Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (619)

Welcome to Monday. Please have exact change. And please feel free to slog through entirely too many wacko search strings that somehow register here.

So you want to be a literary critic:  Um, not really. I just want the phone number of one of those cute chick-lit writers.

Cantfindthetimebillboardhot100chart 1971:  Can’t find the space bar, either.

garrison keillor net worth:  About two-thirds what it was six months ago.

radioactive tender:  Even hotter than Popeye’s.

twought:  What they said in Elizabethan times, instead of “tweeted.”

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  No reference to Brazil? Shame on you.

junk bonds lawyer:  Coming this fall to The CW.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best:  “All I get is a frigging salad?”

“this question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions” digital marketing manager job:  Isn’t the first duty of the digital marketing manager to make sure that spam gets submitted?

tvtime direct mosquito repelling keychain:  Also keeps away digital marketing managers.

gfy meaning impractical jokers:  I hate to tell you jokers this, but that’s not what GFY means.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (618)

Oh, look. It’s Monday again. And that can mean only one of one thing: it’s time for another slog through the logs in search of possible punchlines.

[zoo] alice with horse – new star best vol. 1:  Purchaser is, we may safely assume, not hung like a horse.

fzq transmission:  I could have sworn I heard someone yelling that by the side of the road.

oxygen not included thimble reed:  Goodness, how will you breathe?

what is wrong with frontier internet:  Says the guy who’s never had Comcast.

logitech media server died. restarting:  They do that. Not much else you can do about it.

walmart nimmo parkway auto center:  Pep Boys too rich for your blood?

workout wrapped xerox yourself:  Remember, though: your clone sleeps alone.

cheap backlinks:  You want a spot on Google’s front page? Buy a damn ad, you pencil-necked geek.

sickness insurance:  This provides coverage for your reaction to your 2018 health-insurance bill.

generic preppies wipes 50 count large:  How, exactly, do you tell if a preppy is generic?

red lipstick meaning:  If you have to ask, perhaps you don’t need to know just yet.

göögle: Still draws more traffic than Biñg.

Comments (2)

You know, this just might work

Patrick adds a new recurring feature — at least, I hope it recurs — to The Lost Ogle:

30% of The Lost Ogle’s site traffic still comes directly from search engines. The rest comes from either direct traffic or social media. Depending on what’s going on each month, the terms are all over the map. The top search engine results are usually “The Lost Ogle,” “Lost Ogle” and “Emily Sutton Married.” We also get some weird, odd and semi-strange ones. To steal an idea from the pages of Dustbury — the O.G. of the Oklahoma Blogosphere — we’re going to highlight some of those (that we feel comfortable publishing) at the end of each month.

Of course, I think this is a swell idea — if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have done it 617 times already — and TLO gets enough traffic to virtually guarantee some seriously wacky stuff in any given month. The first month’s collection was satisfyingly weird.

And this does explain why several people at 42nd and Treadmill were addressing me as “Mr. O.G.” on Friday.

Comments (5)

Strange search-engine queries (617)

There are many things for which I have been grateful of late, and one of them is the fact that I’ve managed to keep this flimsy premise for a Web feature going for a decade and beyond.

how do working in demio gear box:  If you don’t mind getting gear oil all over you.

braums payroll:  Presumably doesn’t include you, unless you work there.

how spotify raymond vulture:  A stream is a stream, even if it’s from a bird of prey.

from the albums released by a musician, the recording company wishes to release in a boxed set. how many different boxed sets are possible, assuming that the order in which the albums are chosen for a boxed set is irrelevant?  It depends on how many tracks are available. If it’s Elvis, you may never, ever run out.

sex crimes lawyer coatesville:  Well, we know what you’ve been up to.

ivan just spent an evening watching pornographic movies of attractive women who actually seemed to enjoy being sexually molested. this experience is most likely to lead him to:  The office of a sex-crimes lawyer in Coatesville?

juan and dori recently got married. if current demographics continue, what is the likelihood (percentage) they will get divorced or separated?  Not sure. There’s a sex-crimes lawyer over in Coatesville we could consult.

herniated disc relief in south coatesville:  Sheesh. I’m thinking maybe I should stay the hell out of Coatesville.

autonomous vehicles 34 success secrets – 34 most asked questions on autonomous vehicles – what you need to know:  If you’re wise, you’ll stay the hell out of Coatesville.

slightly damned rule 34:  Nothing slight about it.

lobotomy corporation rule 34:  You oughta see their W-2 forms.

looney spoony:  Oh, get forked.

Comments (7)

Strange search-engine queries (616)

About 30 to 40 percent of my daily traffic is a small but apparently enthusiastic corps 0f regulars, some of whom have been coming by for more than a decade. Most of the rest got here via search engine; once a week I go through the logs to see what they were searching for. I’ve been doing this for, yes, more than a decade. Draw your own conclusions.

Bikini On Clothesline:  The nearest village to a naturist beach in the southwest of England.

@fmail:  The last step before Gmail. See also Preparation G and Formula 408.

ineffably:  Subsequently replaced by “ingeeably.”

define pmoys:  That was Hef’s job, and by all accounts he enjoyed it.

chepito car rental:  Oh. For a moment there I thought you’d said “Cheapo.”

sickness insurance:  Does not cover the sickness that overwhelms you when you get your insurance bill.

tighty whities men:  Underwear does not discriminate. If women want to wear the damn things it’s fine with me.

doxxed urban dictionary:  Did it not occur to you to actually go to Urban Dictionary?

santa ana winds allergies:  As though having the tip of your nose burned off wasn’t bad enough.

say less remix:  Not hardly. Cut down the remixes and a third of YouTube evaporates.

ontario assisted dying:  We’re guessing that the cost of assisted living was too much to bear.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  No matter what happens, you will always have just enough fuel to get to the crash site.

Comments (5)

Strange search-engine queries (615)

Fall is well and truly upon us, as it’s supposed to be this time of year, but so far as I can tell, that doesn’t mean we’re going to have lots of people searching for pumpkin spice; heck, you can’t avoid running into it these days. In the meantime, here’s a sampling of what’s bringing searchers to this semi-legendary Web site.

And marching on, and marching on, the little we had, the … we had lyrics featured on startimes series:  Who said anything about March? It’s November. Pumpkin spice. Remember?

disturbed soil:  I’ve collected recordings by both, and Disturbed sounds nothing like SOiL.

blue children’s shortall set selling nigerian:  Never seen any blue children, in Nigeria or elsewhere.

all employees at wally world amusement park are required to work on weekends because that is when 80% of the customers visit the park. alex likes to go to church on sunday morning and asks that he not have to work on sunday. must the park accommodate his request?  How early on Sunday morning does this park open, anyway?

costume supercenter party pup pull string pinata home:  Just don’t keep Alex up late. He’s going to church in the morning.

christianity and nudism:  No particular conflict, though Alex will almost certainly be dressed at church in the morning.

judge jeanine cleavage:  It’s pretty much where you think it is.

moobage:  Something not possessed by Judge Jeanine.

lori fullbright bikini:  We don’t do News Babes in abbreviated costumes. Try The Lost Ogle.

“auto julio rent a car”:  Did you try down by the schoolyard? That’s the last place I saw Julio.

a side piece of pornstar:  You should only be so lucky.

squidward:  In the general direction of the squid.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (614)

Monday arrives, right on schedule, and, as has happened every Monday for the last decade or so, here’s a romp through the logs, looking for search strings that might be a few degrees off plumb. Sometimes more than a few.

rebecca black hd sexy pics:  I suspect we may not agree on the definition of “sexy.”

sleeping beauty gets furked:  What in the furk are you talking about?

“search engine academy”:  You gotta learn this stuff somewhere.

marie osmond leaves:  Don’t worry. She’ll be back.

where is my water meter:  Not sure. I don’t think Marie Osmond took it, though.

grace vanderwaal upskirt:  Does your mom know you lust after thirteen-year-old girls?

neil diamond songs written:  Mostly by Neil Diamond. I’d kind of like to hear him do one of Grace VanderWaal’s, though.

color me sexy hair color depositing conditioner violet mood size 33 8 oz:  Does it take a whole quart to color you sexy?

vegan blush brush super soft perfect size lifetime guarantee peta lb certified cruelty free professional grade:  Never tested on animals. What I want is something tested on Congressmen.

observer.update.1.incl.chs.patch.and.crack-3dm:  Because God forbid you should actually buy software.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  Just remember: you’ll always have enough fuel to get to the crash site.

hp printer prints gibberish:  Your driver is corrupted. And you probably need a new ink cartridge, because you always need a new ink cartridge.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (613)

Monday has returned, right on schedule, and that means it’s time for another romp through the search logs. Every one of these items, someone Googled (or maybe Binged), and said someone got this site in the results. No big deal, right?

Kirsten vangsness curve:  She does indeed.

google sawiro jacayl romance:  You know, once you’re actually on Google, you don’t have to use it as a verb.

screaming frog licence key:  Maybe if you actually paid for it, you wouldn’t be screamed at.

screaming frog alternative:  And someone else who won’t pay for a licence.

gfy meaning impractical jokers:  I’m willing to bet that’s not what it means.

guestbusters:  Think of them as the anti-Airbnb.

former priest pete vs. scorned ex-wife pamela: who is to blame for their son’s death?  You might ask Robert Mueller.

freddie mercury net worth:  Alas, poor Freddie, he couldn’t take it with him.

vegan restaurant wilmington riverfront:  And why not? Not everybody loves seafood.

hebephilia tumblr:  Sorry, no naked tweens for you. (Perv.)

lalalala lalalala:  Contrary to popular belief, this will not disconnect your sound card.

youless:  Some day, this will be me.

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Strange search-engine queries (612)

The young folks will not believe you, but it’s true: there was a time before search engines. How we got through those days, I’ll probably never know. But today we have them, and once a week I bring you some of the stuff that’s actually being sought these days.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  You might not want to get too friendly with those sheep. Some of them just reek.

who is the kfc colonel:  Harland Sanders. I thought everyone knew that.

oogats:  Not to be confused with “nougat,” the basis of your 3 Musketeers bar.

milf mayhem:  No, you don’t get to take part.

vanity install bushyhead ok:  A truly bushy head is not always a good reason for vanity.

tvtime direct mosquito repelling keychain:  Do you wave it at them, or what?

pencilneck geek reviews internet profits:  Lower than a sideshow freak, if you ask me.

star trek online dilithium:  As Mr Scott can tell you, it’s not downloadable.

why is treacher collins syndrome so unusual and severe:  You can bring in all the experts you want, but there’s still no cure.

router reborn crop harvester:  If your router can’t be updated to deal with that WPA2 issue, you might as well plow with it.

as city pushes for new airport some wonder if kci disrepair is intentional:   Where would they put it? KCI is halfway to Des Moines already.

how to get someone’s phone number spammed:  Now there’s someone with an obvious death wish.

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Strange search-engine queries (611)

Welcome to Monday. While you’re waiting for whatever Monday-morning mayhem may be headed your way, feel free to take a seat and look at the weirdest stuff I found in the search logs in recent days.

quadratics jeep:  It takes a lot more to be Trail Rated than it used to.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best? julius caesar was born into a powerful family. he became a successful military general and politician, eventually becoming dictator of rome. he was assassinated in 44 bce. julius caesar came from humble beginnings. he worked his way up, becoming:  The inspiration for a salad.

its a great day to whip somebodys ass:  So said Brutus, right before he brandished the knife.

tweetdeck failed to verify account please try again later:  This won’t get you out of your suspension one second sooner.

hugh hefner death date:  I don’t think he asked anyone out on that last day.

austin power dildo experience:  I remember when they opened for the J. Geils Band back in ’78.

there is insufficient memory or disk space word 2013:  Now you’re going to have to delete your collection of upskirt photos. Boo hoo.

why are fiat 500e so cheap:  Low demand. No other reason is needed.

a milf claiming back her life. sofia fucks a whippersnapper and … she dedicates it to her exhusband!  Well, nobody’s going to worry that they spent too much on story development.

buy high quality backlinks:  No backlink you can buy is ever high quality.

what disaster took their reason away from men? what whip lashed them to their knees in shame and submission? the worship of the word “we.” in the excerpt, which concept causes the downfall of humanity?  The desire for free stuff.

defiring:  I’ll take “Things That Won’t Happen to Harvey Weinstein” for a thousand, Alex.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (610)

You may have the day off for Vespucci’s Anniversary, or whatever the hell is being celebrated today. Me, I have a stack of search strings to pore over.

nylon stockings on sarah palin legs more:  I approve this message.

Lolitas 7-15 Whores Collection Archive:  My inner child, a nine-year-old girl, objects strenuously to this message.

episode she farts:  Is this from Murder, She Pooted?

phil spector wife adam carolla:  I’m pretty sure Adam Carolla was never married to Phil Spector.

sexbot feminism:  I suspect they oppose such things, because men might like them.

grace vanderwaal ep sales:  Greater than any other EP sales in 2016.

jill teed topless:  And sliced it off to the left; she needed a wedge to get out of the rough.

ashkenazi jewish iq:  Better than yours. Might even be better than mine.

what does skpo mean in knitting:  Slip, knit, pass over. You slip one stitch, knit one stitch, then pass the slip stitch over the knitted stitch, thereby decreasing one stitch in your row.

“auto julio rent a car”:  Conveniently located down by the schoolyard.

fimfiction foot fetish:  This is why you don’t touch Rainbow Dash’s hooves.

otters and otter-hunting:  Goes together like propane and propane accessories.

lajkers foch pobierz:  I’m not entirely sure what the foch you’re wanting here.

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Strange search-engine queries (609)

What would your Monday be like without a deep dive into the search logs? Let’s hope you don’t find out any time soon.

97 ford probe 5 speed gear wont engage unless high rpms:  Well, duh. Do we assume that you’ve messed up your gearbox, or that you just don’t know how to drive a stick?

jenny scordamaglia grope:  Don’t even think it. You touch her barely clad (if at all) body and you’ll hear from every lawyer in the 305.

ergora fashion gmbh oberlungwitz:  Say that fast three times.

eternal sonata dentures:  Not transferable to a second owner.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has?  25 percent? What is this alleged bank investing in? Venezuelan junk bonds?

“forbear”:  What Charmin ought to do with those damn TV commercials.

in the excerpt which concept causes the downfall of humanity:  Pumpkin spice. Isn’t it obvious?

devon knows that there are 3 teaspoons:  He knows no such thing. There is no spoon.

linklifted:  Some people are just utterly desperate for backlinks.

colonel sanders rule 34:  Doesn’t sound like the original recipe to me.

until upskirts:  It was still possible to strum one’s own sitar, so to speak.

screaming frog alternative:  A toad with a speech impediment.

groove music drm removal:  “I’ll pay any price to avoid paying any price.”

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Strange search-engine queries (608)

Welcome to Monday morning. Grab a cup of joe and settle down for this week’s collection of possibly unexpected search strings that somehow lead actual Web surfers into this neck of the woods.

radioactive tender:  “He made me an offer I could refuse.”

youless:  Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.

crickets slowed down snopes:  Yeah, that lack of traffic gets to you after a while.

hummer h1 coming back:  They shouldn’t allow you to buy these things unless you can prove you know how to park them.

bing dorks:  It is, after all, owned by Microsoft.

dildo cupcakes:  Please tell me this isn’t why you wanted to lick the bowl.

enter supervisor password or hit f11 key to proceed f11 key limits functions:  If it didn’t, there’d be no good reason to let you proceed.

who runs swiftonsecurity:  Hint: it’s someone named Swift.

dakota fanning bacon number:  One. Obviously you haven’t seen Trapped.

“emptiness”:  I think we’ve all felt that, one time or another.

gopcare:  Defined by a palpable feeling of emptiness.

theresa may upskirt:  You probably should not assume that just because she’s over 60, she’d appreciate being perved on.

sethisto arrested:  It’s all a plot to turn EQD over to Cereal Velocity.

yellow dog design jelly beans step in harness:  Sounds like a future Kickstarter to me.

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Strange search-engine queries (607)

Monday morning, as usual — for 11 years, anyway — we open up the big machine in the far corner and look around for things that people were searching for that, purely by coincidence, happened to be here. If they’re at least marginally amusing, so much the better.

iyambo chwo:  I’m guessing this is not something like Purina Klipspringer Chow.

devon dietary disagree dispatch:  I’m guessing this is also not something like Purina Klipspringer Chow.

if we use the analogy that some u.s. families have an income that could be represented by the height of mount everest, then the average american family has an income that is:  Halfway down the Mariana Trench.

dumpster rental thoreau:  I’m pretty sure Henry David Thoreau never rented a Dumpster.

protect adult brief 32 42 medium white disposable sold each quantity per 1 ea category undergarments product class undergarments:  Price includes air freight via Incontinental Airlines.

jenny scordamaglia birthday:  Not sure when it is, but she’ll probably be wearing her birthday suit.

lobotomy corporation rule 34:  Which lobe responds to visual stimuli?

how to remove shrink wrap from febreze small spaces:  Use small scissors.

stereo stone:  Actually, there are two stones, one on each side.

moab base jumping accident:  Landed on a stone. (Actually, two stones, one on each side.)

everything’s a rich man’s trick snopes:  Lately, Snopes hasn’t exactly been rolling in it.

bullet dealer missouri:  Often, they sell bullets in the same place they sell guns.

which way does the sun rotate:  That way. [points]

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (606)

First order of business on this Monday morning is to shake the logs and see if anything even slightly amusing falls out.

hugh hefner death date:  Far as I know, no one’s died while going out with Hef.

decisive moments youtube moment bite this:  Yeah, that sounds pretty decisive to me.

yougore:  Featuring a collection of decisive biting moments from YouTube.

sister incest blog:  This has gotta be on Tumblr.

bat blog hoosier taxpayer:  So does this.

closest thing to cialis over the counter:  For you, probably Mucinex.

dorothy’s gnawing dark souls 3:  The closest thing to Mucinex over the counter.

valvoline rookwood:  She opened for Dorothy the year of the Gnawing Dark Souls 3 tour.

feral from the mortuary:  Growing up around dead things will do that to you.

audi from hell:  Oddly, it was sold at a Volkswagen dealer.

when the automobile manufacturer releases a new model in its wow series, it promises that drivers can expect to get mileage that varies by no more than 6.5 miles per gallon from its field-tested average of 28.4 miles per gallon. which solution represents the range of mileage you can expect from this:  They’re all 21.9 mpg, just like the Audi from Hell.

burp collaborator server:  God help you if you can’t burp on your own.

wank material:  For instance, anything referencing Rule 34.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (605)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you’re new to these parts, let me explain: somewhere between 5,000 and 10,000 visitors arrive here every month, and most of them aren’t drawn to the place by my alleged brilliance; they’re looking for something. Sometimes those somethings are a little bit off kilter, which makes them worth passing on.

circumferential evidence:  Trust me, it’s all around you.

?cat=2 manbabies:  There’s something disconcerting having your second category devoted to manbabies.

ford automobile company mustang logo pet leash:  Do you have a horse? Because this might look silly on an iguana.

karl malden nose disease:  Probably not life-threatening, unlike what Lou Gehrig had.

which way does the sun rotate:  Whichever way maximizes the glare on your windshield.

“new york dermatologists”:  Call now, and you may get an appointment before the spring thaw.

debugging kernel panic:  Perfectly normal. Ask anyone who’s lived through it.

is how stella got her groove back on netflix:  It might be. Check the program guide, and prepare to chill.

system of a down tour 2013:  Um, I think you missed it.

invisible bikini prank:  I’m not quite sure how you’d do this without drawing some unwanted attention.

“redundant”:  See “redundant.”

mazda transmission identification:  Chances are, you have the one that’s broken.

we’re all gonna die:  Yep. Start here for a list.

Comments (6)

Strange search-engine queries (604)

Welcome to Monday. Please have exact change. And stay tuned for some of the more bizarre search strings that somehow point to this site. Deschanel 160-68684.html:  All I can say is that the link worked when it got here.

megadonk:  1024 kilodonks.

on march 1 1982 john deposited $2250:  And he sure wishes he had it now.

in this stanza, prufrock repeats “do i dare?” three times. what does the repetition indicate about his state of mind? he is indecisive. he is adventurous. he wants to be on time. he is worried about the stairs:  And he wonders if that peach in the bowl on the table is still good.

rektful banned for showing young girl pretty much nude:  Yeah, pretty much.

from the albums released by a musician, the recording company wishes to release in a boxed set. how many different boxed sets are possible, assuming that the order in which the albums are chosen for a boxed set is irrelevant?  As many as the customers are willing to buy.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store:  However much it was, it was worth it.

dumpster rental haiku:  A long metal box / You may fill it to the brim / With all sorts of crap.

cooties übersetzung:  Believe me, you’ll recognize them when you see them.

the thermometer hanging on jessica’s patio reads 18°c on a cool autumn day. the temperature on jessica’s patio in fahrenheit is °f. use this formula to convert the temperature:  On the other hand, it’s her patio and presumably her thermometer. Maybe she doesn’t want Fahrenheit.

petula clark topless:  Aw, come on, she’s over 80.

colonel sanders rule 34:  Now those breasts, you can look at.

bcbsok integris:  Sorry, they’re not speaking to one another.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (603)

Dark where you are? Let’s see if the last few search strings will yield up anything illuminating.

quadratics jeep:  You must know your algebra to be Trail Rated.

jenny scordamaglia daily:  We’re sorry, you must be a subscriber to see Jenny in all her glory.

closest thing to cialis over the counter:  A subscription to MiamiTV with Jenny Scordamaglia.

luster dust non toxic frosty holly 3 grams:  Have you tried this instead of Cialis?

lexmark layoffs 2017:  Did anyone know Lexmark was still around in 2017?

active management semiaccurate:  And conversely, semiactive management is accurate.

grove of lovely melodies diggy:  Don’t get too diggy, or you may end up, not in the grove, but in the grave.

tingless:  Sorry to hear that. Can we get you some ting?

buy high quality backlinks:  You couldn’t pay me to link to your crappy little site.

overeducated sapulpa:  Yeah, that’s what they say in Glenpool.

alvin tostig has a son today:  You won’t read about it in The New York Times. They were busy overing the death of God.

canned oxygen:  Just don’t open the can to see if there’s any left.

bilingual heroines vol.2:  There’s a Volume One?

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (602)

If you haven’t seen this feature before, where have you been? It’s been here every Monday for the last 11 years. As always with long-lived Web projects, it thrives on simplicity: we look at the search strings which lead people to this site, and we try to make fun of them. Sometimes it even works.

decisive moments youtube moment bite this:  Probably aren’t more than 150,000 videos on which this is bitten.

Is Mazda 626 an injector or caperator:  Um, it’s a car. The system of fuel delivery varies with the year.

red lipstick meaning:  If you have to ask, you’ve never been kissed.

where was invisible sister filmed:  New Orleans, which is a surprise, since it was set in, um, New Orleans.

refuse fascism:  You’d at least hope fascists could haul away the refuse.

woot box of crap:  Well, it was actually called a bag o’ crap, though the crap was indeed shipped in a box.

change your default browser39s search:  I tell you, Yahoo! has more trouble with mere apostrophes.

goodbye google alternative search engines:  Lots of ’em out there, though Yahoo! has trouble with mere apostrophes.

bilingual heroines vol.2:  Damn, and I missed Volume One.

tumblr sensitive content:  A euphemism for “wank material.”

“rocketship” design or “web design” or “website design” or “website development” or marketing:  However, only one of those is likely to be rocket science, and it ain’t marketing.

invisibility fetish:  Have you considered simply closing your eyes?

in january 2005 burger king sponsored the opener of the third season of the apprentice:  And we’ve been hearing Whoppers ever since.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (601)

It’s Monday again, and you know what that means: it’s time to sweep through the logs and find some of the search strings that called users to this site somewhere in the first ten pages of results. We hope, of course, that some of them will be at least mildly amusing.

scaramuccis rant spurs newsroom debate:  And a whole lot of Twitter tripe, too.

honda malaysia bike WWXD:  What would Xenophobe drive?

widdle wincoln:  Any widdler and it would be a Ford.

lardbutt 1k:  I assume this doesn’t mean “1 kilogram.”

correspondence phd in political science:  This could get you a slot on Fox News, if you look good in a short skirt.

chaz bono weight loss:  I wasn’t aware he’d gained any weight, unless you want to count the facial hair.

does verizon selects cost money:  Bless your heart, honey, everything costs money.

neil diamond songs written:  Must be hundreds of them by now. I just hope he doesn’t get done too soon.

dildo cupcakes:  I’d hate to see the pan you bake these in.

media baron rupert murdoch bought tv guide in 1988 because:  It was the closest thing we had to the News of the World.

how to avoid tumblr safe mode:  Either get an account of your own, or look elsewhere for your smut.

polyglop:  When simple glop isn’t enough.

used realdoll™ $200..$400:  I definitely don’t want to know how it was used.

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Strange search-engine queries (600)

We did it before; we’re doing it again. Here’s another selection of search strings, courtesy of Googlers and Bingers and such, who were looking for something and somehow found it here.

divine+warranty:  If you read both Testaments, you’ll quickly deduce that The Man Upstairs keeps His word.

grass is browner on both sides meaning:  It’s damn near August and we need rain.

“pony” and “botnet” or “stealer” or “malware”:  I blame Prince Blueblood.

babe tools plum crazy lip gloss 0 46 ounces:  That’s one heck of a lot of lip gloss.

grace vanderwaal net worth:  A heck of a lot more than you or I had when we were thirteen.

infliximab trough level testing:  You couldn’t afford enough of that drug to drag through a trough.

(and any subsequent words) was ignored because we limit queries to 32 words:  Which is really rough on those clowns who type in an entire exam question in the vain hope of getting an answer sheet.

nudewithfriends.tumblr:  Assuming Tumblr will let you see it at all. Are you a member?

dumpster rental likely:  Heck of a thing to have to predict.

“human cremation machines”:  More elegant, I suspect, than setting a rented dumpster on file.

driving directions to starbucks:  Go any which way you choose. You’re bound to hit one eventually.

tweetier:  When you tawt you taw two puddy tats.

dammit jim beer where to buy:  I’m a blogger, not a liquor wholesaler.

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Strange search-engine queries (599)

Welcome to the work week. This is the last gasp of my weekend: a romp through the logs to see if anybody who landed here was searching for anything interesting at the time.

free bouncty prerky nude boobies:  Guy’s so excited, he forgot how to spell.

halloween pranks naked:  Just a reminder: when they happen, it’s almost November. If you freeze something off, it’s your own fault.

refuse fascism:  That was the one saving grace of the Mussolini regime: they picked the refuse up on time.

hosted kafka:  Mr Samsa would like a can of Raid sent to room 232.

“half-empty”:  Alternatively, “half-full.” Or maybe “twice as big as necessary.”

gopcare:  I’m betting you probably don’t want to get sick right about now.

going to take a miracle:  That’s what I say every time I think the air conditioning has failed.

one bedroom apartments for rent under $600 in bristol ct:  You may end up sleeping under a satellite dish at ESPN.

pomeranian bowling:  It’s a whole different game, unless you can find a pomeranian weighing 16 pounds.

cars 3 movie leaked:  That explains the oil stains on the keyboard.

a script on this page may be busy, or it may have stopped responding. you can stop the script now, open the script in the debugger, or let the script continue:  Or you can make a note never to visit that damn page ever again.

christianity and nudism:  Not necessarily incompatible, but there are few places of worship that combine the two.

one man’s junk cleveland county nc:  Personally, I don’t want to see any man’s junk right now, even if he’s a Christian.

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Strange search-engine queries (598)

Ugh, Monday again. Guess I’d better shake loose the search log and see what falls out.

combining academic work with a community project is an example of:  A desperate attempt to get extra credit.

rebecca burger nitrous:  I’m kind of puzzled as to how this turns into a gas.

fast supper:  If you’re fasting, you’re not getting any supper.

paaking:  It’s what you do with your caah when you’re in Baaston.

kevin is told that if he works for five days at a telemarketing job, he can expect to earn $100 a day on commission alone. when he gets his paycheck at the end of the week, it comes to only about $80 per day. he’s very upset even when he finds out that his coworkers all made only about $60 each:  And even more so when he discovers he’s marked for death by a group of angry call recipients.

walmart carsaver:  You might consider not parking there in the first place. Otherwise, you’ll get hit by a stray cart.

dumpster rental atomic city:  Just don’t fercrissake set fire to it.

circumferential evidence:  It’s evident, or should be anyway, that I have a substantial circumference.

igrunt:  Apple’s one and only device available to cave dwellers.

who is blanche:  Stella’s older sister. I thought everyone knew that.

phil baruth:  We know Jack, and we know Mark. We don’t know Phil. (And you probably don’t know Jack.)

this king was staying at camelot at christmastime with many fair lords and the most beautiful ladies and the whole high brotherhood of the round table in happy festivity and the high revels of the season. what element of medieval court culture is evident in the excerpt?  You know he’s the king; he’s the only one who doesn’t have shit on him.

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Strange search-engine queries (597)

And here we are again, pretending to be awake on a Monday morning, while you get to read some of the gleanings from recent search strings that somehow were used to find this here site. Yes, we’ve done this before. (Rather a lot, actually.)

my cadillac 2005 sts makes a snapping sound coming from the rear and leans what could it be:  You can replace the entire rear suspension, one piece at a time, or you can hie yourself to a proper shop who can diagnose this correctly.

sevenland:  Next exit beyond Sixburgh.

Dr Rowe, Rhett wants you to know that he never has to go to another appointment and see those stupid:  Sick people. It’s so much easier being dead.

“roadtrips” -road -trip -trips:  I think you owe us one trip.

dumpster rental thoreau: I can’t imagine Thoreau throwing enough stuff away to justify renting one of those things.

my fb account is disabled how to enable:  You can’t. And if you’re like too many Facebook users, you were disabled because you damned well deserved to be.

tilapia taste:  This is your porn-star name, right?

it doesn’t taste like chicken:  Tilapia, maybe?

2001 mazda millenia hold light flashes:  Enjoy your new transmission.

accursed crawling cape:  We told you, “No capes!”

slightly damned rule 34:  You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

driving directions to starbucks:  There should be one in any direction, unless you’re in some place like Labrador.

don’t stuff beans up your nose:  Wait a moment and we’ll tell you where you can stuff them.

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Strange search-engine queries (596)

If you live in the United States, there’s at least a measurable chance you got the day off today. I didn’t. But I’m not complaining. (Much.) And the usual Monday-morning routine contains the usual trip through the search strings, looking for things that, as they say out here on the Plains, “just don’t look right.”

box in mazda 6 that sends signal to transmission:  It’s not like you can fix it yourself; hell, you don’t even know the name of the part.

ijxgbpkknko  Yeah, that’s easy for you to say.

reptiles express:  It does, after all, take a long time for them to crawl.

cum salad dressing:  You told me this was Thousand Island.

nudewithfriends.tumblr:  There must be a thousand Tumblrs full of naked people, and they all reblog each other.

elizabeth kucinich tongue ring:  Better her than Dennis, I suppose.

according to the tree diagram below, what is the probability that someone buys a book that is hardcover and nonfiction?  We’re sorry, but we had to cut down that tree to print a book that is hardcover and nonfiction.

slowly turning sissy:  Go ahead and shave your legs, Dave. Who’s gonna know?

nude recreation:  What’s that, Dave? You can’t go skinny-dipping because you just shaved your legs?

my fb account is disabled how to enable:  Ask Facebook. You obviously can’t do it yourself.

used realdoll™ $200…$400:  You had your fun with her, now you throw her away. Typical.

tweetdeck who muted me:  The last person you pissed off.

phuyuck james bond:  Bite me, Blofeld.

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Strange search-engine queries (595)

We didn’t invent this particular feature — at least, I don’t think we did — but we’ve probably milked it more than anyone else you can name. It’s a simple scheme: find out what people who come to this site are searching for, and try to make fun of them when we can.

by the _____, 35,000 people had been lobotomized in the united states:  By the Cable News Network.

umbrage taker:  CNN viewer, prior to lobotomy.

our automated abuse-prevention system, omnivore, has flagged your recent import for issues that could affect the delivery of your campaigns. your list is likely to trigger spam filters, or generate bounces and abuse complaints:  But you don’t care, so long as you get one sucker out of every hundred to buy your fake drugs.

gonojagoron moncho lucky:  A Kyrgyz remix of Daft Punk?

in the 1920’s when hemlines reached the knee, an exposed female leg was considered erotic. today an exposed leg is less likely to elicit such a response:   Speak for yourself, Donnie.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store:  Was well worth spending.

general motors developed a car in the 1970s for the u.s. market called the nova. that name was not useful for selling the car in mexico because in spanish it translates to “won’t go.” what kind of geography can help companies avoid these problems when selling internationally?  A link to Snopes would be useful, since no such issue existed with the Nova — or with AMC’s Matador, which means “killer,” and not just of bulls.

theresa may upskirt:  Well, it’s probably more entertaining than one of Jeremy Corbyn.

the primary losers in the quest for upward mobility through sport are the thousands of children who have unrealistic expectations of their potential and misjudge the odds of realizing their dreams:  And the thousands of parents who were hoping they’d stumbled upon a gold mine.

reptiles express:  You’d be surprised how fast that iguana can move.

hosted kafka:  And then wondered who was that freaking huge insect downstairs.

if a blighted urban neighborhood were to suddenly develop an assortment of upscale restaurants, coffee shops, hip boutiques, and art galleries, then the neighborhood is:  Getting pretty damn expensive.

fnord motor company:  Exclusive supplier to the Illuminati since AD 1666.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (594)

Monday morning once more, and one of these once more. If you don’t recognize this, we’ll assume you’re new around here, and will tell you that a lot of people have been looking for a lot of things, and sometimes (1) those things are weird and (2) the words happen to match up with something on this site.

rule 34 we just want to fpa:  Dyslexia evidently does not interfere with one’s horniness.

my fb account is disabled how to enable:  Quit lying about every damn thing.

lidar 198 success secrets—198 most asked questions on lidar—what you need to know:  Mainly, you need to know that speeding is still illegal.

suppose a handbill publisher can buy:  Or maybe he can’t. Not a whole lot of money in handbills these days.

to find out what people are thinking about the candidates for mayor, jeralynn asks the first 10 people who pass by her house. which type of sampling method is being used?  The type used by the least respectable political consultants, which means most of them.

pine sol flies snopes:  I’ve used a whole lot of Pine-Sol. It doesn’t fly worth a damn.

active management semiaccurate:  No management is ever more than semiaccurate.

who is judge jeanine pirro’s plastic surgeon:  I’ll be expecting your check for my finder’s fee by Wednesday.

who owns crédit lyonnais:  Hint: it’s not Judge Jeanine’s plastic surgeon.

cathy berberian ticket to ride: Well, there’s one roulade she can’t sing.

tweetdeck who muted me:  You will not be told. Now STFU.

forum whilst we attempt to edit or remove any messages containing inappropriate, sexually orientated, abusive, hateful, slanderous anode:  And don’t go thinking you cathodes are exempt.

dorothy’s gnawing dark souls 3:  I’ll bet one of them is Blanche.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (593)

What happens here is simply this: a lot of people come here, not to see what sort of absurd observations I might be making, but because they’re searching for something. Of course, I know what they’re searching for, and if it’s funny enough or ludicrous enough or simply weird enough, it will show up here on a Monday morning.

does gap insurance cover voluntary repossession:  Um, no, unless you’re planning to wreck it on the way back to the dealer.

is “of un-ambiguity and preserveness of”:  No, it isn’t.

charles the next door neighbor:  Only true of one house on this block.

bullet dealer missouri:  Right this way. Can we interest you in a delivery device for those bullets?

upskirts at the masters:  Try a 3-wood.

danny’s mother is even-tempered fair and tactful:  Unlike Danny, who by all accounts is a world-class asshat.

lubuntu forcepae:  Dear God, how old is this CPU of yours?

her junior:  And next year, her senior.

so doggone cute:  Probably why she was dating a junior in the first place.

a:  Seriously, that’s it: “a.” How the hell am I #11 for that?

itunes3:  Almost certainly faster and less bloated than iTunes 12.

column b in tyler’s spreadsheet contains the addresses of his clients. some of the addresses are truncated so roger:  Can’t poach them. Either that or Tyler just doesn’t know how to work a spreadsheet.

bill smith batman:  To some of us, Adam West will always be Batman.

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Strange search-engine queries (592)

Time once again for that crazed weekly feature in which we sift through all the recent search traffic in a desperate attempt to churn up some mirth.

jenny scordamaglia no pants:  Some days she wears no nothing.

nsa sex embden:  I’m guessing “embden” is Swedish for “covfefe.”

mathis brothers zoo pass:  And you thought they just ran a furniture store.

is dreamhost down:  If so, how am I typing this?

how to hack tinder password:  I’m sure the word “swipe” plays a role here.

eset keeps blocking url:  Um, that’s what you pay them to do for you, or perhaps for your mom.

which is better honda or toyota yahoo answers:  I wouldn’t trust one of those Yahoos to judge a beauty contest with one entrant.

gonojagoron moncho:  Drafted at number 56 by the Spurs.

change your default browser’s search:  I’d appreciate it if you’d change to something that doesn’t block me.

bixby bridge suicides:  Always a tragedy, no matter what you heard.

this will be the day that i die:  Please tell me you’re not in Bixby.

beautiful and damned:  You might want to pull over before you get to Bixby.

are you hanging on the edge of your seat:  Beats the hell out of hanging off a bridge.

glados fast gibberish slowed down:  If she wanted you to understand, you would understand.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (591)

Monday morning has come, as it does seemingly every darn week, and that means it’s time for another traipse through the search strings that bring people to this site. Most of them are fairly unremarkable, so the trick here is to find those that aren’t.

cruex staffing:  I know from Cruex, and all else being equal, I’d just as soon not have it near my staff, if you know what I mean.

during a long drive tony counted:  And then he arrived at his destination, and he didn’t count anymore.

lara and her friends visit a new restaurant in town called betelgeuse. they just happen to notice it while on a long drive. lara and her friends like the ambience, décor, as well as the food. lara is surprised when she finds out that the restaurant has been open for two years and neither her friends:  Nor Lara herself ever mentioned it more than three times in succession.

worst ransomware ever:  It installs Windows Vista and expects you to pay the cost of a Windows 10 license to get your system back.

@fmail:  A late larval stage of Gmail.

woody got wood pastebin:  I’d hate to see what Dickie gets.

keith olbermann the resistance:  Had I a cable network, I’m pretty sure I could resist Keith Olbermann.

distracking:  A much-desired browser feature that would screw up Big Data’s demands for all your personal information.

they went to jared:  And Jared offered them Vladimir Putin’s private phone number.

strange family:  It was strange before Jared became a member.

elevated perspective meaning:  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has it; Mickey Rooney, not so much.

jenny scordamaglia hosts nightclub in nothing but body paint:  And you’ve got a problem with that?

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