.

Tom Servo, remind you to bite me:  You know, you really should just relax.

where is cougar solenoid sensor:  It’s in the cerebral cortex. Do you expect to meet any cougars?

breast types pictures cup sizes clothed unclothed:  Well, at least you’re not picky.

margaret trudeau no panties:  Unlike, for instance, this guy.

cheap diet shoes:  Do they have to be gluten-free?

outfits with orange shoes:  Probably not cheap. Or low-calorie, either.

hot nightwear:  If it’s really that hot, you might as well take it off.

“like to pee standing”:  You might not want to do that in hot nightwear.

“what the font”:  Perhaps you’re getting an Arial view.

variable attitude submersible hydrofoil china:  And meanwhile, we worry about plastic straws.

snow is a four letter word:  Yeah. So was “July.”

what the fuck is steve’s problem:  Perhaps you should ask Garfunkel and Oates.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (653)

Search-engine use makes up a substantial part of my personal computing, and probably of yours as well. All queries are essentially equal, according to the servers, which do not pass judgment on such things. However, some of them are weirder than others, as a quick look through some of the search strings that land here will quickly demonstrate.

hry auta gorf tuning 4:  Well, yeah, if you say so.

eternal servererrors:  500 for all eternity.

do liberals have more abortions than conservatives?  Maybe. Conservatives, however, are less likely to brag about it.

message in a pothole:  And that message is: quit awarding pavement contracts to the lowest bidder all the time.

kendall was always a little freaky:  You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.

alpharetta conspiracies strange locations:  As though Alpharetta itself wasn’t strange enough.

the bad news birds:  Is this a Hitchcock prequel?

“frog ecosystem” delaware buy:  It’s a simple system: you get toad away, and you get fined.

dilatancy genitals sex movie:  Don’t most sex movies involve some sort of genitals?

is it bad to puke green with white dots in it:  Even without white dots in it.

everything causes cancer:  Well, yeah, but not everything makes you puke green with white dots in it.

what the fuck is a grape nut:  (1) It’s not a grape; (2) it’s not a nut.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (652)

How this works:

  • You type a search string into your browser, which duly sends it to the search engine.
  • The search engine returns several URLs, one of which is on this very site.
  • Hilarity ensues.

We hope so, anyway.

the original rapacious videos 905:  I never knew there were more than ten of them.

naturists Calgary meetup nudist:  They might even have a site for this by the time summer is over.

sporks illustrated:  The premiere magazine of dinnerware.

suppose that someone stole your atm card and withdrew $1125 from your checking account:  Rather a lot of us are laughing at the thought that we might have $1125 in checking.

america’s hottest secretary:  Let’s not make any more work for her than we have to.

gorgeous librarians:  They might make more as secretaries, but they love what they do.

brian hyland she wears short shorts:  Or, more often, a bikini, smallish, with polka dots.

southern women passing the vapor:  Of course, they’ll be too polite to pass them to you.

how does a manual transmission act when it runs out of fluid:  The gears start to grind, and then they don’t move anymore.

crossdresser glute pads:  My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

silly memes:  Aren’t they all kind of silly?

yogurt tapeworms:  Not recommended as a dietary aid.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (651)

Did you ever walk past the library computers? Of course you have. Did someone try awfully hard to keep you from seeing what was on screen? If so, we’re trying to find out what that someone was looking for.

hysteric preservation:  This is how that bowling alley managed to get federal funds.

mazda 626 history best selling car:  Should have been, maybe, but never was. sexywomes in kenya:  So rich, so sexy, they cause you to type like a blind orangutan.

been meaning to phone ya minnesota:  Just couldn’t get Wisconsin off the party line.

book the road twice taken:  Makes no difference to me, though Mr. Frost might have something to say about it.

mergers don’t always lead to cultural clashes case study boa and mbna:  True. Both of them were united in their desire to stick it to you.

places to live for single boomer artist:  The Millennials can let you camp out in their garage for $2200 a month.

you’re doing it wrong font:  The answer is always Comic Sans.

the women you’d most like to see nude:  Long list, no prospects.

twit_dollars  Scrip used to pay @jack what he’s worth.

eye bleach fail:  Aw, Perseus. We told you not to look directly at her.

i knew you were going to say that:  Guess what? So did I.

Comments off

Strange search-engine queries (650)

Do people become crazy from the heat? You can’t really tell from the search strings; if anything, you’re likely to conclude that they’re crazy all year, irrespective of temperature.

liam payne chenine lozano midnight memories def leppard copyright infringement:  Why do I get the feeling I’ve heard this before?

google ad wrods:  Be careful not to misspell any of those wrods.

margaret trudeau no panties:  That was years ago, and so far as I know it had nothing to do with son Justin.

rule34 nancy pelosi:  Please don’t go there.

the penis clone replica will be incredibly detailed all tiny lines and bumps:  And you waste all that technology fantasizing about Nancy Pelosi.

black bikinis on lads and cars pics:  Most of the lads I know do the one-piece thing almost exclusively.

bad glasses prescription affect short term memory:  What was that … that thing I just saw?

fourteen year old nudist girl:  I knew one once. You couldn’t have handled her.

its not the transmission:  Well, thank your lucky stars.

roche diagnostics getting rid of insulin pump business:  Considering how much they’re asking for insulin these days, it should be no surprise.

i’m not a criminal i bounced one check:  We’ll let the district attorney be the judge of that.

grendel opry:  Man, you should have heard Beowulf on the talking steel guitar.

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Strange search-engine queries (649)

What we have here, in case you hadn’t seen it before, is a sampling of search strings which eventually lead to this site, assuming the searcher dug down a bit but not a whole lot. (Normally, ten pages of results will be about as much as anyone is willing to persevere.)

As the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over:  where the heck they find words like “eleemosynary.”

james lileks lingerie:  Far as I know, he doesn’t wear such things.

lookin like a fool with your plants on the ground:  Sorry, can’t get ’em to grow in the air.

ford f250 buzzer goes off when you go faster than 76 mph:  It’s Ford’s way of telling you you’re entering the Five Miles Per Gallon Zone.

pantyhose heel dipping of asian stewartess:  No wonder you made such a fuss about getting an aisle seat.

2002 saab 9-3 problem oil light comes on after driving it for 10-20 miles is it sludge related?  Usually, if the oil light comes on, you have more immediate issues than mere sludge buildup.

archie veronica enema:  This is one of Reggie’s tricks, isn’t it?

“walks around the house naked”:  I can imagine Veronica doing that, though maybe not Betty.

niece/booth gunfight 1906 guymon okla:  What, did someone see her walking around the house naked?

borsalino hat california:  According to legend, someone got shot while wearing nothing but the hat.

when he thinks about you less:  I dunno. Have you tried walking around the house in just a hat?

“blue headstone”:  Figure on an extra $600 in the funeral bill.

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Strange search-engine queries (648)

Welcome to Monday, to July, and to the second half of the year. Please have exact change. Comimg up: a sampling of the search strings that somehow lead to this site if you drill far enough, and these people evidently did.

geez its warm:  Yeah, July is like that. (Not available in Australia.)

the worst snowstorm ever:  No, July is not like that. (Perhaps in Australia.)

little kid sextube:  Um, we don’t do that here. Kids have it hard enough without having to deal with pervs.

transmission problems with a 1989 Ford Probe:  Issues with a nearly-30-year-old car? Do tell.

wells fargo credit card and 651 fico score:  And that’s why you’re driving a nearly-30-year-old car.

“void is life”:  That’s what happens with a nearly-30-year-old car, especially during rush hour.

puke green:  Of all the colors of bodily functions, this was the one you’d see most often in 1970s kitchens.

like germans:  Doesn’t everybody like Germans? I mean, this isn’t 1944

waxing less frontal nudity:  Actually, in my experience, frontal nudity encourages at least some people to wax more.

fowl mouths:  It’s those goddamn ducks again, isn’t it?

the biggest problem hipster girl is that you’re just too intimidating in your good taste and vaguely-counterculture-but-not-threateningly-eccentric hotness for me to:  Even get it up anymore.

taco bell hiring:  My favorite spot for meeting intimidating hipster girls.

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Strange search-engine queries (647)

On the off-chance that you’ve managed to avoid not seeing this feature, please be advised that it’s not particularly complicated: we look at search strings that point to this site, and we print the ones with the greatest (if any) comedic potential. Nothing special, really, but it seems to work.

“three armed man and three breasted woman”:  Together, an example of nature in balance.

hp “900 pages left”:  Figure at least three ink cartridges and one jam.

users have found ways to hack ink cartridges printers and the system registry to get rid of the time stamp software that forces them to buy new ink cartridges:  Don’t try this on an HP with a 900-page print job pending.

big cog small cog:  Like “good cop, bad cop,” except for robots.

“pantyhose for penis”:  Just don’t come running to me when you have to go to the bathroom.

i wrote haikus about cannibalism in your yearbook torrent:  You wrote all that stuff, the lines about roasting Gramps? You go straight to hell.

ponies drink:  Rainbow Dash has been known to hoist a cider or two.

washed my capital 1 credit card and now i can not read the cvv2 code on the back:  You’ll never make it in money laundering, kid.

i have seen you somewhere:  Nice to know I was somewhere at the time.

when to include the dollar sign:  When it makes no cents otherwise.

“conservatives rooms are tidy”:  Did you have a warrant to examine the premises?

why do we need rocks:  Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

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Strange search-engine queries (646)

Sometimes you hear from people who are desperate to have their browser history erased before Someone Sees. I’m not assuming that these are the same people whose search strings appear here, but you never know, right?

twelve year itch:  Like the seven-year itch, but its onset is later.

when are easter dresses out:  Late winter or early spring. Not June.

a puckish sense of humor:  Then again, some people are about as amusing as a hockey puck.

how to count in na’vi:  Ask James Cameron’s accountant.

morgan fairchild long red fingernails:  Fetishes are getting so specific these days.

elizabeth montgomery sitting at desk nude:  See what I mean?

heated and cooled seats quit working. won’t work on either driver’s or passanger’s seats for lincoln zephyr 2006:  “And I’ll do anything to avoid going to an actual Lincoln dealer.”

sanctuary tv show clara griffin makeup isn’t invisible:  Well, is yours?

why databases are not visible?  See Clara Griffin’s makeup tips.

“malted barley brain damage mercury “steel reserve””:  I have no idea what this is, but I bet drinking it plays hell with your coordination.

“””we are professional grade” lame slogan”:  Says the amateur critic.

lashes from a whip alternative to prison:  Won’t that damage your orange jumpsuit?

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Strange search-engine queries (645)

Once in a while, we like to kick off our shoes and put our feet up — believe me, it’s easier in that order — and take a peek at the logs, to see what in the world is bringing people to this site.

liam payne chenine lozano midnight memories def leppard copyright infringement:  You throw enough names in there and they’re bound to get you for something.

thanks to a successfulcrowd:  And to show you how successful, here’s a picture of the crowd after some minor Photoshop adjustments.

don’t give me no dirty look:  Because we’ll just erase it from the crowd photo.

textbooks suck:  Not to worry. At present funding levels we won’t be buying any for the next several years.

hobnailed jackboots:  You’ll notice they never wear jackpumps or jackwedges or jacksandals.

publicity plan for a yogurt business:  First, get rid of that godawful word “yogurt.” We suggest “biotic creme.”

how to do sil austin stutter tongue:  You’ll need to eat a lot of yogurt biotic creme.

2cv animated gifL  Which turns out to be faster than an actual 2CV.

maserati gran turismo installation dvd or satellite navigation:  $2750 at the dealership. Or you can just set your phone on the front seat.

why does 1500 silverado heater oscillate between hot and cold on driver side?  Who gives a flip? It’s June.

old farts age 50:  62 is the new 50.

appraisal of uneconomic remnant real estate parcels by a municipality in condemnation:  You’ll have to talk to those old farts at City Hall.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (644)

It’s summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime, and here we are again. (No one writes songs about very late spring, so let’s not get technical; even the National Weather Service considers summer to be the first of June through the last of August.) What we do here is pick out search strings that point to this place, and hope someone finds them amusing.

how to provoke discussion:  Say something — anything — on social media.

material safety data sheet cover girl natureluxe silk foundation:  I don’t think it’s safe to eat any of that stuff.

cromulent assessment:  It embiggens every year.

recently did engine overhaul on my mazda 626 but my gears wont shift:  Don’t take apart things you can’t put back together.

prayer is the best gift from god. no cost but lots of reward:  You might consider praying the next time you overhaul an engine,

worse spelling of erica:  Any such spelling containing a G or W.

mac itunes 11.1.4 audio stutters:  Oh, pish-tosh. Things like that just don’t happen on Macs.

idioms about unexpected future:  Not to worry. Things like that just don’t happen on Macs.

searching their bras:  They’re probably not going to outsource that to you.

forum winstar casino exhibitionist:&nbsp They weren’t exhibitionists. They were just searching their bras.

she made several messy television appearances in which she did not appear lucid:  Well, at least she wasn’t searching her bra.

post menopausal closet communist hag:  Yeah, but did she appear lucid on television?

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (643)

While you enjoy your day off, remember those who gave their lives to make your day off possible. And then feel free to enjoy some of the search strings left behind by some of this site’s visitors.

mid year crisis:  Better now than in January, I guess.

wopking. ripres  At the very least, that doesn’t look like a proper URL.

www.14yr old pussypics:  At the very least, that doesn’t look like a proper anything.

content://downloads/big-slut-taking-big-stiff-cock-6-min.html?interstitial:  Now we’re about as far from “proper” as we can get.

bore and stroke 86 86:  Yeah, I remember ’86. I stroked, she was bored.

summary of if you ask me spellbound” by libby gelman-waxner in new york”:  A sub-thousand-word essay hardly needs a summary.

christy brinkley getting out of limo:  Obviously she has arrived.

angie dickinson million dollar legs:  She could afford a limo if she wanted one.

ain’t i a woman truth mentions slavery in the final sentence of robinson’s version of her speech:  She probably couldn’t afford a limo, but she deserved one.

ming na maxim:  I guess I missed that issue. Damn.

www porn romantick wife faqing front of hasban:  Oh, let’s not start that up again.

what happens when you bite your tongue and hold your breath:  You lose the election.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (642)

We’ve done this a few times before, so you should probably not be shocked that we’re doing it again. After all, people keep searching for stuff, and perhaps they always will.

1956 gum products adventure cards max Schilling #86:  I’d almost bet this was supposed to be Max Schmeling, heavyweight champion of the world in the early 1930s.

best psa:  I’ve had several PSAs, and didn’t like any of them.

new version of cars with gearbox that have l or 2 or 3:  Cars aren’t that simple anymore. Now you have 25 or 6 to 4.

p r n d s l meaning:  You were probably confused by 1 2 3.

yuja wang blue dress:  You should be so lucky.

clogs of war:  Generally don’t look good with a blue dress.

aldi dolley wheels:  And if they point the wrong way, you don’t get your quarter back.

cromulent assessment:  It had been embiggened 4.5 percent since the previous year.

you need your thumb to vacuum clean:  I thought I told you to have that damn switch fixed.

how to provoke discussion:  We wouldn’t be having this discussion if you’d gotten that damn switch fixed.

since i don’t have anyone in my life at this moment i got involved in a greenpeace project at the arctic circle:  Wouldn’t it have been easier just to get that damn switch fixed?

suppose you have drank some magic potion and become invisible for one day write instruction for making an antidote for this magic potion so that you can reverse the action and become visible within an hour:  How do I know you’re really invisible and not just involved in a Greenpeace project at the Arctic Circle?

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