Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (698)

People often ask “How much privacy do I have on the Internet?” The answer, of course, is “Next to none.”

the invisible woman 1983 download:  By now, I think more people have seen this goofy little feature than ever watched it on NBC that one night.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin:  In case you were wondering how reCAPTCHA could possibly be made worse.

god only knows vocals only:  Oh, He knows the chord changes. But some things, you have to do on your own.

the federal communications commission (fcc) found itself in court after issuing a controversial edict known as the open internet order (oio). the oio authorized a new set of regulations:  What the hell else would it do? The government vigorously resists the idea of removing old sets of regulations.

ssl_error_bad_mac_read:  Hey, it wasn’t my fault.

dorothy holds herself responsible for causing hurricane katrina that killed thousands of people in the united states. identify the type of delusion afflicting dorothy:  Thinking she was George W. Bush.

adrianne palicki stockings:  It’s summer now. Everyone you know is sporting bare legs.

part 7b costs the midwest division of frackle corporation $30 to make, of which $21 is variable. midwest division sells part 7b to other companies for $47. the northern division of frackle corporation can use part 7b in one of its products. the midwest division has enough idle capacity to produce all of the units of part 7b that the northern division would require. what is the lowest transfer price at which the midwest division should be willing to sell part 7b to the northern division?  And you thought Tesla’s finances were obscure.

armadillo syphilis:  I’d hate to see you explain that down at the free clinic.

jim holzman at ace ticket has a few premium seats in the front row. he would like to find out how much extra he can charge for those tickets, relative to identical seats right behind in the second row. to do so, he decided to run a survey. which of the following questions is least likely to elicit an honest answer?  “How much would you pay to see Nickelback?”

“everyonedoesit usa”:  Most useless hashtag ever.

gemma hung:  Which surprised a few of her dates.

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Strange search-engine queries (697)

There was a guy on Quora Saturday night who wanted to know what the most unlikely Google search might be. I should have just given him this link.

count the time in quarter tones to ten:  I’ll get right on it, probably around twenty-five or -six to four.

walmart 28214:  Yeah, there’s probably a Walmart in Charlotte.

reese witherspoon the man in the moon swimming:  Finally, a subtle(ish) request for nudes. (Yes, she, or at least a body double, was skinny-dipping.)

movie clothing database:  Query: what Reese Witherspoon was wearing in that swimming scene.

pick on someone your own Calibur:  Or, since you’ve almost certainly lost it, your ex-Calibur.

Juan is an ardent environmentalist and the sole supporter of two children. He found out that his:  Congressman is pushing for a bill to reduce family size because of “climate change,” and therefore one of the kids has to go.

chintziness:  A quality which Congress fears. Dreads, even.

pervy sloth meme:  Fingered by three toes. Fascinating.

choctaw ridge song:  Where the hell were you last week, on the third of June?

warner brothers records burbank:  They’ve moved out of Burbank, and they’re not even brothers anymore.

warner bros ball cap:  See if you can find one with the old logo.

black and decker vacuum:  I have one, and frankly, it sucks.

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Strange search-engine queries (696)

It’s summertime, so this evergreen feature may show a hint of brown here and there. The rules haven’t changed, though: we look at what people are searching for, and if it’s weird enough, we share.

mary clare mulhall 2017:  One of the proprietors of a resort in Palm Springs. She might have shoes on, but probably nothing else.

porn makes you stupid:  You were stupid before. This just reinforces it.

rat queens rule 34:  To each his own, I guess.

room temperature co2 reduction to solid carbon species on liquid metals featuring atomically thin ceria interfaces:  Gotta have my bowl, gotta have ceria.

mousley cereal:  I’ll have a bowl without so much mouse in it.

the invisible girl movie:  You may not understand the love scene.

sickenlaw:  Derisive term for “single-payer.”

carvanacare:  Imagine single-payer for your car.

bob’s bank charges him a $3.15 service fee every time he uses an out-of-network atm. if bob uses an out-of-network atm an average of three times every two weeks, how much will he pay in service fees over the course of a year?  About half as much as he’s paying in overdraft fees.

where are mazdas manufactured:  You don’t care, as long as it isn’t China.

earstrings:  Recommended for the removal of earworms.

music video actress database:  That might be useful, especially if it existed.

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Strange search-engine queries (695)

We’ve done this before, but if you missed out before, this is what’s going down: we’re looking at the search strings that lead Web surfers to this site, and we’re postings the ones which we think can be made to elicit cheap laffs. Nothing more complicated than that.

over a barrel:  What’s the most logical place to put a gun sight?

Blair apologized, but assured survivors of the Hurricane that they had not been:  Blown to smithereens.

rule 34 urban dictionary:  Somehow this seems superfluous.

uranus sound:  A faint ripping noise, only audible if there’s some air nearby.

lone star tick meat allergy snopes:  Not even Snopes would think that Texans eat ticks.

matinay:  She was named that because she was conceived during a Saturday-afternoon movie.

designated runner:  Not so loud, Major League Baseball might hear you.

florence foresti segolene royal:  “Name two French women with killer legs.”

so doggone cute:  Among others, Florence Foresti.

after polly shrum sells a stock, she avoids following it in the media. she is afraid that it may subsequently increase in price. what behavioral characteristic does shrum have as the basis for her decision making?  She used to own a lot of $TSLA.

fortress proppants:  A lot to expect of pants, even if they are just props.

jeanine pirro cleavage:  Well, that’s one way to get on Fox News.

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Strange search-engine queries (694)

Yeah, we’re doing this again, like we did last week, the week before, and a few hundred weeks before that. Really, you should really just relax.

count the time in quarter tones:  It’s about twenty-five (or six) to four.

a novel with no verbs:  So nothing happens? Good to know.

stirred yogurt innuendo:  Doesn’t sound so stirring to me.

flurry of press attention:  Which you get only if the official narrative is supported therein.

where is there stock of ipad:  Your local Apple store should have a stack in stock.

please be informed that all neccesary documents has been put in place all you will have to do is to make sure you can be able to afford 110 usd:  Which will not be enough for an iPad.

bad fitting suit:  I’m told The Donald pays extra for them.

guys wearing women’s underthings:  Probably why their suits don’t fit so well.

men and/or women who are born with male and female organs and/or genes:  And all of them in ill-fitting suits.

garofalo pasta costco:  What exactly does this incantation do?

“aisha tyler” “well hung”:  I guess you’re seeing something I’m not.

can you say crap on the radio?  Shit, no.

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Strange search-engine queries (693)

Idly wondering whether I can sign up DuckDuckGo as a sponsor for this feature, since they’re the only search engine of any size that’s never had anyone’s searches land on this page.

biñg:  Spanish for “bing.”

suzanne the plans they made:  Okay, let’s put an end to that right now.

Richard gene Angell mexico computer circuit board designer:  Just in case you thought all these folks were in China.

you’re darn tootin we like fig newtons:  Which would still work as a slogan, except now that other fruits are available.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:  Separating tourists from their dollars.

by the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  The Washington Post.

suppose ford, gm, and dodge make the majority of pick-up trucks sold in the united states if they all sell for approximately the same price, and ford offers a $2,000 rebate on new truck sales, what can ford expect to see?  Ram and the General doing likewise.

ryan opens a bank account with $50:  After fees and service charges, he has about $26.50.

brenda is always ready with a story to tell about performance in her area. unfortunately, brenda sometimes leaves out important facts and makes statements that cannot be corroborated. brenda is delivering:  What is generally expected of a White House press secretary.

loren grey jerk off challenge:  It’s enough to make you miss Circus of the Stars.

8866128975287528:  Proposed spending in the next Congressional budget.

i’m gonna whip somebody’s duck:  Not having the temerity to whip his ass.

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Strange search-engine queries (692)

Surely by now you know the drill: you search for it, your search lands here, I take note of it. Blather, rinse, repeat.

Steeleye Span The Journey Sept 2nd 1995 full setlist of all performers:  Darn, I would like to have seen that.

dudity:  A lot of people are running around dude.

dreggiest:  Wine preferred by dudists.

the things that michelle gave up from her decision are called the:  Things that a couple of dudes really wanted.

motown i want to stop and thank you babby:  In case you were asking how babby is courted.

stop and thank you baby motiwn:  Same guy. Apparently he is required to misspell one word each time.

invalid public movie atom:  In QuickTime, this is evidently a feature.

pepsiland:  Save your E-tickets for the ride down Dew Mountain.

rhymes with glee:  Later. Right now I gotta glee.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  If you have to be persuaded, I don’t know you.

seo expert witness:  Just once I want to see one of those guys on trial.

zumi rule34:  Who’s Zuming who?

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Strange search-engine queries (691)

You’ve probably seen this sort of thing before: you look for something, that something appears on one of the several pages here, and I look at what you were looking for.

britneys tg caption:  Oh, fergoshsakes, leave Britney alone.

webster parish convention & visitors bureau:  There’s got to be some way to attract tourists to this burg.

j’accuse polanski:  Sounds like a roman à clef to me.

blair apologized, but assured survivors of the hurricane that they had not been deserted. in fact, blair said, embassy staff had been working “day and night” in an attempt to reach britons trapped in a new orleans superdome stadium. which part of this excerpt is subjective?  Almost certainly all of it.

tweetier:  Oh, gawd, Sylvester’s hitting the Valium again.

assume that a film includes repeated scenes showing the trademark voom on the sports shoes of its attractive adolescent protagonists. although the film is successful among young audiences, no increase occurs in the sale of voom shoes:  Those shoes wouldn’t voom if you put four million volts through them.

finishable:  Something no one has said about David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest.

payspal:  The third vector, after you rob Peter to pay Paul.

trollette:  For example, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY).

vajankle for sale:  Nobody leases anymore.

defiring:  “And now you want me back? Toughski shitski, Dmitri.”

the songs “there’s a man goin’ round takin’ names” and “i got a woman” are essentially the same song. the first is a traditional southern gospel song and “i got a woman” is ray charles’ revision of the song with r&b lyrics and a rhythm section:  To that we must add “The Death of Rock and Roll” by the Maddox Bros. and Rose.

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Strange search-engine queries (690)

Whose bright idea was it to have a Monday this week? Well, too late now, we’re stuck with it. And I have to see what’s kicking around in the logs.

southpole:  Not a whole lot warmer than the North.

invisible woman in pantyhose:  Wouldn’t that reduce her advantage over us ordinary folk?

desperate for recognition:  Oh, that’s her over there, the one who looks like an empty pair of tights.

captain we are being hailed:  Hold your course until it reaches the size of golf balls.

flute foosi:  The flat flute foosi? With the floy-floy?

donald duck ringtone play with my balls:  Hell, you don’t even have pants.

paul savage purchased a restaurant named burger haven from larry jones. the purchase would cause the number of reporting entities to:  Buy more French fries.

jasmine tridevil dead:  Little Miss Three Boobs is gone? I can’t believe it. (And neither can Snopes.)

sembling:  I don’t know, I’ve never sembled.

search engine colossus:  So, bigger than Bing, then?

assassination classroom:  Conveniently, next to the lunch room.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best?  “Aw, is my back hurting your knife?”

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Strange search-engine queries (689)

Don’t worry, your tax return isn’t late. Yet. And while you ponder the ramifications thereof, we’ll kill some time with some of the search strings sitting over there in the bin.

tonsf money:  It’s like “tons of money,” except that it really isn’t.

pencilneck recommends internet profits:  I remember when the Motley Fool used to do this.

silver daddy e:  Used to be “daddy o,” but age takes its toll.

grams grave groove:  GFY.

gfy meaning:  Well, it’s not “Google for yourself.”

colossal cave was formed years ago by underground running water. today, it is the home to many animals, like bats. these interactions are an example of:  I didn’t think there were all that many animals like bats.

legitish:  Slightly less emphatic than “seems legit.”

you jizz:  YouTube doesn’t admit to its existence.

sembling:  Do it again and you’re resembling.

the queen’s publicists chose annie leibovitz to shoot the queen because they wanted to:  Get Chuck up on the throne before he becomes senile.

klipspringer thermometers:  A more salable name than “dik-dik.”

“paypal cash plus”:  Based on the primitive advertising notion that everyone’s favorite word is “cash.”

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Strange search-engine queries (688)

If you’re new around here, this happens most every Monday morning: we peek at the search strings that led people to this site, and to the extent possible, we make fun of them. Sometimes it works, too.

tulsa world dave simpson:  The dean of Oklahoma editorial cartoonists, sacked when one of his drawings looked too much like somebody else’s.

faker news:  The next step beyond mere fake news.

put a gallon in me allen:  Shoot the juice to me, Bruce.

a surplus store gives a scratch-off ticket to 2000 customers as they leave with their groceries:  Of course, since it was a surplus store, all the tickets had been scratched off already.

“unroll.me”:  The mating call of the wild crescent roll.

mature sluts wearing ankle bracelets:  Jewelry, not tracking devices.

invisible woman data:  Index of refraction: ~0.

lonely stoner frees his mind at night:  And waits for the jailer to free his ass in the morning.

shaft meaning:  If you’d ever gotten it, you’d know.

pepto bismol flavored candy:  By weight, more expensive than actual Pepto-Bismol.

loose mama with truly mind-blowing enormous melons:  Minds are more easily blown than they used to be.

lewd ascii:  In those days, the only pornography you could download.

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Strange search-engine queries (687)

Time once again for another dip into the Big Box O’ Search Strings and see if we can find anything amusing therein. Really. No fooling.

Daisy and Violet Hilton, unloved:  And undeservedly so.

which of the real world attempts at “invisibility” is most like lois doberman’s? why?  Any that work. (In the Charles Sheffield short story, Dr. D has a bodysuit which feeds the image behind her to in front of her.)

mazda 6 jatco transmission failsafe:  Which, one may expect, is more fail than safe.

meg and rachel each have bowling balls with the same mass. they both roll them as hard as they can and then measure the speed of the balls. meg’s ball and rachel’s ball were measured to have the exact same speed. what do you know about the forces applied by the girls?  Um, did they knock any pins down?

a songwriter gets paid monthly at a rate of $150:  Which, I need hardly point out, is not enough to live on.

the girl with something extra:  Of all the TV series since ever, this is the one whose title sounds most like a Tumblr blog.

milf bimbo tumblr:  Not a TV series. Yet.

“amifampridine”:  Bernie Sanders wants to know how come it costs so much.

kieranravib:  Were this a drug, Bernie Sanders would want to know how come it costs so much.

promulent:  This year’s Spring Fling at Springfield High School.

artisan dwarf cabbage:  Size not guaranteed.

“the hacker exert” techoffice or “hacker news” or hack or leaked or “hack google”:  Where have all the script kiddies gone, long time failing?

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Strange search-engine queries (686)

Oh, come now. Your bracket can’t possibly be any worse than mine. And besides, I have to get to work.

austin power dildo experience:  I saw them open for the Playboys of Edinburgh at SXSW.

nagelandsex:  Where exactly is this Nageland, anyway?

the dirty vicar sketch:  Yeah, and it was goddamn funny, too.

“in color where available”:  Our children will not be able to comprehend black and white.

cooties urban dictionary:  What color are cooties, anyway?

lysol douche snopes:  There are plenty of douches connected to Snopes, but I have no idea what disinfectant they might use.

eyes glued to the screen:  Try Visine.

room temperature co2 reduction to solid carbon species on liquid metals featuring atomically thin ceria interfaces:  Hey, they’ll take anything if you call it “CO2 reduction.”

kirsten vangsness size:  She’s cuddly.

ford probe problems:  As if calling it “Probe” wasn’t bad enough.

judge jeanine cleavage:  Maybe, if Fox News decides to bring her back.

dustbury what does it do:  It’s brought you this for thirteen years, you farking ingrate.

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Strange search-engine queries (685)

By now you should be well past the most alarming aspect of green beer, and it’s time for us — for me, anyway — to get back to work.

27 track mind:  But only an 8-track player.

michelle left dirty dishes in the sink for a couple of days. when her roommate tania saw this, she:  Hurled them at the lazy bum with great vigor.

vintage diane webber:  In an era when vintage clothing is all the rage, it’s worth remembering someone who never wore any of it.

people who hate reality shows are really just old, humorless sourpusses. what propaganda technique does the writer employ in this statement?  The same ones used on most reality shows.

bewbage:  You’ll know it when you see it.

soggy cardboard rule 34:  Wouldn’t you rather see some nice bewbage?

supercar blondie cameltoe:  Drive young, stay pretty.

written update handkerchief:  Hey, I was out of paper, okay?

weingeld:  Pay it, and you’ll never get rid of the Wein.

celty sturluson:  She’s kind and loving, but she will never go down on you.

dating limbo:  Like dating hell, except with slower feedback.

prior incantato:  A spell which rewinds to the beginning of the previous song.

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Strange search-engine queries (684)

We had one hour less to collect data this week. Do keep that in mind, wouldja please?

my little pony my little pony friendship is magic pony wedding figure princess cadance:  Make sure you get the genuine Cadance, not the one that’s a giant bug in disguise.

gazeth:  Been there, done that, eyes glazeth over.

dusk rundle mall:  Got to be faster than Lotus Notes.

didn’t ed roberts own the rights to altair basic since it was developed on his dime?  This is 2019. You might as well ask for trilobite blueprints.

“sr22” -ruger -rifle -cirrus:  So, insurance then?

flying jizz:  Probably better than drizzling it, you know.

lewd ascii:  You should see what they’re doing with Unicode these days.

anime girl with invisible hands:  Who knew there was a manga, and a gender-swapped manga at that, about Adam Smith?

define hoplophobe:  Someone who believes that only government officials and criminals should possess firearms.

experimental monorail tracks bronx 1910:  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would not approve.

how to remove tinder shadowban:  I have no idea, but I assume it involves swiping.

are there ipads left in stock:  Probably. Can we interest you in a Microsoft Surface?

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Strange search-engine queries (683)

What are you looking for these days? I’m sort of hoping it’s not something like these.

use this article excerpt to answer questions 9–10. blair apologizes for katrina response britons who felt “deserted” by embassy staff during hurricane katrina received an apology from prime minister tony blair today. blair was reacting to complaints by survivors of katrina that the response to their situation had been painfully inadequate. blair apologized, but assured survivors of the hurricane that they had not been deserted. in fact, blair said, embassy staff had been working “day and night” in an attempt to reach britons trapped in a new orleans superdome stadium. which best states the purpose of this article excerpt? to inform readers about blair’s apology to persuade readers not to blame british diplomats to explain to readers why britons were “deserted” to convince readers to help british survivors:  What’s really strange is that all this boilerplate showed up twice.

lola astanova how tall:  About 1.24 Yuja Wangs.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  The main thing you have to remember is that you always have enough fuel to get to the crash site.

markie post meatloaf:  “I’ll bring the Worcestershire sauce,” said Dan Fielding.

shaft meaning:  Some people, not even Urban Dictionary can help.

assume every semester after finals you fly back to your hometown using a​ $300 ticket you buy online. you have​ 40,000 frequent flier miles. you could exchange your miles for a​ round-trip ticket to bermuda over spring break:  Under the New Green Deal, possession of frequent-flyer miles will be a misdemeanor.

earstrings:  Like heartstrings, though more susceptible to noise.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  The one who just stuffed a roll of twenties into his back pocket.

shuttlecraft for sale craigslist:  Ask for Dr. Zefram Cochrane.

little dweeb:  You don’t hear much from big dweebs these days.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best? julius caesar was born into a powerful family. he became a successful military general and politician, eventually becoming dictator of rome. he was assassinated in 44 bce. julius caesar came from humble beginnings. he worked his way up, becoming rome’s president. he was assassinated in 44 bce. julius caesar came from humble beginnings. he became a successful military general and politician, eventually becoming rome’s dictator. he died naturally in 44 bce. julius caesar was born into a powerful family. he worked his way up, becoming rome’s dictator. he died naturally in 44 bce:  You know, it’s pretty bad when you have to go Googling for multiple-choice questions.

mistletoe knickers:  Well, you have to hang it somewhere.

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Strange search-engine queries (682)

A lot of people show up on fora with a single thought on their minds: “How do I clear my search history?” Well, you can delete it from your computer, but you can’t touch it at this end no matter how many keystrokes you’re willing to expend.

scott pruitt tells sosu not to discuss tudor case:  Big shot tries to throw his weight around.

invisibility fiction stories “girl”:  Are you absolutely certain they’re fiction?

how to make invisibility potion 8 minutes:  Patience, little one. Take it off the boil too soon and it’s apt to leave some body parts behind.

it’s just another show:  But you’ll watch it anyway, just to kill time.

gangbung school girl:  This is not the past tense of “gangbang.”

russell westbrook memes:  And they all say “Why not?”

hobnailed jackboots:  Almost essential; a jackboot with delicate neutral-colored stitching, open at the toe, really isn’t ideal for face-stomping.

gfy meaning:  If you can figure out the F, the rest will come to you.

brianna wu dust:  And unto dust she shall return, eventually.

chesterton nissan:  Open only on Thursdays.

the duality of humor and aggression in leadership styles:  A really good way to demoralize the staff.

media baron rupert murdoch bought tv guide in 1988 because:  He wanted to see if there was anything good on Fox.

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Strange search-engine queries (681)

Forums are full of “How do I delete my browser history?” There are times when I think they should probably delete their search history as well. It won’t affect this feature, since the search strings are already recorded, but maybe it will calm down Mom when she sees what they’ve been up to.

government shutdown 2 elctric bogaloo:  Well, yeah, I said that, but I also spelled it correctly.

god burns down equestria for insurance money:  Are you in good hooves?

slowlyturningsissy:  It’s a standard model move, to give you a better look.

skivvies topeka:  Have you seen the weather report? Go put some more clothes on.

silly sod:  This is Major Tom to Ground Control. Isn’t someone supposed to be, um, controlling the ground?

softer worser slower weaker:  This is what you get when you play a Daft Punk record backwards.

farty tail rule 34:  Trust me, you don’t want to go there.

the carson family will purchase three used cars. there are two models of cars available, model a and model b, each of which is available in four colors: blue, black, red, and green. how many different combinations of three cars can the carsons select if all the cars are to be different colors?  You can tell these are used cars because new cars are always black, white or grey.

mayonnaise lice snopes:  You notice they never say anything about Miracle Whip, despite the fact that it tastes like Satan’s jizz.

mousley cereal:  I’ll have a bowl without so much rat in it.

bypass tumblr safe mode:  Hardly seems necessary, now that they’ve kicked out all the smutty pictures.

viagra spokesmodels:  If they’re cute enough, you won’t need Viagra,

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Strange search-engine queries (680)

Monday, Monday. So good to you, because you get to read another collection of slightly-off search strings that somehow pointed these poor folks to this very site. (Perhaps not so good to me, since I have to compile them.)

shoshanna and jackson work in the same company and have the same immediate supervisor:  And God forbid they should start dating. (Fishing off the company pier isn’t always wise.)

NO CANDY HEARTS:  Yes, Mom. Can I go outside?

ancient smut:  You know, that Hatshepsut had a nice rack.

nagelandsex:  That lets out Hatshepsut. She’s an Egyptian!

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts:  And that’s just the first eight bars.

nudist blog:  Be warned, this is not one of them.

@sentientjessica:  She’s kidding — I think.

ssl_error_bad_mac_read:  McDonald’s has yet to roll out the Bad Mac nationally. You waited for McRib, you’ll wait for this.

invisible girl movie:  Not seen yet.

google ad wrods:  Like “Ad Words,” but not constricted by such dubious qualities as “correct spelling.”

judge jeanine cleavage:  Never knew that was her last name.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store is given by the function f(x) = 3.55x – 4, where f(x) is the sales revenue in dollars and x is the number of customers visiting the store each day. if {17, 21, 24, 34} customers visited over four days, what is the income from bacon sales each day?  Greatly appreciated. Cherished, even.

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Strange search-engine queries (679)

What? Me, up late last night? I deny it.

Besides, now we have Monday upon us, and it’s time to poke around in the search strings.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly:  When she’s 13 years old, she’ll be doing things that make this look like child’s play.

12yo slut:  Doesn’t sound like the Felana I know.

pet sounds 1980 vinyl:  Which doesn’t sound like the 1966 vinyl or any of the CD reissues.

al gore keeping the dream alive:  God forbid he should have to give up his private jet.

kamala harris sexy:  Something no one ever said of Hillary.

im edgy:  You should probably get those edges filed down before you hurt yourself.

odkgzm9yzcbwcm9izsbsb2nrihvwihnvbgvub2lk:  Decrypt your own goddamn hash.

“worship services directory”:  Well, if you missed Sunday, you might as well do it now.

enter supervisor password or hit f11 key to proceed:  Yeah, yeah, we get it, press F11.

oogats:  Nougat made of antimatter. Careful with that Zagnut.

“sophia loren” sneezing dress:  That dress has moves all its own.

willie worker put in 42 hours last week at the widget factory. his base pay is $8.00 per hour, and he gets time-and-a-half for any hours beyond 40:  And Willie lives 60 miles from the widget factory, because for anything closer, the rent is too damn high.

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Strange search-engine queries (678)

It’s Monday, and that means another round of possibly goofy search strings that somehow lead here. Life is like that sometimes.

“the bustard is an unusual fowl” with hardly a reason to growl:  His feathers aren’t light, or especially tight, so he’s happy to land on a towel.

in praise of messy lives:  Always clean up after your bustard.

lori fullbright naked:  I don’t think Channel 6 would put her on under those conditions.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  Do not worry. You will always have enough fuel to get to the crash site.

magnifico giganticus:  A good friend of that eminent Roman, Biggus Dickus.

duck dildo:  New duet by Rick Dees and Drake.

judge jeanine cleavage:  Finally, a reason to watch Fox News.

evisceration plague tab:  First thing we noticed in Pharaoh’s browser history.

rocket propelled chainsaw:  He’s a lumberjack, and he’s okay.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:  Extracting dollars from visitors.

jailbait jerk off challenge:  “How do I make a video go viral?”

worst color ever:  Either baby-shit green or baby-shit yellow.

Comments (3)




Strange search-engine queries (677)

If you’re new to this — and how could you have missed it after twelve years and odd? — what we do here is examine the search strings that bring people to this site, and publish the sillier ones. It’s as much fun as you think, maybe even less.

mary’s parents bought her a used bicycle for her birthday. she was thrilled until she learned that her best friend received a brand new bicycle to celebrate ground hog day. mary’s declining satisfaction illustrates:  The perils of an envy-based economy.

upskirts vaccine:  They have shots for that now?

bimbo milf porn:  Maintenance drug for toxic masculinity.

hebephilia copypasta:  One eventually tires of bimbo milf porn.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has?  Never mind that. Where the hell can I get an account that pays 25 percent a year with a minimum deposit of $500?

glados fast gibberish slowed down:  Yeah, like slow gibberish is better.

morgan fairchild tits:  Last I heard, there were two.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  Hard to make a proper taco without them.

u ever think about how the year 3000 is literally 81 years away:  I think it’s horribly unfair that we skip over the year 2525 entirely.

transition klunker craigslist:  And you wanted to go car shopping there?

is yellowstone gonna blow:  Let’s hope it’s otherwise a slow news day.

doody calls:  At least they don’t call collect.

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Strange search-engine queries (676)

Oh, damn. Is it Monday again? I guess I’d better start thumbing through the search strings again.

ragdoll achievement-wal hry:  Indeed; but truly, what have you achieved?

sophia loren sneezing dress:  She always seems to pick the right outfit.

j has an accidental death and dismemberment policy with a principal sum of $50,000. while trimming the hedges, j cuts off one of his fingers. what is the maximum j will receive from his policy?  Zero, because he’s now unable to fill out all the forms.

damn birds:  Someone who hasn’t seen Bird Box yet, I suspect.

you take a ring and then another ring and then another ring and then you’ve got three rings ballantine:  A lot of trouble to go to for a beer.

wrapped xerox yourself:  Same to you, pal.

we have been authorized by the governing body of the united nations (u.n) to compensate people which their profile are selected as one of the united nations models beneficiary:  So that murderous coup in [redacted] worked out for you, then.

adolescent naturists:  Should be encouraged, because otherwise they spend too much on clothes.

lara and her friends visit a new restaurant in town called betelgeuse. they just happen to notice it while on a long drive. lara and her friends like the ambience, décor, as well as the food. lara is surprised when she finds out that the restaurant has been open for two years and neither her friends nor she knew of it until that day. at which of the following aspects of marketing has betelgeuse failed?  Too short a name. It should have been “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.” Instant name recognition.

if a blighted urban neighborhood were to suddenly develop an assortment of upscale restaurants:  The long-time residents would resent the increased traffic.

female newsanchor who asked bob the weatherman where the eight inches were that he promised her:  Obviously a snow job.

wiener and still champion:  Probably not Bob the weatherman.

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Strange search-engine queries (675)

The holidays are behind me. And in front of me? A whole stack of search strings. Here we go again.

STILL SO UNUSUAL:  After 600-plus versions of this, it’s hardly unusual at all.

Lively spirited:  Blake, maybe, but not me.

what happens when you call 1800 mixalot?  I have no clue, and I cannot lie.

toads are annoying:  Well, you can’t have them toad away.

crap 70’s music:  That would hurt, I would think.

kathie lee gifford whale tail:  I probably missed that particular Today Show.

meredith vieira no underclothes wearing pantyhose:  I probably missed that particular Today Show.

refill hp 56 cartridge and half of the fonts problems:  Will get worse because you used that cheap ink.

girls giving enemas to boyfriends:  How would you gift-wrap that, exactly?

cool nightwear:  Nothing cooler than nothing at all.

sluts who wear ankle bracelets:  Is that all they’re wearing?

ignorant about beer:  Decades of 3.2 will do that to you.

Comments (4)




Strange search-engine queries (674)

If you’ve managed to miss this feature for the last twelve years or so, this is what’s going down: there being several million words on this site, it’s difficult to not land here with a search string, though Google, for instance, will only give you 1000 results, if that, and most people give up long before a thousand. Each week we look at what’s being searched for, and hope we have enough amusing items to fill the page.

Fkth sex:  Not tonight, honey. Maybe by the fkth of the month.

vent about incompetence:  Yeah, I’ve been known to do that.

where are climate controlled seat filters located in the engine:  Wouldn’t it make more sense to have them located in the seat?

quote of the week:  Most weeks we have one, yes.

potato chips sold by weight:  Their weight, not yours.

uncurable weirdest disease:  Cancer of the thumb, maybe?

“sacred seventeen”:  You’ll spend the whole year waiting to turn 18.

search love farted in pantyhose during sex last night:  Um, why were these tights still on?

nancy pelosi in low cut dress:  Better her than Paul Ryan, I suppose.

satanic vehicles:  This pickup truck is capable of 666 lb/ft of torque.

i want to become afree hypnotized crossdresser:  Wasn’t likely anyone would pay you for it.

“goes without underwear”:  Some crossdresser you are.

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Strange search-engine queries (673)

‘Twas the day before Christmas, because that’s the thing.
But there’s no one on Yahoo, nobody on Bing;
The absence of Googlers, the records doth show,
And we never get anything from DuckDuckGo.

heirarchy of knees:  In general, Zooey Deschanel > Jennifer Aniston.

does porn make you stupid:  Consider the possibility that you were stupid to begin with.

causes of action real estate drug house:  Try to avoid whispering the phrase “meth lab.”

jesus poor always capitalist:  Render unto Sears the things that are Sears’.

“we built this city on basketball”:  Gotta be Oakland, at least until the Chase Center opens up across the Bay.

ugly wheels worst:  The total of the diameter of your “rims” and the length of your penis can never exceed 24.

angela merkel in bikini kurfurstendamm:  In the land where FKK culture arose, not even the Bundeskanzler need wear a swimsuit.

34dd chest:  Definitely not the Bundeskanzler.

maxim the hottest girls from australia turkey and new jersey:  Well, East Coast girls are hip; I really dig those styles they wear.

new jersey turnpike in the wee wee hours:  I’ve driven the Turnpike, and believe me, you don’t dare stop to wee wee.

standard per diem rates for touring musicians:  Not much, but more than you’ll make from streaming.

bad fitting suit:  Right this way, Mr. President.

Comments (2)




Strange search-engine queries (672)

A week before Christmas Eve, and my halls remain undecked. The search strings, as always, come first, and if that causes you grief, well, go fa-la-la-la-la yourself.

hummers needed:  Also some motor vehicles.

charles osgood song for nancy wilson:  Well, that was quick. Try here.

how should i thank the guy i like:  You have plenty of time to plan before the 14th of March.

cinemax drugs:  Surely by now they’ve been taken over by Rite-Aid or CVS.

flagged pharmacy dothan al:  Surely by now they’ve been taken over by Rite-Aid or CVS.

enema red bulb naked ass:  Geez, and I thought I was picky.

a girl that turn to liquid on nickelodeon 1993:  This was The Secret World of Alex Mack, starring Larisa Oleynik as that cute yet brilliant puddle. Oh, and it was 1994.

is gail richards related to reed richards:  I don’t think so: she was dating Steve Rogers before he got his Captain America badge, and you know they’d have referenced that in an early FF.

federal bureau of imagination:  Robert Mueller’s dream job.

reflux capacitor:  A nuclear-powered treatment for acid indigestion, invented in 2105.

ann coulter what size shoes:  Size 10. Are you buying?

not that i could:  But you still ought to try,

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Strange search-engine queries (671)

Hey, kids, what time is it?

Yeah, you’re right. It’s too damn early in the morning. But we gotta get these search strings out.

Gasa pebkac loan:  You can borrow money for that these days?

it’s not like you can’t find it online:  Although some of you manifestly can’t.

does the chevrolet impala still have a 3000.00 cash incentive:  I can hardly remember a time when it didn’t.

yaks tibet catskill game farm ny:  Where they’re no doubt yakking it up.

results of fake smile project:  A five-year renewal for Fox & Friends.

fallible memory:  I have one of those. Or do I?

sharedintense porn:  None of that relaxing solo stuff.

supermodel diet plan:  Eat anything you want until you reach 100 calories. Then stop until the next day.

lost bet “you’re naked”:  I did indeed lose a bet of that sort. With the expected results, of course.

cute lil booger:  Well, not while it’s just hanging there.

pub anglaise pour vaseline petroleum jelly london transport museum:  Your cab driver will know how to get you there.

why twitter anyways?  Damned if I know.

Comments (1)




Strange search-engine queries (670)

Yahoo! Answers is replete with people who want to cover their tracks. One or two of them might even have wound up here, looking for God knows what. (And God knows, even if your mom doesn’t. Yet.)

nazi schmatzi:  Don’t be stupid, be a smarty.

hitler’s valet what he saw of hitler’s enemas & farts:  Don’t be gaseous, don’t be farty.

white balance tools:  All in all, it’s just a section of wall.

sarcastic wit vs clown wit:  The clowns wear bigger shoes.

there doesn’t seem to be anyone around 70:  Obviously you’ve never been to my workplace.

there’s a spammer on your aim:  Better than a zombie on your lawn.

fake amazon email referencing cancelled order:  If you know it’s fake, why even read it?

why vanquis denied transaction online:  I have no idea. Have you been credited for that fake Amazon cancellation?

smuggling in malaysia penal code:  Depends on what’s being smuggled. Used to be, they’d execute you for drug trafficking.

females getting groped:  Not by you, we hope.

what is it called when you peel off the white stuff off a orange:  Time to wash your hands.

“pictures to help you masturbate”:  Well, there’s always Rule 5. And be sure to wash your hands.

Comments (9)




Strange search-engine queries (669)

Put the gravy boat back in the china cabinet and listen up: these are actual search strings that somehow lead to this very site, much to the discomfiture (I suspect) of the searchers.

monday morning feels so bad:  Tell me about it. I’ve had more than nine years of Mondays.

invisable typing:  Let’s hope you can do it by touch, because it’s tricky when you can’t see your fingers.

lesbian shoppic:  They have as much right as anyone else.

crossdressers getting enemas:  They have as much right as anyone else, though I definitely don’t want to watch.

what does tyra banks do about her flat feet?  I’m pretty sure she can afford arch supports.

sin taxes fail:  Well, there are a lot of sinners.

results of fake smile project:  We learned that we can be passive and aggressive.

yogurt interior bankrupt:  I saw them opening for Queens of the Stone Age in Cleveland last year.

compilation of strange penises:  If you ask me, they’re all pretty strange.

“put your penis inside a woman”:  Maybe not, if it’s strange.

chemical formula for beets:  88 percent water, 10 percent carbohydrates, and 2 percent urine dye.

badass bible tattoos:  Ask for the Nebuchadnezzar package.

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