Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (681)

Forums are full of “How do I delete my browser history?” There are times when I think they should probably delete their search history as well. It won’t affect this feature, since the search strings are already recorded, but maybe it will calm down Mom when she sees what they’ve been up to.

government shutdown 2 elctric bogaloo:  Well, yeah, I said that, but I also spelled it correctly.

god burns down equestria for insurance money:  Are you in good hooves?

slowlyturningsissy:  It’s a standard model move, to give you a better look.

skivvies topeka:  Have you seen the weather report? Go put some more clothes on.

silly sod:  This is Major Tom to Ground Control. Isn’t someone supposed to be, um, controlling the ground?

softer worser slower weaker:  This is what you get when you play a Daft Punk record backwards.

farty tail rule 34:  Trust me, you don’t want to go there.

the carson family will purchase three used cars. there are two models of cars available, model a and model b, each of which is available in four colors: blue, black, red, and green. how many different combinations of three cars can the carsons select if all the cars are to be different colors?  You can tell these are used cars because new cars are always black, white or grey.

mayonnaise lice snopes:  You notice they never say anything about Miracle Whip, despite the fact that it tastes like Satan’s jizz.

mousley cereal:  I’ll have a bowl without so much rat in it.

bypass tumblr safe mode:  Hardly seems necessary, now that they’ve kicked out all the smutty pictures.

viagra spokesmodels:  If they’re cute enough, you won’t need Viagra,

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Strange search-engine queries (680)

Monday, Monday. So good to you, because you get to read another collection of slightly-off search strings that somehow pointed these poor folks to this very site. (Perhaps not so good to me, since I have to compile them.)

shoshanna and jackson work in the same company and have the same immediate supervisor:  And God forbid they should start dating. (Fishing off the company pier isn’t always wise.)

NO CANDY HEARTS:  Yes, Mom. Can I go outside?

ancient smut:  You know, that Hatshepsut had a nice rack.

nagelandsex:  That lets out Hatshepsut. She’s an Egyptian!

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts:  And that’s just the first eight bars.

nudist blog:  Be warned, this is not one of them.

@sentientjessica:  She’s kidding — I think.

ssl_error_bad_mac_read:  McDonald’s has yet to roll out the Bad Mac nationally. You waited for McRib, you’ll wait for this.

invisible girl movie:  Not seen yet.

google ad wrods:  Like “Ad Words,” but not constricted by such dubious qualities as “correct spelling.”

judge jeanine cleavage:  Never knew that was her last name.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store is given by the function f(x) = 3.55x – 4, where f(x) is the sales revenue in dollars and x is the number of customers visiting the store each day. if {17, 21, 24, 34} customers visited over four days, what is the income from bacon sales each day?  Greatly appreciated. Cherished, even.

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Strange search-engine queries (679)

What? Me, up late last night? I deny it.

Besides, now we have Monday upon us, and it’s time to poke around in the search strings.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly:  When she’s 13 years old, she’ll be doing things that make this look like child’s play.

12yo slut:  Doesn’t sound like the Felana I know.

pet sounds 1980 vinyl:  Which doesn’t sound like the 1966 vinyl or any of the CD reissues.

al gore keeping the dream alive:  God forbid he should have to give up his private jet.

kamala harris sexy:  Something no one ever said of Hillary.

im edgy:  You should probably get those edges filed down before you hurt yourself.

odkgzm9yzcbwcm9izsbsb2nrihvwihnvbgvub2lk:  Decrypt your own goddamn hash.

shuttlecraft for sale craigslist:  This is no less dangerous than hiring a pilot at Mos Eisley.

enter supervisor password or hit f11 key to proceed:  Yeah, yeah, we get it, press F11.

oogats:  Nougat made of antimatter. Careful with that Zagnut.

“sophia loren” sneezing dress:  That dress has moves all its own.

willie worker put in 42 hours last week at the widget factory. his base pay is $8.00 per hour, and he gets time-and-a-half for any hours beyond 40:  And Willie lives 60 miles from the widget factory, because for anything closer, the rent is too damn high.

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Strange search-engine queries (678)

It’s Monday, and that means another round of possibly goofy search strings that somehow lead here. Life is like that sometimes.

“the bustard is an unusual fowl” with hardly a reason to growl:  His feathers aren’t light, or especially tight, so he’s happy to land on a towel.

in praise of messy lives:  Always clean up after your bustard.

lori fullbright naked:  I don’t think Channel 6 would put her on under those conditions.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  Do not worry. You will always have enough fuel to get to the crash site.

magnifico giganticus:  A good friend of that eminent Roman, Biggus Dickus.

duck dildo:  New duet by Rick Dees and Drake.

judge jeanine cleavage:  Finally, a reason to watch Fox News.

evisceration plague tab:  First thing we noticed in Pharaoh’s browser history.

rocket propelled chainsaw:  He’s a lumberjack, and he’s okay.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:  Extracting dollars from visitors.

jailbait jerk off challenge:  “How do I make a video go viral?”

worst color ever:  Either baby-shit green or baby-shit yellow.

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Strange search-engine queries (677)

If you’re new to this — and how could you have missed it after twelve years and odd? — what we do here is examine the search strings that bring people to this site, and publish the sillier ones. It’s as much fun as you think, maybe even less.

mary’s parents bought her a used bicycle for her birthday. she was thrilled until she learned that her best friend received a brand new bicycle to celebrate ground hog day. mary’s declining satisfaction illustrates:  The perils of an envy-based economy.

upskirts vaccine:  They have shots for that now?

bimbo milf porn:  Maintenance drug for toxic masculinity.

hebephilia copypasta:  One eventually tires of bimbo milf porn.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has?  Never mind that. Where the hell can I get an account that pays 25 percent a year with a minimum deposit of $500?

glados fast gibberish slowed down:  Yeah, like slow gibberish is better.

morgan fairchild tits:  Last I heard, there were two.

if the purpose of this paragraph is to persuade readers to eat tortillas:  Hard to make a proper taco without them.

u ever think about how the year 3000 is literally 81 years away:  I think it’s horribly unfair that we skip over the year 2525 entirely.

transition klunker craigslist:  And you wanted to go car shopping there?

is yellowstone gonna blow:  Let’s hope it’s otherwise a slow news day.

doody calls:  At least they don’t call collect.

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Strange search-engine queries (676)

Oh, damn. Is it Monday again? I guess I’d better start thumbing through the search strings again.

ragdoll achievement-wal hry:  Indeed; but truly, what have you achieved?

sophia loren sneezing dress:  She always seems to pick the right outfit.

j has an accidental death and dismemberment policy with a principal sum of $50,000. while trimming the hedges, j cuts off one of his fingers. what is the maximum j will receive from his policy?  Zero, because he’s now unable to fill out all the forms.

damn birds:  Someone who hasn’t seen Bird Box yet, I suspect.

you take a ring and then another ring and then another ring and then you’ve got three rings ballantine:  A lot of trouble to go to for a beer.

wrapped xerox yourself:  Same to you, pal.

we have been authorized by the governing body of the united nations (u.n) to compensate people which their profile are selected as one of the united nations models beneficiary:  So that murderous coup in [redacted] worked out for you, then.

adolescent naturists:  Should be encouraged, because otherwise they spend too much on clothes.

lara and her friends visit a new restaurant in town called betelgeuse. they just happen to notice it while on a long drive. lara and her friends like the ambience, décor, as well as the food. lara is surprised when she finds out that the restaurant has been open for two years and neither her friends nor she knew of it until that day. at which of the following aspects of marketing has betelgeuse failed?  Too short a name. It should have been “Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.” Instant name recognition.

if a blighted urban neighborhood were to suddenly develop an assortment of upscale restaurants:  The long-time residents would resent the increased traffic.

female newsanchor who asked bob the weatherman where the eight inches were that he promised her:  Obviously a snow job.

wiener and still champion:  Probably not Bob the weatherman.

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Strange search-engine queries (675)

The holidays are behind me. And in front of me? A whole stack of search strings. Here we go again.

STILL SO UNUSUAL:  After 600-plus versions of this, it’s hardly unusual at all.

Lively spirited:  Blake, maybe, but not me.

what happens when you call 1800 mixalot?  I have no clue, and I cannot lie.

toads are annoying:  Well, you can’t have them toad away.

crap 70’s music:  That would hurt, I would think.

kathie lee gifford whale tail:  I probably missed that particular Today Show.

meredith vieira no underclothes wearing pantyhose:  I probably missed that particular Today Show.

refill hp 56 cartridge and half of the fonts problems:  Will get worse because you used that cheap ink.

girls giving enemas to boyfriends:  How would you gift-wrap that, exactly?

cool nightwear:  Nothing cooler than nothing at all.

sluts who wear ankle bracelets:  Is that all they’re wearing?

ignorant about beer:  Decades of 3.2 will do that to you.

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Strange search-engine queries (674)

If you’ve managed to miss this feature for the last twelve years or so, this is what’s going down: there being several million words on this site, it’s difficult to not land here with a search string, though Google, for instance, will only give you 1000 results, if that, and most people give up long before a thousand. Each week we look at what’s being searched for, and hope we have enough amusing items to fill the page.

Fkth sex:  Not tonight, honey. Maybe by the fkth of the month.

vent about incompetence:  Yeah, I’ve been known to do that.

where are climate controlled seat filters located in the engine:  Wouldn’t it make more sense to have them located in the seat?

quote of the week:  Most weeks we have one, yes.

potato chips sold by weight:  Their weight, not yours.

uncurable weirdest disease:  Cancer of the thumb, maybe?

“sacred seventeen”:  You’ll spend the whole year waiting to turn 18.

search love farted in pantyhose during sex last night:  Um, why were these tights still on?

nancy pelosi in low cut dress:  Better her than Paul Ryan, I suppose.

satanic vehicles:  This pickup truck is capable of 666 lb/ft of torque.

i want to become afree hypnotized crossdresser:  Wasn’t likely anyone would pay you for it.

“goes without underwear”:  Some crossdresser you are.

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Strange search-engine queries (673)

‘Twas the day before Christmas, because that’s the thing.
But there’s no one on Yahoo, nobody on Bing;
The absence of Googlers, the records doth show,
And we never get anything from DuckDuckGo.

heirarchy of knees:  In general, Zooey Deschanel > Jennifer Aniston.

does porn make you stupid:  Consider the possibility that you were stupid to begin with.

causes of action real estate drug house:  Try to avoid whispering the phrase “meth lab.”

jesus poor always capitalist:  Render unto Sears the things that are Sears’.

“we built this city on basketball”:  Gotta be Oakland, at least until the Chase Center opens up across the Bay.

ugly wheels worst:  The total of the diameter of your “rims” and the length of your penis can never exceed 24.

angela merkel in bikini kurfurstendamm:  In the land where FKK culture arose, not even the Bundeskanzler need wear a swimsuit.

34dd chest:  Definitely not the Bundeskanzler.

maxim the hottest girls from australia turkey and new jersey:  Well, East Coast girls are hip; I really dig those styles they wear.

new jersey turnpike in the wee wee hours:  I’ve driven the Turnpike, and believe me, you don’t dare stop to wee wee.

standard per diem rates for touring musicians:  Not much, but more than you’ll make from streaming.

bad fitting suit:  Right this way, Mr. President.

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Strange search-engine queries (672)

A week before Christmas Eve, and my halls remain undecked. The search strings, as always, come first, and if that causes you grief, well, go fa-la-la-la-la yourself.

hummers needed:  Also some motor vehicles.

charles osgood song for nancy wilson:  Well, that was quick. Try here.

how should i thank the guy i like:  You have plenty of time to plan before the 14th of March.

cinemax drugs:  Surely by now they’ve been taken over by Rite-Aid or CVS.

flagged pharmacy dothan al:  Surely by now they’ve been taken over by Rite-Aid or CVS.

enema red bulb naked ass:  Geez, and I thought I was picky.

a girl that turn to liquid on nickelodeon 1993:  This was The Secret World of Alex Mack, starring Larisa Oleynik as that cute yet brilliant puddle. Oh, and it was 1994.

is gail richards related to reed richards:  I don’t think so: she was dating Steve Rogers before he got his Captain America badge, and you know they’d have referenced that in an early FF.

federal bureau of imagination:  Robert Mueller’s dream job.

reflux capacitor:  A nuclear-powered treatment for acid indigestion, invented in 2105.

ann coulter what size shoes:  Size 10. Are you buying?

not that i could:  But you still ought to try,

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Strange search-engine queries (671)

Hey, kids, what time is it?

Yeah, you’re right. It’s too damn early in the morning. But we gotta get these search strings out.

Gasa pebkac loan:  You can borrow money for that these days?

it’s not like you can’t find it online:  Although some of you manifestly can’t.

does the chevrolet impala still have a 3000.00 cash incentive:  I can hardly remember a time when it didn’t.

yaks tibet catskill game farm ny:  Where they’re no doubt yakking it up.

results of fake smile project:  A five-year renewal for Fox & Friends.

fallible memory:  I have one of those. Or do I?

sharedintense porn:  None of that relaxing solo stuff.

supermodel diet plan:  Eat anything you want until you reach 100 calories. Then stop until the next day.

lost bet “you’re naked”:  I did indeed lose a bet of that sort. With the expected results, of course.

cute lil booger:  Well, not while it’s just hanging there.

pub anglaise pour vaseline petroleum jelly london transport museum:  Your cab driver will know how to get you there.

why twitter anyways?  Damned if I know.

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Strange search-engine queries (670)

Yahoo! Answers is replete with people who want to cover their tracks. One or two of them might even have wound up here, looking for God knows what. (And God knows, even if your mom doesn’t. Yet.)

nazi schmatzi:  Don’t be stupid, be a smarty.

hitler’s valet what he saw of hitler’s enemas & farts:  Don’t be gaseous, don’t be farty.

white balance tools:  All in all, it’s just a section of wall.

sarcastic wit vs clown wit:  The clowns wear bigger shoes.

there doesn’t seem to be anyone around 70:  Obviously you’ve never been to my workplace.

there’s a spammer on your aim:  Better than a zombie on your lawn.

fake amazon email referencing cancelled order:  If you know it’s fake, why even read it?

why vanquis denied transaction online:  I have no idea. Have you been credited for that fake Amazon cancellation?

smuggling in malaysia penal code:  Depends on what’s being smuggled. Used to be, they’d execute you for drug trafficking.

females getting groped:  Not by you, we hope.

what is it called when you peel off the white stuff off a orange:  Time to wash your hands.

“pictures to help you masturbate”:  Well, there’s always Rule 5. And be sure to wash your hands.

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Strange search-engine queries (669)

Put the gravy boat back in the china cabinet and listen up: these are actual search strings that somehow lead to this very site, much to the discomfiture (I suspect) of the searchers.

monday morning feels so bad:  Tell me about it. I’ve had more than nine years of Mondays.

invisable typing:  Let’s hope you can do it by touch, because it’s tricky when you can’t see your fingers.

lesbian shoppic:  They have as much right as anyone else.

crossdressers getting enemas:  They have as much right as anyone else, though I definitely don’t want to watch.

what does tyra banks do about her flat feet?  I’m pretty sure she can afford arch supports.

sin taxes fail:  Well, there are a lot of sinners.

results of fake smile project:  We learned that we can be passive and aggressive.

yogurt interior bankrupt:  I saw them opening for Queens of the Stone Age in Cleveland last year.

compilation of strange penises:  If you ask me, they’re all pretty strange.

“put your penis inside a woman”:  Maybe not, if it’s strange.

chemical formula for beets:  88 percent water, 10 percent carbohydrates, and 2 percent urine dye.

badass bible tattoos:  Ask for the Nebuchadnezzar package.

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Strange search-engine queries (668)

What would Monday be if it weren’t for search strings? (Don’t answer that. I don’t even want to think about Mondays.)

pictures of Lily of at&t:  Sick of having sleepless nights, are you?

someone sent an online drug scam from my email account:  There are now more online drug scams than there are actual drug users.

reek squad:  They run decontamination on really stinky stuff.

meredith vieira enemas:  She hasn’t an enema in the world, though that’s purely suppository on my part.

subtle-t:  Ice-T’s introverted brother.

what can fix transmission 3-4 shift problems:  A large check given to a mechanic.

i want to webcam chat with naked grownups:  Until you actually see some, anyway.

confused two girls:  I think it might be even more than two.

man with hand on womans ass pewter ashtray:  There are at least two groups who will be angered at the very sight of this.

need more orcs:  Now that’s a scary prospect.

a symptom of abstinence (often involuntary) found in males who have been devoid of sexual intimacy for an interim of 6 months or more:  A RooshV bookmark.

barbie can’t do math:  But she can afford to hire someone who can.

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Strange search-engine queries (667)

And here we are, about two-thirds of the way to a thousand of these. (“These,” if you’re new here, are samplings of the search strings that point to this site, as they appeared in the system logs.)

win nicer:  The single most-ignored piece of political campaign advice.

what people like about winter:  If it’s cold enough, insect pests are killed. That’s it for me.

John Barleycorn and the temptations of Eve:  You might want to pass up that glass of apple cider.

ambien sex:  But you won’t remember it in the morning.

bimmers doing it sex positions:  In the car? You got any Ambien?

space utlization car:  Probably not much room for sex.

amazon fire invalid item drm:  Hell, even the valid items have DRM these days.

totally enclosed slut:  Burqa required.

young slut burka:  We’re talking total enclosure here.

i have official licensed products of the nhl 1976 dairyqueen sunday puck cups and decals:  I hope you weren’t planning on retiring on that.

stupid minds think alike:  Actually, you’d be amazed at the sheer variety of stupid.

moira etchells swansea crown court:  A perfectly reasonable woman, so long as she’s not actually naked.

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Strange search-engine queries (666)

One thing we know: they’re not getting any less strange as the years go by.

What is the name of the Betazoid female midlife cycle that quadruples sex drive:  Trust me, Chuckie, it’s not gonna work on your girlfriend from Jersey City.

eccentric rich:  If they’re not rich, they’re considered weirdos instead.

time compressed movies:  This is the secret behind the new service, “Netflix and Freeze.”

application “who has seen your profile?” is unavailable:  Just as well, since those things never actually work.

i loved them all:  Except, of course, the ones who were stalking your profile.

i put a new transmission speed sensor on my contour but check engine light did not come off:  Another member of the I’ll Do Anything To Avoid Paying For A Diagnostic Club.

such a card:  Probably a joker.

poochy belly fetish:  “Pillsbury Doughboy, to the white courtesy phone, please.”

romance novels with female scientists:  By Chapter Seven, he needs to realize that she’s smarter than he is.

i’m reputedly intelligent: Of course you are. But that won’t win her heart, or even talk her out of her lab coat.

science brochures about titanium and or zinc:  Yeah. Read sone of those. Maybe she’ll be impressed.

forecast chili:  Chance of beans, 50 percent.

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Strange search-engine queries (665)

Yes, this again. So long as people search for their hopes and dreams, there’s all the justification we need to continue.

this post title became obsolete:  The hell you say.

yur.gps112.net software:  Is this really any of yur business?

what he wound up with was shall we say not entirely dreamy-looking:  Not all of us have the option of being picky

he still doesn’t have time to go rifling through your data:  Hey, it’s not your fault you’re not dreamy-looking.

Site Meter:  I used to pay them to keep track of this stuff, and then suddenly they forgot how, or something.

this brand of denial:  Comes with a $20 rebate.

sex tube 5033 open toe heels with back seam pantyhose:  As fetishes go, this seems awfully, um, specific.

female clothing optional birthdays:  Doesn’t have to be her birthday for her to wear her birthday suit.

women don’t buy enough blue shoes:  Though they go well with birthday suits.

this works for me:  Yeah, I thought it might.

a babelicious drug lord:  Diversity in all things, lad.

hysterectomy sling anal sex:  Okay, maybe not all things.

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Strange search-engine queries (664)

“I have one last request,” said the dying man.

“What’s that?”

“Delete my browser history,” he gasped, and the curtain fell.

Probably wasn’t the person looking for these, but you know, you never know.

snuggie evolution:  Far as I know, they’ve never made it out of Version 1.0.

grand am drivers seat bolster turn knob:  See your nearest salvage yard. Or wear a Snuggie in the car.

“nancy pelosi” laugh “wav file”:  Just in time for Halloween.

“you take a ring and then another ring”:  And if they still won’t open the door, play a .wav file of Nancy Pelosi laughing.

being a hick:  Greatest fear of any coastal Democrat.

do ford mondeo transmission have seals?find free cvv for mastercard and with the sum of $3000:  Take a guess. You have one chance in a thousand.

why emails deleted before read:  You’re very fortunate. Most of us have to delete it manually.

flakiest sign of the zodiac:  Doughboy, the Biscuit.

bail check bounced:  Well, we know where you’re gonna be for the next several weeks.

naturist activists ontario:  You’d better hurry. It’s almost November.

in other news ice is cold:  So is Ontario in the winter.

solar system tattoo:  An excellent idea. Where should we put Uranus?

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Strange search-engine queries (663)

What does it mean if your search string appears here? Not so much, really; it means only that we saw it, and thought it was a tad less dull than the usual stuff we get around here.

what to do while waiting for 911 ambulance:  Try not to bleed?

“the runaway american dream”:  Being able to afford an ambulance when you need one.

louie louie first dance wedding song:  Makes a lot more sense than, say, “Every Breath You Take.”

google page ranks defunct:  Yeah, that’s what they said at Bing.

what snakes live in drains:  The ones that cost $300 to remove.

stupid minds think alike:  Not so. Some of them don’t think at all.

nytimes recent paper back book reviews &emdash; one on lonely women being less choosey as they age:  As long as they’re sanitary.

“plumper wearing black opaque tights”:  Not that men are all that picky.

origin of polish jokes:  Hint: it wasn’t Latvia.

what people like about winter:  It usually goes away in about 90 days.

totally enclosed slut:  I think they charge extra for that.

ambien sex:  If God is merciful, you won’t remember a thing.

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Strange search-engine queries (662)

A lot of people aren’t even aware that this site, very nearly as old as the World Wide Web itself, even exists. Then they punch up a search string, read down the results, and suddenly, there we are. Multiply by a dozen or so, and you have this Monday-morning feature.

what people like about winter:  I’m guessing “ice on the roads” doesn’t make the list.

chemistry sorghum syrup:  Two parts sugar, one part some other sugar.

interlock selonoid 1994 mazda 626:  Um, “solenoid.” The Selenoids were assimilated by the Borg around star date 23963.4.

intellectual flexibility:  Once a desirable characteristic, now spurned in favor of superficial diversity.

life imitates me:  Lucky you. It mostly irritates me.

oldsmobile bravada heat sometimes work sometimes no:  It’s October. Let’s hope it works for now.

gay sex with old men scholl sandals:  As fetishes go, this one seems a bit more specific than usual.

every thing about cancer:  Pretty much sucks.

i want to move my cadillac cts drivers seat further back:  Either this guy plays for the NBA, or he’s the worst slouch you’ve ever seen.

well endowed nudist:  Inherited a lot of money, did he?

ging gang bung:  Sequel to the Five Keys’ “Ling Ting Tong.”

how to get rid of negative search engine queries under you name:  Try not being a dick.

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Strange search-engine queries (661)

And what did you search for today? Was it something like this? Because people are searching for something like this, and the system logs have a tendency to give them away.

my little pony friendship is magic pony wedding figure princess cadance:  Now do you want the real Princess Cadance, or the fake who’s actually Queen Chrysalis of the changelings?

1971 song cant find the time:  Sorry, I can’t go looking that up just now.

what are the difficulties in internet?  Knowing that someday it will all be Facebook.

candid jailbait spy:  Oh, yeah, and people like this.

consciously or unconsciously he has been caught up by the zeitgeist and with his black brothers of africa and his brown and yellow brothers of asia south america and the caribbean the united states negro is moving with:  Truth be told, I quit reading after “zeitgeist,” but I figure anyone still talking “negro” is way behind the times.

stacy sanches beats up julie cialini:  It’s not like Playmates of the Year to take punches at one another.

abortion please forgive us jennifer durocher:  Somehow I don’t think that’s Ms Durocher’s department.

“”love in every room” mauriat download mp3 free -torrent”:  “I want to steal this song, but I’m picky about how I steal it.”

bimmers doing it sex positions:  This is worse than that kid up the street trying to drift that 318i.

rapesymbolism in harry potter:  Now you know how Ron got so Weasley.

totally enclosed slut:  Sounds like one of those Ron Weasley spells.

rather have a virus than use norton:  Yeah, that’s what John McAfee said.

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Strange search-engine queries (660)

On the off-chance that you haven’t seen this feature before, it’s rather easily explained: people look for stuff on the Web, and should they wind up here, this is the sort of stuff they’re looking for.

in this clip, we see 3-week-old colin trying to hold his head up. if he is like most babies, he will:  Fall right over, and you’ll never make a dime from YouTube.

virgin socially inept:  Well, it’s not unheard of, exactly.

facelift for a ranch style home:  You don’t want it the color of ranch style dressing. Trust me on this.

coweta ga home for sale repairable:  You can paint right over that ranch-dressing look.

“”nancy pelosi” laugh “wav file””:  Get her to contemplate some of the House Republicans. She’ll laugh for days.

“airwaves “7-11″ wad gum chewed”:  You chew enough of it and yes, you do wind up with a wad.

naked flower review:  Got some nice pistils over there.

uncopiable cd rom:  Hang on, I’ve got a copy right here.

where to buy the fertilizer rock dust in the state of mississippi?  Try your nearest feed store.

buy vibrator for her hattiesburg ms:  Don’t try your local feed store.

hef sleeps:  He had to eventually.

men dating intellectual women:  It’s a swell idea — except for Hef. Put him right to sleep, she did.

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Strange search-engine queries (659)

This concept is pretty easy to grasp: several hundred people arrive here each week as a result of something they found while doing a Web search, and a handful of them are reprinted here so you can see how weird they are. No more to it than that.

meredith vieira wearing bakini  “Bakini”? Is this something you’d wear to host a cooking show?

what is a short pier?:  The smallest member of a pier group; you may be invited to take a long walk thereupon.

writers bump relief:  This used to be an annual event, held for the benefit of scribes who’d been run over by a bus. The event was discontinued after some suspicious folk discovered that they were actually being thrown under the bus.

wooing a female audience:  Women are fantastically loyal. Just not to you.

bullet bras:  Very effective if you select the correct caliber.

witnesses see naked women in freudenstadt:  I think we may safely presume they aren’t wearing bullet bras.

what are the difficulties in internet?  Many users at once wanting to see naked women in Freudenstadt.

“sex tube 5” open-toe heels with back seam pantyhose:  On the other hand, it pays to be selective.

“plumper wearing black opaque tights”:  Up to a point, anyway.

mississippi state police amc javelin:  I knew they’d had budget cuts, but I didn’t think they were that bad.

peta exa zetta yotta hella:  This is going to play hell with all the people who still can’t figure out “mega” and “giga.”

she-male comic:  Um, no. She’s trans. And if you don’t like it you can suck her dick.

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Strange search-engine queries (658)

This weekly feature is based on a simple premise: there are people sitting in front of their computers looking for stuff, and sometimes that stuff is kind of weird.

does porn make you stupid:  No, but it assumes you probably are.

what rhymes with gosh:  All sorts of bosh.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly:  It would be many years before she would become a Senator.

the elder statesman hats:  Surprisingly, they don’t look like anyone’s genitalia.

lucerne driver’s seat molding cracked:  All we know from this is that somewhere there’s a Buick owner with a fat ass.

“oklahoma journal” newspaper 1992 july 10th:  Good luck with that. The Journal closed down in 1980.

we be looky to buy home in alexandria in egypt:  Good luck with that. What was left of the library closed down in 391.

dakota fanning’s panty and bra pics:  Yeah, it wouldn’t be Monday without someone looking for some rude celebrity pictures.

how do movie stunt cars burn rubber:  They use trained professionals, the sort that, well, aren’t you.

200 lb leopard vs 120 lb wrestler:  The wrestler gets his face eaten.

macho grande:  I would have thought you’d have gotten over that by now.

i think you need a beer:  I think you may be right.

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Strange search-engine queries (657)

This is Labor Day in the States, nominally a holiday; for some of us, of course, the labor never quite seems to end. Here’s what we’re finding among the search strings:

grand am drivers seat bolster turn knob:  Sheared it right off, did you?

explicit photos of 1940’s movie stars:  In the 1940s, a glimpse of bare knee might have been considered “explicit.”

it was sorta cold:  It has only just begun to warm up in San Francisco.

reality defined as oppositions between earth and heaven the natural and the supernatural:  Try this one: reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. (Philip K. Dick)

you think therefore i am:  Ya think?

beautiful wodget will not load skins on my eris:  And what does Eris think of this?

underwear waifs:  Size 4 at most, I imagine.

uncopiable cd rom:  I remember those. Still have copies of some of them.

what is 3.25 percent of $25000 for excise tax:  Don’t they teach math in this state anymore? $812.50.

facelift for a ranch style home:  Well, anything but ranch dressing.

“where’s the steel guitar”:  Just bought a Taylor Swift album, did you?

middle aged men expect bikini wax:  They also expect women in their early twenties. As if.

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Strange search-engine queries (656)

If you’re like me — and why should you be? — you spend a fair amount of time looking up stuff. Some folks look up stuff that seems to make no sense, and logically, that brings them here, where sense is at a premium. Once in a while, we take a look at what they were hoping to find.

xxxxx.e roman numeral:  I understood that right until you got to that stray E.

stupid minds think alike:  Which wouldn’t be a problem if there weren’t so damn many of them.

she is made to feel unwanted within them and throughout the novel:  Heck, you can find that in memoirs these days.

plus size nudes:  There is a demand; be assured that there is a supply.

dakota fanning’s panty and bra pics:  On the other hand, she is neither plus size nor nude.

this letter is from world fund discovery management and payment bureau inaugurated by the world financial service authority united states of america / united kingdom:  Gee, and I was hoping to hear from those nice folks in Nigeria.

why hr manager fail to pay attention:  Oh, she’s paying attention, all right. Just not to what you think she is.

ten years of junk:  What I had on this site, twelve years ago.

adolescent naturists:  Wait a while. Most of them haven’t worked up the nerve to break it to their families just yet.

if i had to pay $65.82 and tax was 6% how much would i have to pay:  If you have to ask, you have no recourse if they tell you it’s $150.

punished butts & bulb enema:  When the fluid is warm, you must whip it.

i think you need a beer:  I think you may be right.

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Strange search-engine queries (655)

By now, we’re past the dog days of summer, but some of us, remembering the terriers of our youth, keep on digging for the few, the funny, the least-explicable search terms that bring people to this site, or at least to within sight of this site.

Cody buys a soda that offers another soda free if he is lucky. The cap reads ‘1 in 6 wins!’, meaning:  When he doesn’t win, he buys a whole six-pack.

buy toyota save japan:  What happens if we buy Fiat Chrysler?

gougery sung:  This is the division of Samsung that sets prices on cell phones.

abcd goldfish:  Prototype for One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

how to have a polite political discussion:  Set your time machine for A.D. 1817.

how to drive a automatic 3 stroke:  Three-stroke? And I thought rotary engines were weird.

taylor yogurt machine rebuild:  Soft-serve is so hard to clean up after.

how to bury bad press:  Contrive to have something worse happen.

the path of least assistance:  Proposed standard for smaller government, assuming there were such a thing as smaller government.

slut asked for it:  Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, pal.

no pleasure in life living with an incurable disease xanax overdose:  Dial 1-800-273-8255.

Who said, “I couldn’t possibly fail to disagree with you less”?  I did. See? It’s right there on the sidebar.

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Strange search-engine queries (654)

What we do here, in case you hadn’t noticed, is to look through the hundreds of search strings that lead to this very site, and hope some of them are amusing enough to reprint here on Mondays.

Tom Servo, remind you to bite me:  You know, you really should just relax.

where is cougar solenoid sensor:  It’s in the cerebral cortex. Do you expect to meet any cougars?

breast types pictures cup sizes clothed unclothed:  Well, at least you’re not picky.

margaret trudeau no panties:  Unlike, for instance, this guy.

cheap diet shoes:  Do they have to be gluten-free?

outfits with orange shoes:  Probably not cheap. Or low-calorie, either.

hot nightwear:  If it’s really that hot, you might as well take it off.

“like to pee standing”:  You might not want to do that in hot nightwear.

“what the font”:  Perhaps you’re getting an Arial view.

variable attitude submersible hydrofoil china:  And meanwhile, we worry about plastic straws.

snow is a four letter word:  Yeah. So was “July.”

what the fuck is steve’s problem:  Perhaps you should ask Garfunkel and Oates.

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Strange search-engine queries (653)

Search-engine use makes up a substantial part of my personal computing, and probably of yours as well. All queries are essentially equal, according to the servers, which do not pass judgment on such things. However, some of them are weirder than others, as a quick look through some of the search strings that land here will quickly demonstrate.

hry auta gorf tuning 4:  Well, yeah, if you say so.

eternal servererrors:  500 for all eternity.

do liberals have more abortions than conservatives?  Maybe. Conservatives, however, are less likely to brag about it.

message in a pothole:  And that message is: quit awarding pavement contracts to the lowest bidder all the time.

kendall was always a little freaky:  You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.

alpharetta conspiracies strange locations:  As though Alpharetta itself wasn’t strange enough.

the bad news birds:  Is this a Hitchcock prequel?

“frog ecosystem” delaware buy:  It’s a simple system: you get toad away, and you get fined.

dilatancy genitals sex movie:  Don’t most sex movies involve some sort of genitals?

is it bad to puke green with white dots in it:  Even without white dots in it.

everything causes cancer:  Well, yeah, but not everything makes you puke green with white dots in it.

what the fuck is a grape nut:  (1) It’s not a grape; (2) it’s not a nut.

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Strange search-engine queries (652)

How this works:

  • You type a search string into your browser, which duly sends it to the search engine.
  • The search engine returns several URLs, one of which is on this very site.
  • Hilarity ensues.

We hope so, anyway.

the original rapacious videos 905:  I never knew there were more than ten of them.

naturists Calgary meetup nudist:  They might even have a site for this by the time summer is over.

sporks illustrated:  The premiere magazine of dinnerware.

suppose that someone stole your atm card and withdrew $1125 from your checking account:  Rather a lot of us are laughing at the thought that we might have $1125 in checking.

america’s hottest secretary:  Let’s not make any more work for her than we have to.

gorgeous librarians:  They might make more as secretaries, but they love what they do.

brian hyland she wears short shorts:  Or, more often, a bikini, smallish, with polka dots.

southern women passing the vapor:  Of course, they’ll be too polite to pass them to you.

how does a manual transmission act when it runs out of fluid:  The gears start to grind, and then they don’t move anymore.

crossdresser glute pads:  My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

silly memes:  Aren’t they all kind of silly?

yogurt tapeworms:  Not recommended as a dietary aid.

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