Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (629)

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future, or so Steve says, but I keep turning to the recent past, in the hopes I’ll find something at least marginally amusing for this Monday-morning series.

naked toreador:  Not a swell idea. Have you seen these bulls lately?

does fn4a-el transmission has a high speed and high gear shifting rate:  You’re driving a Mazda Protegé, fercrissake. If you’re expecting that, you must be high.

word with rami malek robot want:  Um, you better give the robot what it wants.

maria lost her job because the economy is shrinking. this is an example of:  News, if the GOP is in power.

popeyes chicken oklahoma city:  Just raised their prices about 5 percent, to go with the 0.25% sales-tax increase.

radioactive tender:  Now costs 35 cents more at Popeyes.

costume supercenter party pup pull string pinata home:  That’s a big damn pup, if he can pull a piñata string.

speidel weed wiper:  Holy glyphosate, Batman, what happened to those weeds?

logan, a blind man in his early twenties, was recently hired as a dj at a local radio station in miami. he was given permission by his manager to bring his guide dog to work. in this instance, logan’s employer makes:  Damn sure the dog doesn’t crap on the console.

nudewithfriends:  Presumably very good friends.

newsok oklahoma’s most trusted source:  Possibly, if you can figure out the page layout.

otters and otter-hunting:  You otter be ashamed of yourself.

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Strange search-engine queries (628)

It’s yet another Monday, and therefore time for yet another roundup of recent search strings that led unwitting Web surfers to these premises. You’re just as surprised as we are.

shiyou-zumi shitagi:  Yeah, well, that’s easy for you to say.

leering eyes:  Possessed by everyone whose search string begins with “Rule 34.”

quest for camelot rule 34:  Or ends with it.

colonel sanders net worth:  Many, many buckets.

the five percenters:  Probably seven or eight times as many as there are one-percenters.

episode she farts:  Was this Cagney or Lacey?

manor on the hill diggy:  If you really want to get diggy with it, I suggest a manor in a hole.

macgyver is faced with the problem of opening a safe with 10 buttons numbered from 0 to 9. the safe can be opened by pressing three buttons, not necessarily distinct, in correct order. what is the probability that macgyver will hit the right combination?  Have you never seen MacGuyver? He gets it every damn time.

skintrovert:  A nudist who won’t go outside.

yeti дизайн:  All those abominable snowmen look alike.

yeti lawsuit against walmart:  But they resent it if you treat them that way.

fortress proppants:  Sometimes cargo shorts simply won’t do.

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Strange search-engine queries (627)

If you’re new here, this is what’s going down: in a week’s time, we might get 2500 visitors, or even more. Not all of them know that they’re coming here, though; a lot of them are out there on Google or Bing or whatever search engine, looking for something, and the search engine duly puts up a link to the page here that matches it best. And we hope we can find a dozen of them that are worthy of the legendary adjective “strange.”

A Social worker is a director of a senior center. Every week she leads a group where the elders:  Complain that the kids never call, never write, never visit.

what is wrong with frontier internet:  Nothing. It’s just that your whole damn family wants to watch Netflix on half a dozen devices at once.

is how stella got her groove back on netflix:  Not for all six of you.

sexbot feminism:  Once the former is universal, the latter will fade into obscurity.

vehicle user:  No one’s ever gonna accuse you of being overly specific.

batman instrumental:  Well, yeah. I mean, what words could possibly fit?

ford probe transmission swap:  I’ll trade you for my old wheelbarrow and a slightly used sombrero.

undergarments for man:  Throw in a Ford Probe transmission and you’ve got a trade.

navy seals copypasta german:  You might have better luck just sending one through Google Translate.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  I wonder how many Navy SEALs pay attention to the laws of aviation.

invisible schoolgirl:  The way some of these boys act, I don’t blame her.

finedraw:  If you go out in the raw, you may indeed be fined.

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Strange search-engine queries (626)

Welcome to Monday. Please have exact change. And stand by for this week’s collection of oddball search strings, as transcribed by me from actual searchers on the Web who managed to find something resembling what they were looking for right here.

what size engine in a 97 Mazda 6 to 6:  No, dummy. It’s 626, like it says in the header there.

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts torrent:  Samples taken from other samples. How meta.

micah buys a used car for $10,000 and spends $200 on a new radio that is made in the u.s. the end result of these two transactions is:  Neighbors grateful he didn’t spend $2000 on some boomy audio system.

disagree band:  You mean, like Oasis? Those twerps couldn’t agree on anything.

lidar 198 success secrets – 198 most asked questions on lidar – what you need to know:  Number 1: “WTF is lidar?”

archie bunker bronx cheer:  Impossible. Archie Bunker lived in Queens.

how to remove shrink wrap from febreze small spaces:  What do you care? It’s not like you’re going to save it.

sierra madre tattler: We don’t need no tattlers. We ain’t go no tattlers. I ain’t got to show you any stinkin’ tattlers.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has? a(x) = 500(25)x where 25 is the interest rate a(x) = 500(.25)x where .25 is the interest rate a(x) = 500(1 + 25)x:  Never mind that. Where is she getting 25 percent while I struggle along with 1.5?

omegle arrest:  Perhaps you should have thought of that before you took off your pants in front of the webcam.

skivvies topeka:  People in Kansas don’t want to get arrested while they’re on Omegele.

symjepi:  Hungarian for “kwyjibo.”

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Strange search-engine queries (625)

Jeebus, we’re five-eighths of the way to a thousand of these? That’s kind of scary. Fortunately, people keep looking for weird stuff, so I probably don’t have to worry about running out of material.

mazda 626 2000 modle is showing hold what could wrong:  I’m guessing you couldn’t get out of your driveway to get to your ESL lessons.

are mazda 626 ge gf automatic transmission interchangable:  Not unless you want to spend a ton of money on ancillary equipment revisions.

dentures in oklahoma city:  Not at all hard to find, unless you’re hoping to be able to afford them.

just two days:  No, you can’t get your dentures that fast.

wnbr london photos:  There exists almost no human activity conducted without clothing that won’t draw people asking for photos.

morgan fairchild nude fake:  Whether those photos are real or not.

gordon grams grave groove:  Grossly great.

hunter s thompson net worth:  Wouldn’t be anything without Raoul Duke.

dumpster rental money:  Did you look in the trash can?

playboys women of walmart:  Probably easier to look at than generalized “people of Walmart.”

combustion 2008:  If it’s still going after ten years, that’s got to be one hell of a fire.

larpers:  Now find some larpees.

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Strange search-engine queries (624)

How this works: You go to your favorite search engine and type in a search string. At some point, they’ll stop sending you results, but inasmuch as there are over seven million words on this site, there’s a good chance you’d see something here that might be pertinent. We normally don’t pay attention, though, unless you asked for something that for some reason strikes us as a few degrees off plumb, and if you did, you’ll eventually see it here.

nonvertical:  Generally, my orientation at 6:24 am.

living stainless steel cake slice with 6 forks:  Stainless steel is generally not what you’d call “living,” though Tony Stark may have something to say about that.

horrid henry rule34:  Now to me, that sounds, well, horrid.

jailbait crossdresser:  Now to me, that sounds, well, horrid.

bill gaines don martin mad facebook:  Use the password “potrzebie.”

profile previous federal home loan bank of atlanta “stewart patterson”:  Well, there goes your chance to refinance.

abortion simulator:  Ask someone to shove a pair of pinking shears into your face.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best?  The one that ends in mid-March.

“awash”:  Followed shortly by adry.

oracull:  The process by which Sun Microsystems employees were let go.

porn binaural:  Who the hell wants to listen to that crap with both ears?

gfy meaning impractical jokers:  Pretty much the same thing it means to everyone else. Now GFY.

inforadio 1222:  Simulcast on 98.6 FM.

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Strange search-engine queries (623)

The idea behind this weekly feature is simple enough: we look at the search strings that reach across the Web to find this little place, and we post the ones we like best and/or understand the least.

dustbury com strange searchengine queries:  You’re soaking in it. What I want to know is why I was only #23 for that string.

mclaren car as a unicorn:  Would its horn pass Federal safety standards?

costume supercenter com:  I’m guessing this is sort of a Costco for cosplayers.

we’re all gonna die:  This is, um, not exactly news.

prndl parking:  If you’re gonna park, use P.

pre-exposure prophylaxis:  Because you don’t have chlamydia — yet.

yuccie urban dictionary:  Yeah, there’s some pretty yuccie stuff in there.

dumpster rental likely:  If the Magic 8-Ball told me that, I’d be alarmed.

tvtime direct mosquito repelling keychain:  Which I suppose would be handy if the insects were actually trying to bite your keys.

popeye’s supplements waterloo 170 university ave w waterloo:  Rows and rows of spinach.

million carats:  Don’t let Bugs Bunny hear you say that.

christine chatelain feet:  She’s 1.73 meters tall, so that’s five feet, eight inches.

austin power dildo experience:  I remember when they opened for the J. Geils Band.

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Strange search-engine queries (622)

The first of these collections from 2018 is actually pretty much like the last few hundred from the last decade. If you somehow managed to miss out, this is the deal: we go through the logs looking for search strings from Actual Web Surfers, and publish the ones that seem, well, strange. (No, if you were responsible for these, we don’t go track you down. Usually.)

“second life” “meghan’s” shemales:  You know, if you’re going to spend your time gawking at trans women, maybe you need a first life.

word with rami malek robot want:  Whatever robot want, robot get.

veal crates snopes:  I imagine Snopes is probably opposed to veal crates.

2006 scion tc salvage value:  $249 a pound. All your alleged performance mods mean nothing.

marcotte’s family motel:  I assume this isn’t referring to Amanda Marcotte.

/wp-config-sample.php détesté:  Yeah, I don’t like those files either.

where is my water meter:  Look out front, by the curb.

lalalala lalalala:  So you’re telling me that you can’t hear me?

toad the wet sprocket:  Not to be confused with “bite the wax tadpole.”

lexmark layoffs 2017:  Who knew that Lexmark had anyone left to lay off?

grace vanderwaal ep sales:  Well, I know I bought one.

otters and otter-hunting:  You otter be ashamed of yourself.

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Strange search-engine queries (621)

That number — six hundred twenty-one — should tell you that the logs back behind the scene can truly be the gift that keeps on giving; it’s kept this Monday-morning feature semi-fresh for over a decade.

As the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over:  How they did so well on the stage and yet keep messing up little two-syllable words in class.

snapchat speedometer not working:  You’re typing too slow. Get on with it already.

maybe he’ll know cyndi lauper:  Easily recognizable from those drug commercials she’s been doing.

what is wrong with frontier internet:  Same thing that’s wrong with most local ISPs in the states: insufficient local competition.

michelle, who is a very fast keyboard typist, types faster when others are watching her work. this best illustrates:  That were she not employed, she’d be an attention whore.

hummer h1 coming back:  It only looks that way because it took so long to park it in the first place.

intp warmest machine:  Is, then, INTJ the coldest?

cryptocurrency blackhatworld:  True black hats today are interested in cryptocurrency only to the extent that you have to send it to them to get your files back.

snootful:  For instance: “Those hackers want a snootful of bitcoin before they’ll decrypt your files.”

invisible schoolgirl:  At the very least, you’d think she’d be immune to pervs out to get upskirt photos.

fast supper:  A misprint from the New Testament, in which Judas left early because he might miss his ride to Potter’s Field.

welcometoelba:  Sign that used to hang in front of Bonaparte’s Retreat.

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Strange search-engine queries (620)

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the site,
All the logs were bogged down, most especially at night,
For the holiday spirit has come unto you.
Go looking for weird stuff? There’s too much to do.

2000 mazda 626 transmission:  It’s broken. Prepare to write a large check.

2001 mazda 626 transmission:  It’s broken. Prepare to write a large check.

2002 mazda 626 transmission:  It’s broken. Prepare to write a large check. (They didn’t make any 2003s.)

waylon could see lina’s frustration build as adam continually cut her off midsentence in their problem-solving group meeting. at the next meeting, waylon made an effort to seek out lina’s opinion and to return the discussion to her if adam interrupted. according to your textbook, what kind of leader:  would Waylon be if he kicked Adam’s ass?

cooties übersetzung:  Trust me, if you have cooties, no translation is necessary.

google ad wrods:  This is why your blog made 92 cents last quarter.

juan and dori recently got married. if current demographics continue, what is the likelihood (percentage) they will get divorced or separated?  Oh. Juan and Dori. I thought you said Juan and Don.

alexapowered echo spot echo dec. fingas:  Get your grubby fingas off my Echo.

sarah has just received her driver’s license:  What’s the over/under on the first time she wraps a car around a tree?

“ttcu” “credit union” or “auto loan” or “business loan” or “mortgage loan” or branches:  Keep looking. Nobody’s gonna lend you a damn dime.

episode she farts:  I don’t remember that from Little House on the Prairie.

spiritual beggars spiritual beggars:  Remember, it’s December, so there’s still time to repent.

kat timpf:  Remember, it’s December, so she might be wearing pants.

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Strange search-engine queries (619)

Welcome to Monday. Please have exact change. And please feel free to slog through entirely too many wacko search strings that somehow register here.

So you want to be a literary critic:  Um, not really. I just want the phone number of one of those cute chick-lit writers.

Cantfindthetimebillboardhot100chart 1971:  Can’t find the space bar, either.

garrison keillor net worth:  About two-thirds what it was six months ago.

radioactive tender:  Even hotter than Popeye’s.

twought:  What they said in Elizabethan times, instead of “tweeted.”

bikini wax to beaver lovin:  No reference to Brazil? Shame on you.

junk bonds lawyer:  Coming this fall to The CW.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best:  “All I get is a frigging salad?”

“this question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions” digital marketing manager job:  Isn’t the first duty of the digital marketing manager to make sure that spam gets submitted?

tvtime direct mosquito repelling keychain:  Also keeps away digital marketing managers.

gfy meaning impractical jokers:  I hate to tell you jokers this, but that’s not what GFY means.

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Strange search-engine queries (618)

Oh, look. It’s Monday again. And that can mean only one of one thing: it’s time for another slog through the logs in search of possible punchlines.

[zoo] alice with horse – new star best vol. 1:  Purchaser is, we may safely assume, not hung like a horse.

fzq transmission:  I could have sworn I heard someone yelling that by the side of the road.

oxygen not included thimble reed:  Goodness, how will you breathe?

what is wrong with frontier internet:  Says the guy who’s never had Comcast.

logitech media server died. restarting:  They do that. Not much else you can do about it.

walmart nimmo parkway auto center:  Pep Boys too rich for your blood?

workout wrapped xerox yourself:  Remember, though: your clone sleeps alone.

cheap backlinks:  You want a spot on Google’s front page? Buy a damn ad, you pencil-necked geek.

sickness insurance:  This provides coverage for your reaction to your 2018 health-insurance bill.

generic preppies wipes 50 count large:  How, exactly, do you tell if a preppy is generic?

red lipstick meaning:  If you have to ask, perhaps you don’t need to know just yet.

göögle: Still draws more traffic than Biñg.

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You know, this just might work

Patrick adds a new recurring feature — at least, I hope it recurs — to The Lost Ogle:

30% of The Lost Ogle’s site traffic still comes directly from search engines. The rest comes from either direct traffic or social media. Depending on what’s going on each month, the terms are all over the map. The top search engine results are usually “The Lost Ogle,” “Lost Ogle” and “Emily Sutton Married.” We also get some weird, odd and semi-strange ones. To steal an idea from the pages of Dustbury — the O.G. of the Oklahoma Blogosphere — we’re going to highlight some of those (that we feel comfortable publishing) at the end of each month.

Of course, I think this is a swell idea — if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have done it 617 times already — and TLO gets enough traffic to virtually guarantee some seriously wacky stuff in any given month. The first month’s collection was satisfyingly weird.

And this does explain why several people at 42nd and Treadmill were addressing me as “Mr. O.G.” on Friday.

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Strange search-engine queries (617)

There are many things for which I have been grateful of late, and one of them is the fact that I’ve managed to keep this flimsy premise for a Web feature going for a decade and beyond.

how do working in demio gear box:  If you don’t mind getting gear oil all over you.

braums payroll:  Presumably doesn’t include you, unless you work there.

how spotify raymond vulture:  A stream is a stream, even if it’s from a bird of prey.

from the albums released by a musician, the recording company wishes to release in a boxed set. how many different boxed sets are possible, assuming that the order in which the albums are chosen for a boxed set is irrelevant?  It depends on how many tracks are available. If it’s Elvis, you may never, ever run out.

sex crimes lawyer coatesville:  Well, we know what you’ve been up to.

ivan just spent an evening watching pornographic movies of attractive women who actually seemed to enjoy being sexually molested. this experience is most likely to lead him to:  The office of a sex-crimes lawyer in Coatesville?

juan and dori recently got married. if current demographics continue, what is the likelihood (percentage) they will get divorced or separated?  Not sure. There’s a sex-crimes lawyer over in Coatesville we could consult.

herniated disc relief in south coatesville:  Sheesh. I’m thinking maybe I should stay the hell out of Coatesville.

autonomous vehicles 34 success secrets – 34 most asked questions on autonomous vehicles – what you need to know:  If you’re wise, you’ll stay the hell out of Coatesville.

slightly damned rule 34:  Nothing slight about it.

lobotomy corporation rule 34:  You oughta see their W-2 forms.

looney spoony:  Oh, get forked.

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Strange search-engine queries (616)

About 30 to 40 percent of my daily traffic is a small but apparently enthusiastic corps 0f regulars, some of whom have been coming by for more than a decade. Most of the rest got here via search engine; once a week I go through the logs to see what they were searching for. I’ve been doing this for, yes, more than a decade. Draw your own conclusions.

Bikini On Clothesline:  The nearest village to a naturist beach in the southwest of England.

@fmail:  The last step before Gmail. See also Preparation G and Formula 408.

ineffably:  Subsequently replaced by “ingeeably.”

define pmoys:  That was Hef’s job, and by all accounts he enjoyed it.

chepito car rental:  Oh. For a moment there I thought you’d said “Cheapo.”

sickness insurance:  Does not cover the sickness that overwhelms you when you get your insurance bill.

tighty whities men:  Underwear does not discriminate. If women want to wear the damn things it’s fine with me.

doxxed urban dictionary:  Did it not occur to you to actually go to Urban Dictionary?

santa ana winds allergies:  As though having the tip of your nose burned off wasn’t bad enough.

say less remix:  Not hardly. Cut down the remixes and a third of YouTube evaporates.

ontario assisted dying:  We’re guessing that the cost of assisted living was too much to bear.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  No matter what happens, you will always have just enough fuel to get to the crash site.

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Strange search-engine queries (615)

Fall is well and truly upon us, as it’s supposed to be this time of year, but so far as I can tell, that doesn’t mean we’re going to have lots of people searching for pumpkin spice; heck, you can’t avoid running into it these days. In the meantime, here’s a sampling of what’s bringing searchers to this semi-legendary Web site.

And marching on, and marching on, the little we had, the … we had lyrics featured on startimes series:  Who said anything about March? It’s November. Pumpkin spice. Remember?

disturbed soil:  I’ve collected recordings by both, and Disturbed sounds nothing like SOiL.

blue children’s shortall set selling nigerian:  Never seen any blue children, in Nigeria or elsewhere.

all employees at wally world amusement park are required to work on weekends because that is when 80% of the customers visit the park. alex likes to go to church on sunday morning and asks that he not have to work on sunday. must the park accommodate his request?  How early on Sunday morning does this park open, anyway?

costume supercenter party pup pull string pinata home:  Just don’t keep Alex up late. He’s going to church in the morning.

christianity and nudism:  No particular conflict, though Alex will almost certainly be dressed at church in the morning.

judge jeanine cleavage:  It’s pretty much where you think it is.

moobage:  Something not possessed by Judge Jeanine.

lori fullbright bikini:  We don’t do News Babes in abbreviated costumes. Try The Lost Ogle.

“auto julio rent a car”:  Did you try down by the schoolyard? That’s the last place I saw Julio.

a side piece of pornstar:  You should only be so lucky.

squidward:  In the general direction of the squid.

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Strange search-engine queries (614)

Monday arrives, right on schedule, and, as has happened every Monday for the last decade or so, here’s a romp through the logs, looking for search strings that might be a few degrees off plumb. Sometimes more than a few.

rebecca black hd sexy pics:  I suspect we may not agree on the definition of “sexy.”

sleeping beauty gets furked:  What in the furk are you talking about?

“search engine academy”:  You gotta learn this stuff somewhere.

marie osmond leaves:  Don’t worry. She’ll be back.

where is my water meter:  Not sure. I don’t think Marie Osmond took it, though.

grace vanderwaal upskirt:  Does your mom know you lust after thirteen-year-old girls?

neil diamond songs written:  Mostly by Neil Diamond. I’d kind of like to hear him do one of Grace VanderWaal’s, though.

color me sexy hair color depositing conditioner violet mood size 33 8 oz:  Does it take a whole quart to color you sexy?

vegan blush brush super soft perfect size lifetime guarantee peta lb certified cruelty free professional grade:  Never tested on animals. What I want is something tested on Congressmen.

observer.update.1.incl.chs.patch.and.crack-3dm:  Because God forbid you should actually buy software.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  Just remember: you’ll always have enough fuel to get to the crash site.

hp printer prints gibberish:  Your driver is corrupted. And you probably need a new ink cartridge, because you always need a new ink cartridge.

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Strange search-engine queries (613)

Monday has returned, right on schedule, and that means it’s time for another romp through the search logs. Every one of these items, someone Googled (or maybe Binged), and said someone got this site in the results. No big deal, right?

Kirsten vangsness curve:  She does indeed.

google sawiro jacayl romance:  You know, once you’re actually on Google, you don’t have to use it as a verb.

screaming frog licence key:  Maybe if you actually paid for it, you wouldn’t be screamed at.

screaming frog alternative:  And someone else who won’t pay for a licence.

gfy meaning impractical jokers:  I’m willing to bet that’s not what it means.

guestbusters:  Think of them as the anti-Airbnb.

former priest pete vs. scorned ex-wife pamela: who is to blame for their son’s death?  You might ask Robert Mueller.

freddie mercury net worth:  Alas, poor Freddie, he couldn’t take it with him.

vegan restaurant wilmington riverfront:  And why not? Not everybody loves seafood.

hebephilia tumblr:  Sorry, no naked tweens for you. (Perv.)

lalalala lalalala:  Contrary to popular belief, this will not disconnect your sound card.

youless:  Some day, this will be me.

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Strange search-engine queries (612)

The young folks will not believe you, but it’s true: there was a time before search engines. How we got through those days, I’ll probably never know. But today we have them, and once a week I bring you some of the stuff that’s actually being sought these days.

select all words from this list that have an anglo-saxon origin. mother father friend sheep he aroma me president decade sphere the pizza is:  You might not want to get too friendly with those sheep. Some of them just reek.

who is the kfc colonel:  Harland Sanders. I thought everyone knew that.

oogats:  Not to be confused with “nougat,” the basis of your 3 Musketeers bar.

milf mayhem:  No, you don’t get to take part.

vanity install bushyhead ok:  A truly bushy head is not always a good reason for vanity.

tvtime direct mosquito repelling keychain:  Do you wave it at them, or what?

pencilneck geek reviews internet profits:  Lower than a sideshow freak, if you ask me.

star trek online dilithium:  As Mr Scott can tell you, it’s not downloadable.

why is treacher collins syndrome so unusual and severe:  You can bring in all the experts you want, but there’s still no cure.

router reborn crop harvester:  If your router can’t be updated to deal with that WPA2 issue, you might as well plow with it.

as city pushes for new airport some wonder if kci disrepair is intentional:   Where would they put it? KCI is halfway to Des Moines already.

how to get someone’s phone number spammed:  Now there’s someone with an obvious death wish.

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Strange search-engine queries (611)

Welcome to Monday. While you’re waiting for whatever Monday-morning mayhem may be headed your way, feel free to take a seat and look at the weirdest stuff I found in the search logs in recent days.

quadratics jeep:  It takes a lot more to be Trail Rated than it used to.

which paragraph summarizes julius caesar’s life best? julius caesar was born into a powerful family. he became a successful military general and politician, eventually becoming dictator of rome. he was assassinated in 44 bce. julius caesar came from humble beginnings. he worked his way up, becoming:  The inspiration for a salad.

its a great day to whip somebodys ass:  So said Brutus, right before he brandished the knife.

tweetdeck failed to verify account please try again later:  This won’t get you out of your suspension one second sooner.

hugh hefner death date:  I don’t think he asked anyone out on that last day.

austin power dildo experience:  I remember when they opened for the J. Geils Band back in ’78.

there is insufficient memory or disk space word 2013:  Now you’re going to have to delete your collection of upskirt photos. Boo hoo.

why are fiat 500e so cheap:  Low demand. No other reason is needed.

a milf claiming back her life. sofia fucks a whippersnapper and … she dedicates it to her exhusband!  Well, nobody’s going to worry that they spent too much on story development.

buy high quality backlinks:  No backlink you can buy is ever high quality.

what disaster took their reason away from men? what whip lashed them to their knees in shame and submission? the worship of the word “we.” in the excerpt, which concept causes the downfall of humanity?  The desire for free stuff.

defiring:  I’ll take “Things That Won’t Happen to Harvey Weinstein” for a thousand, Alex.

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Strange search-engine queries (610)

You may have the day off for Vespucci’s Anniversary, or whatever the hell is being celebrated today. Me, I have a stack of search strings to pore over.

nylon stockings on sarah palin legs more:  I approve this message.

Lolitas 7-15 Whores Collection Archive:  My inner child, a nine-year-old girl, objects strenuously to this message.

episode she farts:  Is this from Murder, She Pooted?

phil spector wife adam carolla:  I’m pretty sure Adam Carolla was never married to Phil Spector.

sexbot feminism:  I suspect they oppose such things, because men might like them.

grace vanderwaal ep sales:  Greater than any other EP sales in 2016.

jill teed topless:  And sliced it off to the left; she needed a wedge to get out of the rough.

ashkenazi jewish iq:  Better than yours. Might even be better than mine.

what does skpo mean in knitting:  Slip, knit, pass over. You slip one stitch, knit one stitch, then pass the slip stitch over the knitted stitch, thereby decreasing one stitch in your row.

“auto julio rent a car”:  Conveniently located down by the schoolyard.

fimfiction foot fetish:  This is why you don’t touch Rainbow Dash’s hooves.

otters and otter-hunting:  Goes together like propane and propane accessories.

lajkers foch pobierz:  I’m not entirely sure what the foch you’re wanting here.

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Strange search-engine queries (609)

What would your Monday be like without a deep dive into the search logs? Let’s hope you don’t find out any time soon.

97 ford probe 5 speed gear wont engage unless high rpms:  Well, duh. Do we assume that you’ve messed up your gearbox, or that you just don’t know how to drive a stick?

jenny scordamaglia grope:  Don’t even think it. You touch her barely clad (if at all) body and you’ll hear from every lawyer in the 305.

ergora fashion gmbh oberlungwitz:  Say that fast three times.

eternal sonata dentures:  Not transferable to a second owner.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has?  25 percent? What is this alleged bank investing in? Venezuelan junk bonds?

“forbear”:  What Charmin ought to do with those damn TV commercials.

in the excerpt which concept causes the downfall of humanity:  Pumpkin spice. Isn’t it obvious?

devon knows that there are 3 teaspoons:  He knows no such thing. There is no spoon.

linklifted:  Some people are just utterly desperate for backlinks.

colonel sanders rule 34:  Doesn’t sound like the original recipe to me.

until upskirts:  It was still possible to strum one’s own sitar, so to speak.

screaming frog alternative:  A toad with a speech impediment.

groove music drm removal:  “I’ll pay any price to avoid paying any price.”

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Strange search-engine queries (608)

Welcome to Monday morning. Grab a cup of joe and settle down for this week’s collection of possibly unexpected search strings that somehow lead actual Web surfers into this neck of the woods.

radioactive tender:  “He made me an offer I could refuse.”

youless:  Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.

crickets slowed down snopes:  Yeah, that lack of traffic gets to you after a while.

hummer h1 coming back:  They shouldn’t allow you to buy these things unless you can prove you know how to park them.

bing dorks:  It is, after all, owned by Microsoft.

dildo cupcakes:  Please tell me this isn’t why you wanted to lick the bowl.

enter supervisor password or hit f11 key to proceed f11 key limits functions:  If it didn’t, there’d be no good reason to let you proceed.

who runs swiftonsecurity:  Hint: it’s someone named Swift.

dakota fanning bacon number:  One. Obviously you haven’t seen Trapped.

“emptiness”:  I think we’ve all felt that, one time or another.

gopcare:  Defined by a palpable feeling of emptiness.

theresa may upskirt:  You probably should not assume that just because she’s over 60, she’d appreciate being perved on.

sethisto arrested:  It’s all a plot to turn EQD over to Cereal Velocity.

yellow dog design jelly beans step in harness:  Sounds like a future Kickstarter to me.

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Strange search-engine queries (607)

Monday morning, as usual — for 11 years, anyway — we open up the big machine in the far corner and look around for things that people were searching for that, purely by coincidence, happened to be here. If they’re at least marginally amusing, so much the better.

iyambo chwo:  I’m guessing this is not something like Purina Klipspringer Chow.

devon dietary disagree dispatch:  I’m guessing this is also not something like Purina Klipspringer Chow.

if we use the analogy that some u.s. families have an income that could be represented by the height of mount everest, then the average american family has an income that is:  Halfway down the Mariana Trench.

dumpster rental thoreau:  I’m pretty sure Henry David Thoreau never rented a Dumpster.

protect adult brief 32 42 medium white disposable sold each quantity per 1 ea category undergarments product class undergarments:  Price includes air freight via Incontinental Airlines.

jenny scordamaglia birthday:  Not sure when it is, but she’ll probably be wearing her birthday suit.

lobotomy corporation rule 34:  Which lobe responds to visual stimuli?

how to remove shrink wrap from febreze small spaces:  Use small scissors.

stereo stone:  Actually, there are two stones, one on each side.

moab base jumping accident:  Landed on a stone. (Actually, two stones, one on each side.)

everything’s a rich man’s trick snopes:  Lately, Snopes hasn’t exactly been rolling in it.

bullet dealer missouri:  Often, they sell bullets in the same place they sell guns.

which way does the sun rotate:  That way. [points]

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Strange search-engine queries (606)

First order of business on this Monday morning is to shake the logs and see if anything even slightly amusing falls out.

hugh hefner death date:  Far as I know, no one’s died while going out with Hef.

decisive moments youtube moment bite this:  Yeah, that sounds pretty decisive to me.

yougore:  Featuring a collection of decisive biting moments from YouTube.

sister incest blog:  This has gotta be on Tumblr.

bat blog hoosier taxpayer:  So does this.

closest thing to cialis over the counter:  For you, probably Mucinex.

dorothy’s gnawing dark souls 3:  The closest thing to Mucinex over the counter.

valvoline rookwood:  She opened for Dorothy the year of the Gnawing Dark Souls 3 tour.

feral from the mortuary:  Growing up around dead things will do that to you.

audi from hell:  Oddly, it was sold at a Volkswagen dealer.

when the automobile manufacturer releases a new model in its wow series, it promises that drivers can expect to get mileage that varies by no more than 6.5 miles per gallon from its field-tested average of 28.4 miles per gallon. which solution represents the range of mileage you can expect from this:  They’re all 21.9 mpg, just like the Audi from Hell.

burp collaborator server:  God help you if you can’t burp on your own.

wank material:  For instance, anything referencing Rule 34.

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Strange search-engine queries (605)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. If you’re new to these parts, let me explain: somewhere between 5,000 and 10,000 visitors arrive here every month, and most of them aren’t drawn to the place by my alleged brilliance; they’re looking for something. Sometimes those somethings are a little bit off kilter, which makes them worth passing on.

circumferential evidence:  Trust me, it’s all around you.

?cat=2 manbabies:  There’s something disconcerting having your second category devoted to manbabies.

ford automobile company mustang logo pet leash:  Do you have a horse? Because this might look silly on an iguana.

karl malden nose disease:  Probably not life-threatening, unlike what Lou Gehrig had.

which way does the sun rotate:  Whichever way maximizes the glare on your windshield.

“new york dermatologists”:  Call now, and you may get an appointment before the spring thaw.

debugging kernel panic:  Perfectly normal. Ask anyone who’s lived through it.

is how stella got her groove back on netflix:  It might be. Check the program guide, and prepare to chill.

system of a down tour 2013:  Um, I think you missed it.

invisible bikini prank:  I’m not quite sure how you’d do this without drawing some unwanted attention.

“redundant”:  See “redundant.”

mazda transmission identification:  Chances are, you have the one that’s broken.

we’re all gonna die:  Yep. Start here for a list.

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Strange search-engine queries (604)

Welcome to Monday. Please have exact change. And stay tuned for some of the more bizarre search strings that somehow point to this site.

http://hqwall.net/eng/wallpaper/Zooey Deschanel 160-68684.html:  All I can say is that the link worked when it got here.

megadonk:  1024 kilodonks.

on march 1 1982 john deposited $2250:  And he sure wishes he had it now.

in this stanza, prufrock repeats “do i dare?” three times. what does the repetition indicate about his state of mind? he is indecisive. he is adventurous. he wants to be on time. he is worried about the stairs:  And he wonders if that peach in the bowl on the table is still good.

rektful banned for showing young girl pretty much nude:  Yeah, pretty much.

from the albums released by a musician, the recording company wishes to release in a boxed set. how many different boxed sets are possible, assuming that the order in which the albums are chosen for a boxed set is irrelevant?  As many as the customers are willing to buy.

the money collected from selling bacon at a butcher store:  However much it was, it was worth it.

dumpster rental haiku:  A long metal box / You may fill it to the brim / With all sorts of crap.

cooties übersetzung:  Believe me, you’ll recognize them when you see them.

the thermometer hanging on jessica’s patio reads 18°c on a cool autumn day. the temperature on jessica’s patio in fahrenheit is °f. use this formula to convert the temperature:  On the other hand, it’s her patio and presumably her thermometer. Maybe she doesn’t want Fahrenheit.

petula clark topless:  Aw, come on, she’s over 80.

colonel sanders rule 34:  Now those breasts, you can look at.

bcbsok integris:  Sorry, they’re not speaking to one another.

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Strange search-engine queries (603)

Dark where you are? Let’s see if the last few search strings will yield up anything illuminating.

quadratics jeep:  You must know your algebra to be Trail Rated.

jenny scordamaglia daily:  We’re sorry, you must be a subscriber to see Jenny in all her glory.

closest thing to cialis over the counter:  A subscription to MiamiTV with Jenny Scordamaglia.

luster dust non toxic frosty holly 3 grams:  Have you tried this instead of Cialis?

lexmark layoffs 2017:  Did anyone know Lexmark was still around in 2017?

active management semiaccurate:  And conversely, semiactive management is accurate.

grove of lovely melodies diggy:  Don’t get too diggy, or you may end up, not in the grove, but in the grave.

tingless:  Sorry to hear that. Can we get you some ting?

buy high quality backlinks:  You couldn’t pay me to link to your crappy little site.

overeducated sapulpa:  Yeah, that’s what they say in Glenpool.

alvin tostig has a son today:  You won’t read about it in The New York Times. They were busy overing the death of God.

canned oxygen:  Just don’t open the can to see if there’s any left.

bilingual heroines vol.2:  There’s a Volume One?

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Strange search-engine queries (602)

If you haven’t seen this feature before, where have you been? It’s been here every Monday for the last 11 years. As always with long-lived Web projects, it thrives on simplicity: we look at the search strings which lead people to this site, and we try to make fun of them. Sometimes it even works.

decisive moments youtube moment bite this:  Probably aren’t more than 150,000 videos on which this is bitten.

Is Mazda 626 an injector or caperator:  Um, it’s a car. The system of fuel delivery varies with the year.

red lipstick meaning:  If you have to ask, you’ve never been kissed.

where was invisible sister filmed:  New Orleans, which is a surprise, since it was set in, um, New Orleans.

refuse fascism:  You’d at least hope fascists could haul away the refuse.

woot box of crap:  Well, it was actually called a bag o’ crap, though the crap was indeed shipped in a box.

change your default browser39s search:  I tell you, Yahoo! has more trouble with mere apostrophes.

goodbye google alternative search engines:  Lots of ’em out there, though Yahoo! has trouble with mere apostrophes.

bilingual heroines vol.2:  Damn, and I missed Volume One.

tumblr sensitive content:  A euphemism for “wank material.”

“rocketship” design or “web design” or “website design” or “website development” or marketing:  However, only one of those is likely to be rocket science, and it ain’t marketing.

invisibility fetish:  Have you considered simply closing your eyes?

in january 2005 burger king sponsored the opener of the third season of the apprentice:  And we’ve been hearing Whoppers ever since.

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Strange search-engine queries (601)

It’s Monday again, and you know what that means: it’s time to sweep through the logs and find some of the search strings that called users to this site somewhere in the first ten pages of results. We hope, of course, that some of them will be at least mildly amusing.

scaramuccis rant spurs newsroom debate:  And a whole lot of Twitter tripe, too.

honda malaysia bike WWXD:  What would Xenophobe drive?

widdle wincoln:  Any widdler and it would be a Ford.

lardbutt 1k:  I assume this doesn’t mean “1 kilogram.”

correspondence phd in political science:  This could get you a slot on Fox News, if you look good in a short skirt.

chaz bono weight loss:  I wasn’t aware he’d gained any weight, unless you want to count the facial hair.

does verizon selects cost money:  Bless your heart, honey, everything costs money.

neil diamond songs written:  Must be hundreds of them by now. I just hope he doesn’t get done too soon.

dildo cupcakes:  I’d hate to see the pan you bake these in.

media baron rupert murdoch bought tv guide in 1988 because:  It was the closest thing we had to the News of the World.

how to avoid tumblr safe mode:  Either get an account of your own, or look elsewhere for your smut.

polyglop:  When simple glop isn’t enough.

used realdoll™ $200..$400:  I definitely don’t want to know how it was used.

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