Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (663)

What does it mean if your search string appears here? Not so much, really; it means only that we saw it, and thought it was a tad less dull than the usual stuff we get around here.

what to do while waiting for 911 ambulance:  Try not to bleed?

“the runaway american dream”:  Being able to afford an ambulance when you need one.

louie louie first dance wedding song:  Makes a lot more sense than, say, “Every Breath You Take.”

google page ranks defunct:  Yeah, that’s what they said at Bing.

what snakes live in drains:  The ones that cost $300 to remove.

stupid minds think alike:  Not so. Some of them don’t think at all.

nytimes recent paper back book reviews &emdash; one on lonely women being less choosey as they age:  As long as they’re sanitary.

“plumper wearing black opaque tights”:  Not that men are all that picky.

origin of polish jokes:  Hint: it wasn’t Latvia.

what people like about winter:  It usually goes away in about 90 days.

totally enclosed slut:  I think they charge extra for that.

ambien sex:  If God is merciful, you won’t remember a thing.

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Strange search-engine queries (662)

A lot of people aren’t even aware that this site, very nearly as old as the World Wide Web itself, even exists. Then they punch up a search string, read down the results, and suddenly, there we are. Multiply by a dozen or so, and you have this Monday-morning feature.

what people like about winter:  I’m guessing “ice on the roads” doesn’t make the list.

chemistry sorghum syrup:  Two parts sugar, one part some other sugar.

interlock selonoid 1994 mazda 626:  Um, “solenoid.” The Selenoids were assimilated by the Borg around star date 23963.4.

intellectual flexibility:  Once a desirable characteristic, now spurned in favor of superficial diversity.

life imitates me:  Lucky you. It mostly irritates me.

oldsmobile bravada heat sometimes work sometimes no:  It’s October. Let’s hope it works for now.

gay sex with old men scholl sandals:  As fetishes go, this one seems a bit more specific than usual.

every thing about cancer:  Pretty much sucks.

i want to move my cadillac cts drivers seat further back:  Either this guy plays for the NBA, or he’s the worst slouch you’ve ever seen.

well endowed nudist:  Inherited a lot of money, did he?

ging gang bung:  Sequel to the Five Keys’ “Ling Ting Tong.”

how to get rid of negative search engine queries under you name:  Try not being a dick.

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Strange search-engine queries (661)

And what did you search for today? Was it something like this? Because people are searching for something like this, and the system logs have a tendency to give them away.

my little pony friendship is magic pony wedding figure princess cadance:  Now do you want the real Princess Cadance, or the fake who’s actually Queen Chrysalis of the changelings?

1971 song cant find the time:  Sorry, I can’t go looking that up just now.

what are the difficulties in internet?  Knowing that someday it will all be Facebook.

candid jailbait spy:  Oh, yeah, and people like this.

consciously or unconsciously he has been caught up by the zeitgeist and with his black brothers of africa and his brown and yellow brothers of asia south america and the caribbean the united states negro is moving with:  Truth be told, I quit reading after “zeitgeist,” but I figure anyone still talking “negro” is way behind the times.

stacy sanches beats up julie cialini:  It’s not like Playmates of the Year to take punches at one another.

abortion please forgive us jennifer durocher:  Somehow I don’t think that’s Ms Durocher’s department.

“”love in every room” mauriat download mp3 free -torrent”:  “I want to steal this song, but I’m picky about how I steal it.”

bimmers doing it sex positions:  This is worse than that kid up the street trying to drift that 318i.

rapesymbolism in harry potter:  Now you know how Ron got so Weasley.

totally enclosed slut:  Sounds like one of those Ron Weasley spells.

rather have a virus than use norton:  Yeah, that’s what John McAfee said.

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Strange search-engine queries (660)

On the off-chance that you haven’t seen this feature before, it’s rather easily explained: people look for stuff on the Web, and should they wind up here, this is the sort of stuff they’re looking for.

in this clip, we see 3-week-old colin trying to hold his head up. if he is like most babies, he will:  Fall right over, and you’ll never make a dime from YouTube.

virgin socially inept:  Well, it’s not unheard of, exactly.

facelift for a ranch style home:  You don’t want it the color of ranch style dressing. Trust me on this.

coweta ga home for sale repairable:  You can paint right over that ranch-dressing look.

“”nancy pelosi” laugh “wav file””:  Get her to contemplate some of the House Republicans. She’ll laugh for days.

“airwaves “7-11″ wad gum chewed”:  You chew enough of it and yes, you do wind up with a wad.

naked flower review:  Got some nice pistils over there.

uncopiable cd rom:  Hang on, I’ve got a copy right here.

where to buy the fertilizer rock dust in the state of mississippi?  Try your nearest feed store.

buy vibrator for her hattiesburg ms:  Don’t try your local feed store.

hef sleeps:  He had to eventually.

men dating intellectual women:  It’s a swell idea — except for Hef. Put him right to sleep, she did.

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Strange search-engine queries (659)

This concept is pretty easy to grasp: several hundred people arrive here each week as a result of something they found while doing a Web search, and a handful of them are reprinted here so you can see how weird they are. No more to it than that.

meredith vieira wearing bakini  “Bakini”? Is this something you’d wear to host a cooking show?

what is a short pier?:  The smallest member of a pier group; you may be invited to take a long walk thereupon.

writers bump relief:  This used to be an annual event, held for the benefit of scribes who’d been run over by a bus. The event was discontinued after some suspicious folk discovered that they were actually being thrown under the bus.

wooing a female audience:  Women are fantastically loyal. Just not to you.

bullet bras:  Very effective if you select the correct caliber.

witnesses see naked women in freudenstadt:  I think we may safely presume they aren’t wearing bullet bras.

what are the difficulties in internet?  Many users at once wanting to see naked women in Freudenstadt.

“sex tube 5” open-toe heels with back seam pantyhose:  On the other hand, it pays to be selective.

“plumper wearing black opaque tights”:  Up to a point, anyway.

mississippi state police amc javelin:  I knew they’d had budget cuts, but I didn’t think they were that bad.

peta exa zetta yotta hella:  This is going to play hell with all the people who still can’t figure out “mega” and “giga.”

she-male comic:  Um, no. She’s trans. And if you don’t like it you can suck her dick.

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Strange search-engine queries (658)

This weekly feature is based on a simple premise: there are people sitting in front of their computers looking for stuff, and sometimes that stuff is kind of weird.

does porn make you stupid:  No, but it assumes you probably are.

what rhymes with gosh:  All sorts of bosh.

in this clip, we see 13-month-old felana trying to climb up the wrong end of a slide repeatedly:  It would be many years before she would become a Senator.

the elder statesman hats:  Surprisingly, they don’t look like anyone’s genitalia.

lucerne driver’s seat molding cracked:  All we know from this is that somewhere there’s a Buick owner with a fat ass.

“oklahoma journal” newspaper 1992 july 10th:  Good luck with that. The Journal closed down in 1980.

we be looky to buy home in alexandria in egypt:  Good luck with that. What was left of the library closed down in 391.

dakota fanning’s panty and bra pics:  Yeah, it wouldn’t be Monday without someone looking for some rude celebrity pictures.

how do movie stunt cars burn rubber:  They use trained professionals, the sort that, well, aren’t you.

200 lb leopard vs 120 lb wrestler:  The wrestler gets his face eaten.

macho grande:  I would have thought you’d have gotten over that by now.

i think you need a beer:  I think you may be right.

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Strange search-engine queries (657)

This is Labor Day in the States, nominally a holiday; for some of us, of course, the labor never quite seems to end. Here’s what we’re finding among the search strings:

grand am drivers seat bolster turn knob:  Sheared it right off, did you?

explicit photos of 1940’s movie stars:  In the 1940s, a glimpse of bare knee might have been considered “explicit.”

it was sorta cold:  It has only just begun to warm up in San Francisco.

reality defined as oppositions between earth and heaven the natural and the supernatural:  Try this one: reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. (Philip K. Dick)

you think therefore i am:  Ya think?

beautiful wodget will not load skins on my eris:  And what does Eris think of this?

underwear waifs:  Size 4 at most, I imagine.

uncopiable cd rom:  I remember those. Still have copies of some of them.

what is 3.25 percent of $25000 for excise tax:  Don’t they teach math in this state anymore? $812.50.

facelift for a ranch style home:  Well, anything but ranch dressing.

“where’s the steel guitar”:  Just bought a Taylor Swift album, did you?

middle aged men expect bikini wax:  They also expect women in their early twenties. As if.

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Strange search-engine queries (656)

If you’re like me — and why should you be? — you spend a fair amount of time looking up stuff. Some folks look up stuff that seems to make no sense, and logically, that brings them here, where sense is at a premium. Once in a while, we take a look at what they were hoping to find.

xxxxx.e roman numeral:  I understood that right until you got to that stray E.

stupid minds think alike:  Which wouldn’t be a problem if there weren’t so damn many of them.

she is made to feel unwanted within them and throughout the novel:  Heck, you can find that in memoirs these days.

plus size nudes:  There is a demand; be assured that there is a supply.

dakota fanning’s panty and bra pics:  On the other hand, she is neither plus size nor nude.

this letter is from world fund discovery management and payment bureau inaugurated by the world financial service authority united states of america / united kingdom:  Gee, and I was hoping to hear from those nice folks in Nigeria.

why hr manager fail to pay attention:  Oh, she’s paying attention, all right. Just not to what you think she is.

ten years of junk:  What I had on this site, twelve years ago.

adolescent naturists:  Wait a while. Most of them haven’t worked up the nerve to break it to their families just yet.

if i had to pay $65.82 and tax was 6% how much would i have to pay:  If you have to ask, you have no recourse if they tell you it’s $150.

punished butts & bulb enema:  When the fluid is warm, you must whip it.

i think you need a beer:  I think you may be right.

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Strange search-engine queries (655)

By now, we’re past the dog days of summer, but some of us, remembering the terriers of our youth, keep on digging for the few, the funny, the least-explicable search terms that bring people to this site, or at least to within sight of this site.

Cody buys a soda that offers another soda free if he is lucky. The cap reads ‘1 in 6 wins!’, meaning:  When he doesn’t win, he buys a whole six-pack.

buy toyota save japan:  What happens if we buy Fiat Chrysler?

gougery sung:  This is the division of Samsung that sets prices on cell phones.

abcd goldfish:  Prototype for One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

how to have a polite political discussion:  Set your time machine for A.D. 1817.

how to drive a automatic 3 stroke:  Three-stroke? And I thought rotary engines were weird.

taylor yogurt machine rebuild:  Soft-serve is so hard to clean up after.

how to bury bad press:  Contrive to have something worse happen.

the path of least assistance:  Proposed standard for smaller government, assuming there were such a thing as smaller government.

slut asked for it:  Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, pal.

no pleasure in life living with an incurable disease xanax overdose:  Dial 1-800-273-8255.

Who said, “I couldn’t possibly fail to disagree with you less”?  I did. See? It’s right there on the sidebar.

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Strange search-engine queries (654)

What we do here, in case you hadn’t noticed, is to look through the hundreds of search strings that lead to this very site, and hope some of them are amusing enough to reprint here on Mondays.

Tom Servo, remind you to bite me:  You know, you really should just relax.

where is cougar solenoid sensor:  It’s in the cerebral cortex. Do you expect to meet any cougars?

breast types pictures cup sizes clothed unclothed:  Well, at least you’re not picky.

margaret trudeau no panties:  Unlike, for instance, this guy.

cheap diet shoes:  Do they have to be gluten-free?

outfits with orange shoes:  Probably not cheap. Or low-calorie, either.

hot nightwear:  If it’s really that hot, you might as well take it off.

“like to pee standing”:  You might not want to do that in hot nightwear.

“what the font”:  Perhaps you’re getting an Arial view.

variable attitude submersible hydrofoil china:  And meanwhile, we worry about plastic straws.

snow is a four letter word:  Yeah. So was “July.”

what the fuck is steve’s problem:  Perhaps you should ask Garfunkel and Oates.

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Strange search-engine queries (653)

Search-engine use makes up a substantial part of my personal computing, and probably of yours as well. All queries are essentially equal, according to the servers, which do not pass judgment on such things. However, some of them are weirder than others, as a quick look through some of the search strings that land here will quickly demonstrate.

hry auta gorf tuning 4:  Well, yeah, if you say so.

eternal servererrors:  500 for all eternity.

do liberals have more abortions than conservatives?  Maybe. Conservatives, however, are less likely to brag about it.

message in a pothole:  And that message is: quit awarding pavement contracts to the lowest bidder all the time.

kendall was always a little freaky:  You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.

alpharetta conspiracies strange locations:  As though Alpharetta itself wasn’t strange enough.

the bad news birds:  Is this a Hitchcock prequel?

“frog ecosystem” delaware buy:  It’s a simple system: you get toad away, and you get fined.

dilatancy genitals sex movie:  Don’t most sex movies involve some sort of genitals?

is it bad to puke green with white dots in it:  Even without white dots in it.

everything causes cancer:  Well, yeah, but not everything makes you puke green with white dots in it.

what the fuck is a grape nut:  (1) It’s not a grape; (2) it’s not a nut.

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Strange search-engine queries (652)

How this works:

  • You type a search string into your browser, which duly sends it to the search engine.
  • The search engine returns several URLs, one of which is on this very site.
  • Hilarity ensues.

We hope so, anyway.

the original rapacious videos 905:  I never knew there were more than ten of them.

naturists Calgary meetup nudist:  They might even have a site for this by the time summer is over.

sporks illustrated:  The premiere magazine of dinnerware.

suppose that someone stole your atm card and withdrew $1125 from your checking account:  Rather a lot of us are laughing at the thought that we might have $1125 in checking.

america’s hottest secretary:  Let’s not make any more work for her than we have to.

gorgeous librarians:  They might make more as secretaries, but they love what they do.

brian hyland she wears short shorts:  Or, more often, a bikini, smallish, with polka dots.

southern women passing the vapor:  Of course, they’ll be too polite to pass them to you.

how does a manual transmission act when it runs out of fluid:  The gears start to grind, and then they don’t move anymore.

crossdresser glute pads:  My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

silly memes:  Aren’t they all kind of silly?

yogurt tapeworms:  Not recommended as a dietary aid.

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Strange search-engine queries (651)

Did you ever walk past the library computers? Of course you have. Did someone try awfully hard to keep you from seeing what was on screen? If so, we’re trying to find out what that someone was looking for.

hysteric preservation:  This is how that bowling alley managed to get federal funds.

mazda 626 history best selling car:  Should have been, maybe, but never was.

www.rich sexywomes in kenya:  So rich, so sexy, they cause you to type like a blind orangutan.

been meaning to phone ya minnesota:  Just couldn’t get Wisconsin off the party line.

book the road twice taken:  Makes no difference to me, though Mr. Frost might have something to say about it.

mergers don’t always lead to cultural clashes case study boa and mbna:  True. Both of them were united in their desire to stick it to you.

places to live for single boomer artist:  The Millennials can let you camp out in their garage for $2200 a month.

you’re doing it wrong font:  The answer is always Comic Sans.

the women you’d most like to see nude:  Long list, no prospects.

twit_dollars  Scrip used to pay @jack what he’s worth.

eye bleach fail:  Aw, Perseus. We told you not to look directly at her.

i knew you were going to say that:  Guess what? So did I.

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Strange search-engine queries (650)

Do people become crazy from the heat? You can’t really tell from the search strings; if anything, you’re likely to conclude that they’re crazy all year, irrespective of temperature.

liam payne chenine lozano midnight memories def leppard copyright infringement:  Why do I get the feeling I’ve heard this before?

google ad wrods:  Be careful not to misspell any of those wrods.

margaret trudeau no panties:  That was years ago, and so far as I know it had nothing to do with son Justin.

rule34 nancy pelosi:  Please don’t go there.

the penis clone replica will be incredibly detailed all tiny lines and bumps:  And you waste all that technology fantasizing about Nancy Pelosi.

black bikinis on lads and cars pics:  Most of the lads I know do the one-piece thing almost exclusively.

bad glasses prescription affect short term memory:  What was that … that thing I just saw?

fourteen year old nudist girl:  I knew one once. You couldn’t have handled her.

its not the transmission:  Well, thank your lucky stars.

roche diagnostics getting rid of insulin pump business:  Considering how much they’re asking for insulin these days, it should be no surprise.

i’m not a criminal i bounced one check:  We’ll let the district attorney be the judge of that.

grendel opry:  Man, you should have heard Beowulf on the talking steel guitar.

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Strange search-engine queries (649)

What we have here, in case you hadn’t seen it before, is a sampling of search strings which eventually lead to this site, assuming the searcher dug down a bit but not a whole lot. (Normally, ten pages of results will be about as much as anyone is willing to persevere.)

As the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over:  where the heck they find words like “eleemosynary.”

james lileks lingerie:  Far as I know, he doesn’t wear such things.

lookin like a fool with your plants on the ground:  Sorry, can’t get ’em to grow in the air.

ford f250 buzzer goes off when you go faster than 76 mph:  It’s Ford’s way of telling you you’re entering the Five Miles Per Gallon Zone.

pantyhose heel dipping of asian stewartess:  No wonder you made such a fuss about getting an aisle seat.

2002 saab 9-3 problem oil light comes on after driving it for 10-20 miles is it sludge related?  Usually, if the oil light comes on, you have more immediate issues than mere sludge buildup.

archie veronica enema:  This is one of Reggie’s tricks, isn’t it?

“walks around the house naked”:  I can imagine Veronica doing that, though maybe not Betty.

niece/booth gunfight 1906 guymon okla:  What, did someone see her walking around the house naked?

borsalino hat california:  According to legend, someone got shot while wearing nothing but the hat.

when he thinks about you less:  I dunno. Have you tried walking around the house in just a hat?

“blue headstone”:  Figure on an extra $600 in the funeral bill.

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Strange search-engine queries (648)

Welcome to Monday, to July, and to the second half of the year. Please have exact change. Comimg up: a sampling of the search strings that somehow lead to this site if you drill far enough, and these people evidently did.

geez its warm:  Yeah, July is like that. (Not available in Australia.)

the worst snowstorm ever:  No, July is not like that. (Perhaps in Australia.)

little kid sextube:  Um, we don’t do that here. Kids have it hard enough without having to deal with pervs.

transmission problems with a 1989 Ford Probe:  Issues with a nearly-30-year-old car? Do tell.

wells fargo credit card and 651 fico score:  And that’s why you’re driving a nearly-30-year-old car.

“void is life”:  That’s what happens with a nearly-30-year-old car, especially during rush hour.

puke green:  Of all the colors of bodily functions, this was the one you’d see most often in 1970s kitchens.

like germans:  Doesn’t everybody like Germans? I mean, this isn’t 1944
anymore.

waxing less frontal nudity:  Actually, in my experience, frontal nudity encourages at least some people to wax more.

fowl mouths:  It’s those goddamn ducks again, isn’t it?

the biggest problem hipster girl is that you’re just too intimidating in your good taste and vaguely-counterculture-but-not-threateningly-eccentric hotness for me to:  Even get it up anymore.

taco bell hiring:  My favorite spot for meeting intimidating hipster girls.

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Strange search-engine queries (647)

On the off-chance that you’ve managed to avoid not seeing this feature, please be advised that it’s not particularly complicated: we look at search strings that point to this site, and we print the ones with the greatest (if any) comedic potential. Nothing special, really, but it seems to work.

“three armed man and three breasted woman”:  Together, an example of nature in balance.

hp “900 pages left”:  Figure at least three ink cartridges and one jam.

users have found ways to hack ink cartridges printers and the system registry to get rid of the time stamp software that forces them to buy new ink cartridges:  Don’t try this on an HP with a 900-page print job pending.

big cog small cog:  Like “good cop, bad cop,” except for robots.

“pantyhose for penis”:  Just don’t come running to me when you have to go to the bathroom.

i wrote haikus about cannibalism in your yearbook torrent:  You wrote all that stuff, the lines about roasting Gramps? You go straight to hell.

ponies drink:  Rainbow Dash has been known to hoist a cider or two.

washed my capital 1 credit card and now i can not read the cvv2 code on the back:  You’ll never make it in money laundering, kid.

i have seen you somewhere:  Nice to know I was somewhere at the time.

when to include the dollar sign:  When it makes no cents otherwise.

“conservatives rooms are tidy”:  Did you have a warrant to examine the premises?

why do we need rocks:  Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

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Strange search-engine queries (646)

Sometimes you hear from people who are desperate to have their browser history erased before Someone Sees. I’m not assuming that these are the same people whose search strings appear here, but you never know, right?

twelve year itch:  Like the seven-year itch, but its onset is later.

when are easter dresses out:  Late winter or early spring. Not June.

a puckish sense of humor:  Then again, some people are about as amusing as a hockey puck.

how to count in na’vi:  Ask James Cameron’s accountant.

morgan fairchild long red fingernails:  Fetishes are getting so specific these days.

elizabeth montgomery sitting at desk nude:  See what I mean?

heated and cooled seats quit working. won’t work on either driver’s or passanger’s seats for lincoln zephyr 2006:  “And I’ll do anything to avoid going to an actual Lincoln dealer.”

sanctuary tv show clara griffin makeup isn’t invisible:  Well, is yours?

why databases are not visible?  See Clara Griffin’s makeup tips.

“malted barley brain damage mercury “steel reserve””:  I have no idea what this is, but I bet drinking it plays hell with your coordination.

“””we are professional grade” lame slogan”:  Says the amateur critic.

lashes from a whip alternative to prison:  Won’t that damage your orange jumpsuit?

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Strange search-engine queries (645)

Once in a while, we like to kick off our shoes and put our feet up — believe me, it’s easier in that order — and take a peek at the logs, to see what in the world is bringing people to this site.

liam payne chenine lozano midnight memories def leppard copyright infringement:  You throw enough names in there and they’re bound to get you for something.

thanks to a successfulcrowd:  And to show you how successful, here’s a picture of the crowd after some minor Photoshop adjustments.

don’t give me no dirty look:  Because we’ll just erase it from the crowd photo.

textbooks suck:  Not to worry. At present funding levels we won’t be buying any for the next several years.

hobnailed jackboots:  You’ll notice they never wear jackpumps or jackwedges or jacksandals.

publicity plan for a yogurt business:  First, get rid of that godawful word “yogurt.” We suggest “biotic creme.”

how to do sil austin stutter tongue:  You’ll need to eat a lot of yogurt biotic creme.

2cv animated gifL  Which turns out to be faster than an actual 2CV.

maserati gran turismo installation dvd or satellite navigation:  $2750 at the dealership. Or you can just set your phone on the front seat.

why does 1500 silverado heater oscillate between hot and cold on driver side?  Who gives a flip? It’s June.

old farts age 50:  62 is the new 50.

appraisal of uneconomic remnant real estate parcels by a municipality in condemnation:  You’ll have to talk to those old farts at City Hall.

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Strange search-engine queries (644)

It’s summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime, and here we are again. (No one writes songs about very late spring, so let’s not get technical; even the National Weather Service considers summer to be the first of June through the last of August.) What we do here is pick out search strings that point to this place, and hope someone finds them amusing.

how to provoke discussion:  Say something — anything — on social media.

material safety data sheet cover girl natureluxe silk foundation:  I don’t think it’s safe to eat any of that stuff.

cromulent assessment:  It embiggens every year.

recently did engine overhaul on my mazda 626 but my gears wont shift:  Don’t take apart things you can’t put back together.

prayer is the best gift from god. no cost but lots of reward:  You might consider praying the next time you overhaul an engine,

worse spelling of erica:  Any such spelling containing a G or W.

mac itunes 11.1.4 audio stutters:  Oh, pish-tosh. Things like that just don’t happen on Macs.

idioms about unexpected future:  Not to worry. Things like that just don’t happen on Macs.

searching their bras:  They’re probably not going to outsource that to you.

forum winstar casino exhibitionist:&nbsp They weren’t exhibitionists. They were just searching their bras.

she made several messy television appearances in which she did not appear lucid:  Well, at least she wasn’t searching her bra.

post menopausal closet communist hag:  Yeah, but did she appear lucid on television?

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Strange search-engine queries (643)

While you enjoy your day off, remember those who gave their lives to make your day off possible. And then feel free to enjoy some of the search strings left behind by some of this site’s visitors.

mid year crisis:  Better now than in January, I guess.

wopking. ripres cavr.com:  At the very least, that doesn’t look like a proper URL.

www.14yr old pussypics:  At the very least, that doesn’t look like a proper anything.

content://downloads/big-slut-taking-big-stiff-cock-6-min.html?interstitial:  Now we’re about as far from “proper” as we can get.

bore and stroke 86 86:  Yeah, I remember ’86. I stroked, she was bored.

summary of if you ask me spellbound” by libby gelman-waxner in new york”:  A sub-thousand-word essay hardly needs a summary.

christy brinkley getting out of limo:  Obviously she has arrived.

angie dickinson million dollar legs:  She could afford a limo if she wanted one.

ain’t i a woman truth mentions slavery in the final sentence of robinson’s version of her speech:  She probably couldn’t afford a limo, but she deserved one.

ming na maxim:  I guess I missed that issue. Damn.

www porn romantick wife faqing front of hasban:  Oh, let’s not start that up again.

what happens when you bite your tongue and hold your breath:  You lose the election.

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Strange search-engine queries (642)

We’ve done this a few times before, so you should probably not be shocked that we’re doing it again. After all, people keep searching for stuff, and perhaps they always will.

1956 gum products adventure cards max Schilling #86:  I’d almost bet this was supposed to be Max Schmeling, heavyweight champion of the world in the early 1930s.

best psa:  I’ve had several PSAs, and didn’t like any of them.

new version of cars with gearbox that have l or 2 or 3:  Cars aren’t that simple anymore. Now you have 25 or 6 to 4.

p r n d s l meaning:  You were probably confused by 1 2 3.

yuja wang blue dress:  You should be so lucky.

clogs of war:  Generally don’t look good with a blue dress.

aldi dolley wheels:  And if they point the wrong way, you don’t get your quarter back.

cromulent assessment:  It had been embiggened 4.5 percent since the previous year.

you need your thumb to vacuum clean:  I thought I told you to have that damn switch fixed.

how to provoke discussion:  We wouldn’t be having this discussion if you’d gotten that damn switch fixed.

since i don’t have anyone in my life at this moment i got involved in a greenpeace project at the arctic circle:  Wouldn’t it have been easier just to get that damn switch fixed?

suppose you have drank some magic potion and become invisible for one day write instruction for making an antidote for this magic potion so that you can reverse the action and become visible within an hour:  How do I know you’re really invisible and not just involved in a Greenpeace project at the Arctic Circle?

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Strange search-engine queries (641)

You’ll be pleased to know that no one who showed up here in the logs yesterday was Googling (or worse, Binging) for “your mom.”

Okay, I didn’t check Baidu. I was busy, okay?

ls swap mazda 626 forum australia:  Just what you need in a smallish Japanese sedan: a small-block Chevy mill.

yellow dog design jelly beans step in harness:  Somehow I am made uneasy by the proximity of “yellow dog” and “step in.”

pertinent in legalese:  That’s the trouble with legalese: you can’t always tell what’s pertinent.

a scheer litho lovely playmate:  If the Playmate is wearing something, I hope it’s scheer.

faster then my balloot:  Is this a pumped-up Canuck?

gf-4eat 3-2 down shift solenoid function:  If you have to ask, it’s probably not functioning.

porno mamo klack alman:  Not the maker of Alman Joy.

viola davis bow legged:  Maybe so, but damn nice legs just the same.

goliath promotions lptv:  From before David rocked his world.

what does a transmission pump look like for a 96 ford contour:  Trust me, you don’t want to go poking around in there.

last supper parody:  Try this one: have it at Taco Bell.

dastbury:  How dast you spell it that way?

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Strange search-engine queries (640)

If perhaps you think you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. Herewith, yet another sampling of search strings that bring people to this very site.

starr faithfull nude porn:  And he didn’t even disguise it with a “Rule 34” designation. Impressive, in its own way.

archie bunker bronx cheer:  Archie lives in Queens, you meathead.

the legend band:  Not to be confused with The Band, who were a legend.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  The one with the strings attached.

thanks to a successful crowd:  I’m guessing they were either numerous or loud, or possibly both.

what size motor is in a ’98 mazda 626:  It’s about this big.

hott pechar holye whod:  Some dressing for that word salad, sir?

tell my regrandings:  Yeah, like you were so grand the first time.

banker ours:  And yet you still can’t qualify for a loan.

pat metheny warner brothers music show:  Well worth the price of a ticket, no matter who’s footing the bill.

vajankle order:  Um, I’ll have two vajankles, please.

what is the code written in the illuminatium testament page 57:  If we told you, we’d have to kill you.

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Strange search-engine queries (639)

For the past few Mondays — say, about twelve years’ worth — we’ve been doing this little exercise in curiosity, in which we poke around the logs to see what sort of things people search for on the Web that could land them on this particular site. We do this because — well, hell, what else is there to do on Monday?

invisible woman underwater:  So that’s what that giant bubble was.

And marching on,and marching on, the little we had, the:  More we wanted to say “Screw this” and go home.

“would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day”:  So far, this phrase has turned up 750 times in the log, and not once have we ever offered to send you a daily digest about new articles.

freak pipes 76107:  What would a freak smoke, anyway?

micah buys a used car for 10000:  And it was probably worth at least half that much.

a surplus store gives a scratch-off ticket to 2000 customers as they leave with their groceries. the average amount of their winnings will be:  Right around zero. And who buys groceries at a surplus store?

sideblinded:  What ought to be done to those damn rubberneckers out on the highway.

ryan opens a bank account with $50. each month he deposits an amount that doubles his savings. ryan gets $2 from the bank each month as an incentive for maintaining this savings pattern. which recursive function represents the amount in ryan’s account in any month?  And how many days before Ryan has every dollar on the face of the earth?

ryan destiny:  See above, assuming he follows that scheme.

symjepi:  Romulan for “Steve.”

trojan groove walmart:  I’m pretty sure they sell Trojans at Walmart, but I can’t vouch for their grooviness.

leggs everyday pantyhose:  Well, maybe not those days when it’s 103° in the shade.

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Strange search-engine queries (638)

Once again, it’s time to go wandering among the search strings and see what sort of madness hath driven thy brethren to the Google or the Bing or the Whatever to a page with this brand name thereupon. It happens more often than you think.

femmes chapeaus church:  At least they cover their heads, right?

upskirts vaccine:  Wrong kind of shot, Bucky.

Waiting For The Break Of Day:  I’m guessing it’s 25 to 4. Maybe 26. And what are you doing still up?

someone is wrong on the internet:  Be sure to alert the media.

sickness insurance:  Generally does not pay just because someone is wrong on the Internet.

coaxing pronunciation:  Some people can do amazing things with their mouths.

14.5 inch terror tv animatronics:  Barely a foot across? That’s not much terror.

which scenario best demonstrates the function of money as a measure of value:  How about getting a 52-inch Animatronic Terror TV?

fm receiver 7 little words:  Some people still listen to the radio.

conway twitty discography:  Trust me, it’s only make-believe.

stacy sarran porn:  You mean, like wrapped in Sarran wrap?

i was kaiser bill’s batman lyrics:  You might want to start with an easier song — say, Neal Nefti’s theme for the Sixties Batman series.

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Strange search-engine queries (637)

They keep telling me it’s been springtime for three weeks now, but you can’t prove it by the weather map. So I’m already plenty chilled, which should not stop me from poking around in the search strings one more time.

how do working in demio gear box:  And howdy right back atcha.

bayou boys gone wild:  Named him after a man of the cloth, called him Amos Moses.

buy liverwurst:  Over the Internet? Better pay extra for faster shipping.

slitherhub:  That new dating service for politicians.

zeroths law:  Formerly the Fourth Law, but moved up several spaces.

manchester evening news death announcements:  Well, that certainly cast a pall over the proceedings.

young jailbait selfie & webcam collection:  How old is old jailbait, anyway?

foolish rebecca black:  Aw, she’s not so dumb. Still can’t stand that “Saturday” song, though.

ashkenazi jewish iq:  Aw, they’re not so dumb. Still can’t stand that klezmer song, though.

1936 carlotta drive concord ca:  Not for sale. Then again, anything can happen in California.

pat boone discography:  Don’t have one handy. Isn’t that a shame?

rpm croquet mallets:  We pride ourselves on having mallets toward none.

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Strange search-engine queries (636)

What, is it Monday again? Well, in that case, we better get cracking on those search strings, before the readers become restless.

blue angel second album:  Hey, be grateful you could find a copy of their first album.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:    Fleecing tourists.

under until upskirts vacuum:  Okay, you got ’em in alphabetical order. Now what?

devon dietary disabled dispatch:  Same to you, pal.

gordon grams grave groove:  And also to you.

dated dealtime declare deficit:  What, are we having an upsurge of people who need to learn how to alphabetize?

sweet dixie kitchen yelp:  Aw, crap, someone poured sugar into the grits again.

sarah has just received her driver’s license:  Well, at least it won’t cost as much for insurance as it did for her brother Bob.

aanr bulletin:  Because you need pictures of naked people who aren’t movie stars.

farfetch discount code december 2014:  I’m pretty sure it’s expired by now.

lucky chevrolet mcgehee:  McGehee didn’t think it was so damn lucky.

what is wrong with frontier internet:  They caught you pirating and your download speed has been cut to 1 MB per week.

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Strange search-engine queries (635)

It’s awfully damned close to freezing for a spring day — a spring day that’s not in March, anyway — but we persist in the tepid pursuit of funny, or at least odd, search strings. Then again, we do this in the summer too.

torrentfreak munsters:  Downloadable cheese? Hey, why not?

vaya con queso:  That’s the message you get to tell you that your cheese has finished downloading.

vocals drums, vocals rich engineer:  Most bands only hope they can afford a rich engineer.

rule34 search engine:  If such a thing existed, people would forget about Google overnight.

sickness insurance:  You’ll need this if you spend too much time looking for Rule 34 stuff.

shoulda taken that left turn at albuquerque:  You shoulda thought of that before you got to Saskatoon.

worst keyboard ever:  The one used on Talk Like a Pirate Day, with only one key.

keaton music typewriter for sale:  Does it have at least two keys?

upscale pawn troy alabama:  The only truly Upscale Pawn is on Beverly Hills’ Skid Drive.

seismic dealer south fork co:  Do they carry Acme® Earthquake Pills?

flutes across the world:  And not a reed among them.

queen of waxing kudamm:  Not a title I’d particularly want to earn.

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Strange search-engine queries (634)

What, this again? Yes, this again. We’ve done this every Monday morning for several years now, and the premise remains the same: we look at the search terms that brought people to this site, and we hope they’re at least slightly amusing.

In 2004 Congress passed a corporate tax relief bill with 276 Provisions for tax breaks to groups:  276? Is that all? Who was taking the week off?

yandex.ru:  It’s Russian for “Bing.”

m.baidu.com:  It’s Chinese for “Bing.”

sitting on fence until butt hurt:  Judging by social media, it’s the people not sitting on the fence that feel most of the butthurt.

1987 mazda 626 how to check oil level in manual transmission:  What kind of jackhole keeps a car running for 30 years without once looking in the manual?

where is the vent connection on a cd4e transmission?  Where are you, and why aren’t you at a transmission shop?

civil engineering sign a contract to sell a capital for 900 and receive payment in 5 years time. if the machine cost 600 and the interest rate is 10 percent:  Just imagine how much it would be if they weren’t civil.

topttyenhamsoundmusic:  They don’t play it at your local space bar.

It Was SEX Favorite Bimbo Woman With Ample Boobs And Does Not Suit A Small System Delicate! Mommy:  There is, you know, such a thing as being too specfic.

loss leaders randy newman:  Who is this, a tall person?

bill gaines don martin mad facebook:  These days, everybody’s mad at that furshlugginer Facebook.

and marching on the little we had:  Well, it is March, for a few more days anyway.

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