Archive for You Asked For It

Strange search-engine queries (654)

What we do here, in case you hadn’t noticed, is to look through the hundreds of search strings that lead to this very site, and hope some of them are amusing enough to reprint here on Mondays.

Tom Servo, remind you to bite me:  You know, you really should just relax.

where is cougar solenoid sensor:  It’s in the cerebral cortex. Do you expect to meet any cougars?

breast types pictures cup sizes clothed unclothed:  Well, at least you’re not picky.

margaret trudeau no panties:  Unlike, for instance, this guy.

cheap diet shoes:  Do they have to be gluten-free?

outfits with orange shoes:  Probably not cheap. Or low-calorie, either.

hot nightwear:  If it’s really that hot, you might as well take it off.

“like to pee standing”:  You might not want to do that in hot nightwear.

“what the font”:  Perhaps you’re getting an Arial view.

variable attitude submersible hydrofoil china:  And meanwhile, we worry about plastic straws.

snow is a four letter word:  Yeah. So was “July.”

what the fuck is steve’s problem:  Perhaps you should ask Garfunkel and Oates.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (653)

Search-engine use makes up a substantial part of my personal computing, and probably of yours as well. All queries are essentially equal, according to the servers, which do not pass judgment on such things. However, some of them are weirder than others, as a quick look through some of the search strings that land here will quickly demonstrate.

hry auta gorf tuning 4:  Well, yeah, if you say so.

eternal servererrors:  500 for all eternity.

do liberals have more abortions than conservatives?  Maybe. Conservatives, however, are less likely to brag about it.

message in a pothole:  And that message is: quit awarding pavement contracts to the lowest bidder all the time.

kendall was always a little freaky:  You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.

alpharetta conspiracies strange locations:  As though Alpharetta itself wasn’t strange enough.

the bad news birds:  Is this a Hitchcock prequel?

“frog ecosystem” delaware buy:  It’s a simple system: you get toad away, and you get fined.

dilatancy genitals sex movie:  Don’t most sex movies involve some sort of genitals?

is it bad to puke green with white dots in it:  Even without white dots in it.

everything causes cancer:  Well, yeah, but not everything makes you puke green with white dots in it.

what the fuck is a grape nut:  (1) It’s not a grape; (2) it’s not a nut.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (652)

How this works:

  • You type a search string into your browser, which duly sends it to the search engine.
  • The search engine returns several URLs, one of which is on this very site.
  • Hilarity ensues.

We hope so, anyway.

the original rapacious videos 905:  I never knew there were more than ten of them.

naturists Calgary meetup nudist:  They might even have a site for this by the time summer is over.

sporks illustrated:  The premiere magazine of dinnerware.

suppose that someone stole your atm card and withdrew $1125 from your checking account:  Rather a lot of us are laughing at the thought that we might have $1125 in checking.

america’s hottest secretary:  Let’s not make any more work for her than we have to.

gorgeous librarians:  They might make more as secretaries, but they love what they do.

brian hyland she wears short shorts:  Or, more often, a bikini, smallish, with polka dots.

southern women passing the vapor:  Of course, they’ll be too polite to pass them to you.

how does a manual transmission act when it runs out of fluid:  The gears start to grind, and then they don’t move anymore.

crossdresser glute pads:  My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

silly memes:  Aren’t they all kind of silly?

yogurt tapeworms:  Not recommended as a dietary aid.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (651)

Did you ever walk past the library computers? Of course you have. Did someone try awfully hard to keep you from seeing what was on screen? If so, we’re trying to find out what that someone was looking for.

hysteric preservation:  This is how that bowling alley managed to get federal funds.

mazda 626 history best selling car:  Should have been, maybe, but never was. sexywomes in kenya:  So rich, so sexy, they cause you to type like a blind orangutan.

been meaning to phone ya minnesota:  Just couldn’t get Wisconsin off the party line.

book the road twice taken:  Makes no difference to me, though Mr. Frost might have something to say about it.

mergers don’t always lead to cultural clashes case study boa and mbna:  True. Both of them were united in their desire to stick it to you.

places to live for single boomer artist:  The Millennials can let you camp out in their garage for $2200 a month.

you’re doing it wrong font:  The answer is always Comic Sans.

the women you’d most like to see nude:  Long list, no prospects.

twit_dollars  Scrip used to pay @jack what he’s worth.

eye bleach fail:  Aw, Perseus. We told you not to look directly at her.

i knew you were going to say that:  Guess what? So did I.


Strange search-engine queries (650)

Do people become crazy from the heat? You can’t really tell from the search strings; if anything, you’re likely to conclude that they’re crazy all year, irrespective of temperature.

liam payne chenine lozano midnight memories def leppard copyright infringement:  Why do I get the feeling I’ve heard this before?

google ad wrods:  Be careful not to misspell any of those wrods.

margaret trudeau no panties:  That was years ago, and so far as I know it had nothing to do with son Justin.

rule34 nancy pelosi:  Please don’t go there.

the penis clone replica will be incredibly detailed all tiny lines and bumps:  And you waste all that technology fantasizing about Nancy Pelosi.

black bikinis on lads and cars pics:  Most of the lads I know do the one-piece thing almost exclusively.

bad glasses prescription affect short term memory:  What was that … that thing I just saw?

fourteen year old nudist girl:  I knew one once. You couldn’t have handled her.

its not the transmission:  Well, thank your lucky stars.

roche diagnostics getting rid of insulin pump business:  Considering how much they’re asking for insulin these days, it should be no surprise.

i’m not a criminal i bounced one check:  We’ll let the district attorney be the judge of that.

grendel opry:  Man, you should have heard Beowulf on the talking steel guitar.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (649)

What we have here, in case you hadn’t seen it before, is a sampling of search strings which eventually lead to this site, assuming the searcher dug down a bit but not a whole lot. (Normally, ten pages of results will be about as much as anyone is willing to persevere.)

As the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over:  where the heck they find words like “eleemosynary.”

james lileks lingerie:  Far as I know, he doesn’t wear such things.

lookin like a fool with your plants on the ground:  Sorry, can’t get ’em to grow in the air.

ford f250 buzzer goes off when you go faster than 76 mph:  It’s Ford’s way of telling you you’re entering the Five Miles Per Gallon Zone.

pantyhose heel dipping of asian stewartess:  No wonder you made such a fuss about getting an aisle seat.

2002 saab 9-3 problem oil light comes on after driving it for 10-20 miles is it sludge related?  Usually, if the oil light comes on, you have more immediate issues than mere sludge buildup.

archie veronica enema:  This is one of Reggie’s tricks, isn’t it?

“walks around the house naked”:  I can imagine Veronica doing that, though maybe not Betty.

niece/booth gunfight 1906 guymon okla:  What, did someone see her walking around the house naked?

borsalino hat california:  According to legend, someone got shot while wearing nothing but the hat.

when he thinks about you less:  I dunno. Have you tried walking around the house in just a hat?

“blue headstone”:  Figure on an extra $600 in the funeral bill.


Strange search-engine queries (648)

Welcome to Monday, to July, and to the second half of the year. Please have exact change. Comimg up: a sampling of the search strings that somehow lead to this site if you drill far enough, and these people evidently did.

geez its warm:  Yeah, July is like that. (Not available in Australia.)

the worst snowstorm ever:  No, July is not like that. (Perhaps in Australia.)

little kid sextube:  Um, we don’t do that here. Kids have it hard enough without having to deal with pervs.

transmission problems with a 1989 Ford Probe:  Issues with a nearly-30-year-old car? Do tell.

wells fargo credit card and 651 fico score:  And that’s why you’re driving a nearly-30-year-old car.

“void is life”:  That’s what happens with a nearly-30-year-old car, especially during rush hour.

puke green:  Of all the colors of bodily functions, this was the one you’d see most often in 1970s kitchens.

like germans:  Doesn’t everybody like Germans? I mean, this isn’t 1944

waxing less frontal nudity:  Actually, in my experience, frontal nudity encourages at least some people to wax more.

fowl mouths:  It’s those goddamn ducks again, isn’t it?

the biggest problem hipster girl is that you’re just too intimidating in your good taste and vaguely-counterculture-but-not-threateningly-eccentric hotness for me to:  Even get it up anymore.

taco bell hiring:  My favorite spot for meeting intimidating hipster girls.

Comments (5)

Strange search-engine queries (647)

On the off-chance that you’ve managed to avoid not seeing this feature, please be advised that it’s not particularly complicated: we look at search strings that point to this site, and we print the ones with the greatest (if any) comedic potential. Nothing special, really, but it seems to work.

“three armed man and three breasted woman”:  Together, an example of nature in balance.

hp “900 pages left”:  Figure at least three ink cartridges and one jam.

users have found ways to hack ink cartridges printers and the system registry to get rid of the time stamp software that forces them to buy new ink cartridges:  Don’t try this on an HP with a 900-page print job pending.

big cog small cog:  Like “good cop, bad cop,” except for robots.

“pantyhose for penis”:  Just don’t come running to me when you have to go to the bathroom.

i wrote haikus about cannibalism in your yearbook torrent:  You wrote all that stuff, the lines about roasting Gramps? You go straight to hell.

ponies drink:  Rainbow Dash has been known to hoist a cider or two.

washed my capital 1 credit card and now i can not read the cvv2 code on the back:  You’ll never make it in money laundering, kid.

i have seen you somewhere:  Nice to know I was somewhere at the time.

when to include the dollar sign:  When it makes no cents otherwise.

“conservatives rooms are tidy”:  Did you have a warrant to examine the premises?

why do we need rocks:  Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (646)

Sometimes you hear from people who are desperate to have their browser history erased before Someone Sees. I’m not assuming that these are the same people whose search strings appear here, but you never know, right?

twelve year itch:  Like the seven-year itch, but its onset is later.

when are easter dresses out:  Late winter or early spring. Not June.

a puckish sense of humor:  Then again, some people are about as amusing as a hockey puck.

how to count in na’vi:  Ask James Cameron’s accountant.

morgan fairchild long red fingernails:  Fetishes are getting so specific these days.

elizabeth montgomery sitting at desk nude:  See what I mean?

heated and cooled seats quit working. won’t work on either driver’s or passanger’s seats for lincoln zephyr 2006:  “And I’ll do anything to avoid going to an actual Lincoln dealer.”

sanctuary tv show clara griffin makeup isn’t invisible:  Well, is yours?

why databases are not visible?  See Clara Griffin’s makeup tips.

“malted barley brain damage mercury “steel reserve””:  I have no idea what this is, but I bet drinking it plays hell with your coordination.

“””we are professional grade” lame slogan”:  Says the amateur critic.

lashes from a whip alternative to prison:  Won’t that damage your orange jumpsuit?

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (645)

Once in a while, we like to kick off our shoes and put our feet up — believe me, it’s easier in that order — and take a peek at the logs, to see what in the world is bringing people to this site.

liam payne chenine lozano midnight memories def leppard copyright infringement:  You throw enough names in there and they’re bound to get you for something.

thanks to a successfulcrowd:  And to show you how successful, here’s a picture of the crowd after some minor Photoshop adjustments.

don’t give me no dirty look:  Because we’ll just erase it from the crowd photo.

textbooks suck:  Not to worry. At present funding levels we won’t be buying any for the next several years.

hobnailed jackboots:  You’ll notice they never wear jackpumps or jackwedges or jacksandals.

publicity plan for a yogurt business:  First, get rid of that godawful word “yogurt.” We suggest “biotic creme.”

how to do sil austin stutter tongue:  You’ll need to eat a lot of yogurt biotic creme.

2cv animated gifL  Which turns out to be faster than an actual 2CV.

maserati gran turismo installation dvd or satellite navigation:  $2750 at the dealership. Or you can just set your phone on the front seat.

why does 1500 silverado heater oscillate between hot and cold on driver side?  Who gives a flip? It’s June.

old farts age 50:  62 is the new 50.

appraisal of uneconomic remnant real estate parcels by a municipality in condemnation:  You’ll have to talk to those old farts at City Hall.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (644)

It’s summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime, and here we are again. (No one writes songs about very late spring, so let’s not get technical; even the National Weather Service considers summer to be the first of June through the last of August.) What we do here is pick out search strings that point to this place, and hope someone finds them amusing.

how to provoke discussion:  Say something — anything — on social media.

material safety data sheet cover girl natureluxe silk foundation:  I don’t think it’s safe to eat any of that stuff.

cromulent assessment:  It embiggens every year.

recently did engine overhaul on my mazda 626 but my gears wont shift:  Don’t take apart things you can’t put back together.

prayer is the best gift from god. no cost but lots of reward:  You might consider praying the next time you overhaul an engine,

worse spelling of erica:  Any such spelling containing a G or W.

mac itunes 11.1.4 audio stutters:  Oh, pish-tosh. Things like that just don’t happen on Macs.

idioms about unexpected future:  Not to worry. Things like that just don’t happen on Macs.

searching their bras:  They’re probably not going to outsource that to you.

forum winstar casino exhibitionist:&nbsp They weren’t exhibitionists. They were just searching their bras.

she made several messy television appearances in which she did not appear lucid:  Well, at least she wasn’t searching her bra.

post menopausal closet communist hag:  Yeah, but did she appear lucid on television?

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (643)

While you enjoy your day off, remember those who gave their lives to make your day off possible. And then feel free to enjoy some of the search strings left behind by some of this site’s visitors.

mid year crisis:  Better now than in January, I guess.

wopking. ripres  At the very least, that doesn’t look like a proper URL.

www.14yr old pussypics:  At the very least, that doesn’t look like a proper anything.

content://downloads/big-slut-taking-big-stiff-cock-6-min.html?interstitial:  Now we’re about as far from “proper” as we can get.

bore and stroke 86 86:  Yeah, I remember ’86. I stroked, she was bored.

summary of if you ask me spellbound” by libby gelman-waxner in new york”:  A sub-thousand-word essay hardly needs a summary.

christy brinkley getting out of limo:  Obviously she has arrived.

angie dickinson million dollar legs:  She could afford a limo if she wanted one.

ain’t i a woman truth mentions slavery in the final sentence of robinson’s version of her speech:  She probably couldn’t afford a limo, but she deserved one.

ming na maxim:  I guess I missed that issue. Damn.

www porn romantick wife faqing front of hasban:  Oh, let’s not start that up again.

what happens when you bite your tongue and hold your breath:  You lose the election.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (642)

We’ve done this a few times before, so you should probably not be shocked that we’re doing it again. After all, people keep searching for stuff, and perhaps they always will.

1956 gum products adventure cards max Schilling #86:  I’d almost bet this was supposed to be Max Schmeling, heavyweight champion of the world in the early 1930s.

best psa:  I’ve had several PSAs, and didn’t like any of them.

new version of cars with gearbox that have l or 2 or 3:  Cars aren’t that simple anymore. Now you have 25 or 6 to 4.

p r n d s l meaning:  You were probably confused by 1 2 3.

yuja wang blue dress:  You should be so lucky.

clogs of war:  Generally don’t look good with a blue dress.

aldi dolley wheels:  And if they point the wrong way, you don’t get your quarter back.

cromulent assessment:  It had been embiggened 4.5 percent since the previous year.

you need your thumb to vacuum clean:  I thought I told you to have that damn switch fixed.

how to provoke discussion:  We wouldn’t be having this discussion if you’d gotten that damn switch fixed.

since i don’t have anyone in my life at this moment i got involved in a greenpeace project at the arctic circle:  Wouldn’t it have been easier just to get that damn switch fixed?

suppose you have drank some magic potion and become invisible for one day write instruction for making an antidote for this magic potion so that you can reverse the action and become visible within an hour:  How do I know you’re really invisible and not just involved in a Greenpeace project at the Arctic Circle?

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (641)

You’ll be pleased to know that no one who showed up here in the logs yesterday was Googling (or worse, Binging) for “your mom.”

Okay, I didn’t check Baidu. I was busy, okay?

ls swap mazda 626 forum australia:  Just what you need in a smallish Japanese sedan: a small-block Chevy mill.

yellow dog design jelly beans step in harness:  Somehow I am made uneasy by the proximity of “yellow dog” and “step in.”

pertinent in legalese:  That’s the trouble with legalese: you can’t always tell what’s pertinent.

a scheer litho lovely playmate:  If the Playmate is wearing something, I hope it’s scheer.

faster then my balloot:  Is this a pumped-up Canuck?

gf-4eat 3-2 down shift solenoid function:  If you have to ask, it’s probably not functioning.

porno mamo klack alman:  Not the maker of Alman Joy.

viola davis bow legged:  Maybe so, but damn nice legs just the same.

goliath promotions lptv:  From before David rocked his world.

what does a transmission pump look like for a 96 ford contour:  Trust me, you don’t want to go poking around in there.

last supper parody:  Try this one: have it at Taco Bell.

dastbury:  How dast you spell it that way?

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (640)

If perhaps you think you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again. Herewith, yet another sampling of search strings that bring people to this very site.

starr faithfull nude porn:  And he didn’t even disguise it with a “Rule 34” designation. Impressive, in its own way.

archie bunker bronx cheer:  Archie lives in Queens, you meathead.

the legend band:  Not to be confused with The Band, who were a legend.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  The one with the strings attached.

thanks to a successful crowd:  I’m guessing they were either numerous or loud, or possibly both.

what size motor is in a ’98 mazda 626:  It’s about this big.

hott pechar holye whod:  Some dressing for that word salad, sir?

tell my regrandings:  Yeah, like you were so grand the first time.

banker ours:  And yet you still can’t qualify for a loan.

pat metheny warner brothers music show:  Well worth the price of a ticket, no matter who’s footing the bill.

vajankle order:  Um, I’ll have two vajankles, please.

what is the code written in the illuminatium testament page 57:  If we told you, we’d have to kill you.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (639)

For the past few Mondays — say, about twelve years’ worth — we’ve been doing this little exercise in curiosity, in which we poke around the logs to see what sort of things people search for on the Web that could land them on this particular site. We do this because — well, hell, what else is there to do on Monday?

invisible woman underwater:  So that’s what that giant bubble was.

And marching on,and marching on, the little we had, the:  More we wanted to say “Screw this” and go home.

“would you like us to send you a daily digest about new articles every day”:  So far, this phrase has turned up 750 times in the log, and not once have we ever offered to send you a daily digest about new articles.

freak pipes 76107:  What would a freak smoke, anyway?

micah buys a used car for 10000:  And it was probably worth at least half that much.

a surplus store gives a scratch-off ticket to 2000 customers as they leave with their groceries. the average amount of their winnings will be:  Right around zero. And who buys groceries at a surplus store?

sideblinded:  What ought to be done to those damn rubberneckers out on the highway.

ryan opens a bank account with $50. each month he deposits an amount that doubles his savings. ryan gets $2 from the bank each month as an incentive for maintaining this savings pattern. which recursive function represents the amount in ryan’s account in any month?  And how many days before Ryan has every dollar on the face of the earth?

ryan destiny:  See above, assuming he follows that scheme.

symjepi:  Romulan for “Steve.”

trojan groove walmart:  I’m pretty sure they sell Trojans at Walmart, but I can’t vouch for their grooviness.

leggs everyday pantyhose:  Well, maybe not those days when it’s 103° in the shade.

Comments (5)

Strange search-engine queries (638)

Once again, it’s time to go wandering among the search strings and see what sort of madness hath driven thy brethren to the Google or the Bing or the Whatever to a page with this brand name thereupon. It happens more often than you think.

femmes chapeaus church:  At least they cover their heads, right?

upskirts vaccine:  Wrong kind of shot, Bucky.

Waiting For The Break Of Day:  I’m guessing it’s 25 to 4. Maybe 26. And what are you doing still up?

someone is wrong on the internet:  Be sure to alert the media.

sickness insurance:  Generally does not pay just because someone is wrong on the Internet.

coaxing pronunciation:  Some people can do amazing things with their mouths.

14.5 inch terror tv animatronics:  Barely a foot across? That’s not much terror.

which scenario best demonstrates the function of money as a measure of value:  How about getting a 52-inch Animatronic Terror TV?

fm receiver 7 little words:  Some people still listen to the radio.

conway twitty discography:  Trust me, it’s only make-believe.

stacy sarran porn:  You mean, like wrapped in Sarran wrap?

i was kaiser bill’s batman lyrics:  You might want to start with an easier song — say, Neal Nefti’s theme for the Sixties Batman series.

Comments (3)

Strange search-engine queries (637)

They keep telling me it’s been springtime for three weeks now, but you can’t prove it by the weather map. So I’m already plenty chilled, which should not stop me from poking around in the search strings one more time.

how do working in demio gear box:  And howdy right back atcha.

bayou boys gone wild:  Named him after a man of the cloth, called him Amos Moses.

buy liverwurst:  Over the Internet? Better pay extra for faster shipping.

slitherhub:  That new dating service for politicians.

zeroths law:  Formerly the Fourth Law, but moved up several spaces.

manchester evening news death announcements:  Well, that certainly cast a pall over the proceedings.

young jailbait selfie & webcam collection:  How old is old jailbait, anyway?

foolish rebecca black:  Aw, she’s not so dumb. Still can’t stand that “Saturday” song, though.

ashkenazi jewish iq:  Aw, they’re not so dumb. Still can’t stand that klezmer song, though.

1936 carlotta drive concord ca:  Not for sale. Then again, anything can happen in California.

pat boone discography:  Don’t have one handy. Isn’t that a shame?

rpm croquet mallets:  We pride ourselves on having mallets toward none.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (636)

What, is it Monday again? Well, in that case, we better get cracking on those search strings, before the readers become restless.

blue angel second album:  Hey, be grateful you could find a copy of their first album.

typical theme parks are opryland and disneyland, areas set aside just for:    Fleecing tourists.

under until upskirts vacuum:  Okay, you got ’em in alphabetical order. Now what?

devon dietary disabled dispatch:  Same to you, pal.

gordon grams grave groove:  And also to you.

dated dealtime declare deficit:  What, are we having an upsurge of people who need to learn how to alphabetize?

sweet dixie kitchen yelp:  Aw, crap, someone poured sugar into the grits again.

sarah has just received her driver’s license:  Well, at least it won’t cost as much for insurance as it did for her brother Bob.

aanr bulletin:  Because you need pictures of naked people who aren’t movie stars.

farfetch discount code december 2014:  I’m pretty sure it’s expired by now.

lucky chevrolet mcgehee:  McGehee didn’t think it was so damn lucky.

what is wrong with frontier internet:  They caught you pirating and your download speed has been cut to 1 MB per week.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (635)

It’s awfully damned close to freezing for a spring day — a spring day that’s not in March, anyway — but we persist in the tepid pursuit of funny, or at least odd, search strings. Then again, we do this in the summer too.

torrentfreak munsters:  Downloadable cheese? Hey, why not?

vaya con queso:  That’s the message you get to tell you that your cheese has finished downloading.

vocals drums, vocals rich engineer:  Most bands only hope they can afford a rich engineer.

rule34 search engine:  If such a thing existed, people would forget about Google overnight.

sickness insurance:  You’ll need this if you spend too much time looking for Rule 34 stuff.

shoulda taken that left turn at albuquerque:  You shoulda thought of that before you got to Saskatoon.

worst keyboard ever:  The one used on Talk Like a Pirate Day, with only one key.

keaton music typewriter for sale:  Does it have at least two keys?

upscale pawn troy alabama:  The only truly Upscale Pawn is on Beverly Hills’ Skid Drive.

seismic dealer south fork co:  Do they carry Acme® Earthquake Pills?

flutes across the world:  And not a reed among them.

queen of waxing kudamm:  Not a title I’d particularly want to earn.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (634)

What, this again? Yes, this again. We’ve done this every Monday morning for several years now, and the premise remains the same: we look at the search terms that brought people to this site, and we hope they’re at least slightly amusing.

In 2004 Congress passed a corporate tax relief bill with 276 Provisions for tax breaks to groups:  276? Is that all? Who was taking the week off?  It’s Russian for “Bing.”  It’s Chinese for “Bing.”

sitting on fence until butt hurt:  Judging by social media, it’s the people not sitting on the fence that feel most of the butthurt.

1987 mazda 626 how to check oil level in manual transmission:  What kind of jackhole keeps a car running for 30 years without once looking in the manual?

where is the vent connection on a cd4e transmission?  Where are you, and why aren’t you at a transmission shop?

civil engineering sign a contract to sell a capital for 900 and receive payment in 5 years time. if the machine cost 600 and the interest rate is 10 percent:  Just imagine how much it would be if they weren’t civil.

topttyenhamsoundmusic:  They don’t play it at your local space bar.

It Was SEX Favorite Bimbo Woman With Ample Boobs And Does Not Suit A Small System Delicate! Mommy:  There is, you know, such a thing as being too specfic.

loss leaders randy newman:  Who is this, a tall person?

bill gaines don martin mad facebook:  These days, everybody’s mad at that furshlugginer Facebook.

and marching on the little we had:  Well, it is March, for a few more days anyway.

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Strange search-engine queries (633)

I don’t know about the rest of you, but my bracket was broken on the very first night. Fortunately, I always have my search strings to keep me company during these lonely days.

today,a civil engineering sign a contract to sell a capital for #900,000 and receive payment in 5:  Years, if they’re lucky.

sextube small girl:  18 years, if you’re lucky.

barges to use as temporary housing owners:  My biggest problem with temporary housing is people barging in.

hott pechar holye whod:  This isn’t one of those Shitty Men Stories, is it?

tell my regrandings:  You can’t tell them from the original grand.

suppose you are about to graduate from high school and your generous aunt scharf makes you an offer. she will give you $2000 today or she will give you $2500 in four years when you graduate from college. assume no inflation or taxes:  A lot to assume. And what the hell kind of name is “Scharf,” anyway?

why does my hold light on auto transmision flash on and off:  If I were you, I think I’d hit up Aunt Scharf for a couple of grand.

mark twain dog pearly gates:  What Bill and Miranda Gates were originally going to call their first child.

mazda 626 engine order of valve adjustment:  Do the first one first, the last one last, and all the others in between.

banker ours:  You’ll have to ask during banker hours.

rebecca black person of interest mp3 audio song download song lover and full album for rebecca black:  Your enthusiasm is appreciated, but “Person of Interest” has never been on an album.

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Strange search-engine queries (632)

Around a hundred people a day visit this site because for some inscrutable reason they actually want to. They are far outnumbered, however, by the people who only know this place exists because Google (or, less often, one of the competing non-Googles) has directed them here from a search string. Which is good for me, because I can get a weekly article out of them.

vance chapman of montage rock group new jersey:  He went on, quite reasonably, to the Vance Chapman Band. (And who, besides me, bought Montage?)

costume supercenter com:  Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be a dot-org.

dumpster rental lenore:  Quoth the trashman, “Nevermore.”

pencilneck geek recommends internet profits:  Certainly easier than recommending losses.

agoraphil form element circular:  Some dressing for that word salad, sir?

i was kaiser bill’s batman lyrics:  Oddly, no more complicated than Neal Hefti’s lyrics for the Batman TV series theme.

leering eyes:  Possessed by everyone who goes searching for anything plus “rule 34.”

lobotomy corporation rule 34:  Especially that guy.

moab base jumping accident:  You couldn’t get me to do it deliberately.

nucleartakes twitter:  Scarcely any takes on Twitter are worth bothering with.

mousley cereal:  Could I have a breakfast without so much rat in it?

jenny scordamaglia touch:  She’s certainly not gonna touch you, ya filthy perv.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (631)

And suddenly, it was Monday again, and off I went to the server room to see if there was anything worth mentioning here.

bbc, bishop, England, abortion, sitting on fence until butt hurt:  What, is Monty Python reuniting?

1956 gum products adventure cards max Schilling #86:  As opposed to Curt Schilling, who wore #38.

p r n d s l meaning:  Did it occur to you to RTFM?

transition klunker craigslist:  Yeah, they’ll transition it right out of your yard.

snopes crickets slowed down:  Who the hell wants fast crickets?

starmade weapon combinations:  Very good weapons, but the shipping charges will kill you.

gfy meaning impractical jokers:  Um, that’s not what GFY means.

“new relic”:  Doesn’t a relic have to be old?

jenny scordamaglia do you dare:  She can dare if she wants, not that it’s any business of yours.

batman instrumental:  It’ll save you the trouble of having to learn the words.

danny’s mother is even-tempered fair and tactful:  Unlike Danny himself, who is a real douchecanoe.

filespeedy bypass:  You could avoid all this angst by simply buying the damn software.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (630)

What we have here, in case you’re new to these parts, is a selection of Actual Search Strings that lead to this very site, as discovered by random Web surfers who really didn’t care where they landed as long as they got results.

search engine queries:  You’re soaking in them.

as the four winners of the grade-school spelling bee posed for a picture, each was recollecting over the day’s success. which of the following children exhibits an external locus of control?  The one with strings attached.

tighty-righty:  They were at CPAC this past weekend.

aaron’s persistent feelings of sadness and impending doom dominate his life. every time he says anything even a little positive to his therapist, the therapist smiles. otherwise the therapist has a stone face. this therapist is probably using some variation of:  Vivarin, to stay awake during this guy’s endless drone.

bayou boys gone wild:  The alligators should take care of that.

upscale pawn troy alabama:  Pawn shops tend not to be upscale.

when alice needs to figure out how to host a work party for 100 employees with a modest $100.00 budget, she needs to be innovative and imaginative. in order for alice to host a successful work party she will need to use:  Visa or MasterCard.

according to the tree diagram below, what is the probability that someone buys a book that is paperback and nonfiction?  People still buy books?

bilingual heroines vol.2:  Apparently Volume 1 was a success.

our automated abuse-prevention system, omnivore, has flagged your recent import for issues that could affect the delivery of your campaigns. your list is likely to trigger spam filters, or generate bounces and abuse complaints:  Or contains unkind remarks about Hillary Clinton.

mazda 626 old model:  The last one was 2002, so they’re all old.

art of misdirection tracker:  We’re sorry, our tracker has been misdirected.

Comments (1)

Strange search-engine queries (629)

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future, or so Steve says, but I keep turning to the recent past, in the hopes I’ll find something at least marginally amusing for this Monday-morning series.

naked toreador:  Not a swell idea. Have you seen these bulls lately?

does fn4a-el transmission has a high speed and high gear shifting rate:  You’re driving a Mazda Protegé, fercrissake. If you’re expecting that, you must be high.

word with rami malek robot want:  Um, you better give the robot what it wants.

maria lost her job because the economy is shrinking. this is an example of:  News, if the GOP is in power.

popeyes chicken oklahoma city:  Just raised their prices about 5 percent, to go with the 0.25% sales-tax increase.

radioactive tender:  Now costs 35 cents more at Popeyes.

costume supercenter party pup pull string pinata home:  That’s a big damn pup, if he can pull a piñata string.

speidel weed wiper:  Holy glyphosate, Batman, what happened to those weeds?

logan, a blind man in his early twenties, was recently hired as a dj at a local radio station in miami. he was given permission by his manager to bring his guide dog to work. in this instance, logan’s employer makes:  Damn sure the dog doesn’t crap on the console.

nudewithfriends:  Presumably very good friends.

newsok oklahoma’s most trusted source:  Possibly, if you can figure out the page layout.

otters and otter-hunting:  You otter be ashamed of yourself.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (628)

It’s yet another Monday, and therefore time for yet another roundup of recent search strings that led unwitting Web surfers to these premises. You’re just as surprised as we are.

shiyou-zumi shitagi:  Yeah, well, that’s easy for you to say.

leering eyes:  Possessed by everyone whose search string begins with “Rule 34.”

quest for camelot rule 34:  Or ends with it.

colonel sanders net worth:  Many, many buckets.

the five percenters:  Probably seven or eight times as many as there are one-percenters.

episode she farts:  Was this Cagney or Lacey?

manor on the hill diggy:  If you really want to get diggy with it, I suggest a manor in a hole.

macgyver is faced with the problem of opening a safe with 10 buttons numbered from 0 to 9. the safe can be opened by pressing three buttons, not necessarily distinct, in correct order. what is the probability that macgyver will hit the right combination?  Have you never seen MacGuyver? He gets it every damn time.

skintrovert:  A nudist who won’t go outside.

yeti дизайн:  All those abominable snowmen look alike.

yeti lawsuit against walmart:  But they resent it if you treat them that way.

fortress proppants:  Sometimes cargo shorts simply won’t do.

Comments (2)

Strange search-engine queries (627)

If you’re new here, this is what’s going down: in a week’s time, we might get 2500 visitors, or even more. Not all of them know that they’re coming here, though; a lot of them are out there on Google or Bing or whatever search engine, looking for something, and the search engine duly puts up a link to the page here that matches it best. And we hope we can find a dozen of them that are worthy of the legendary adjective “strange.”

A Social worker is a director of a senior center. Every week she leads a group where the elders:  Complain that the kids never call, never write, never visit.

what is wrong with frontier internet:  Nothing. It’s just that your whole damn family wants to watch Netflix on half a dozen devices at once.

is how stella got her groove back on netflix:  Not for all six of you.

sexbot feminism:  Once the former is universal, the latter will fade into obscurity.

vehicle user:  No one’s ever gonna accuse you of being overly specific.

batman instrumental:  Well, yeah. I mean, what words could possibly fit?

ford probe transmission swap:  I’ll trade you for my old wheelbarrow and a slightly used sombrero.

undergarments for man:  Throw in a Ford Probe transmission and you’ve got a trade.

navy seals copypasta german:  You might have better luck just sending one through Google Translate.

according to all known laws of aviation copypasta:  I wonder how many Navy SEALs pay attention to the laws of aviation.

invisible schoolgirl:  The way some of these boys act, I don’t blame her.

finedraw:  If you go out in the raw, you may indeed be fined.

Comments (7)

Strange search-engine queries (626)

Welcome to Monday. Please have exact change. And stand by for this week’s collection of oddball search strings, as transcribed by me from actual searchers on the Web who managed to find something resembling what they were looking for right here.

what size engine in a 97 Mazda 6 to 6:  No, dummy. It’s 626, like it says in the header there.

edm drop vocals hooks screams and shouts torrent:  Samples taken from other samples. How meta.

micah buys a used car for $10,000 and spends $200 on a new radio that is made in the u.s. the end result of these two transactions is:  Neighbors grateful he didn’t spend $2000 on some boomy audio system.

disagree band:  You mean, like Oasis? Those twerps couldn’t agree on anything.

lidar 198 success secrets – 198 most asked questions on lidar – what you need to know:  Number 1: “WTF is lidar?”

archie bunker bronx cheer:  Impossible. Archie Bunker lived in Queens.

how to remove shrink wrap from febreze small spaces:  What do you care? It’s not like you’re going to save it.

sierra madre tattler: We don’t need no tattlers. We ain’t go no tattlers. I ain’t got to show you any stinkin’ tattlers.

a savings account compounds interest, at a rate of 25%, once a year. eve puts $500 in the account as the principal. how can eve set up a function to track the amount of money she has? a(x) = 500(25)x where 25 is the interest rate a(x) = 500(.25)x where .25 is the interest rate a(x) = 500(1 + 25)x:  Never mind that. Where is she getting 25 percent while I struggle along with 1.5?

omegle arrest:  Perhaps you should have thought of that before you took off your pants in front of the webcam.

skivvies topeka:  People in Kansas don’t want to get arrested while they’re on Omegele.

symjepi:  Hungarian for “kwyjibo.”

Comments (4)

Strange search-engine queries (625)

Jeebus, we’re five-eighths of the way to a thousand of these? That’s kind of scary. Fortunately, people keep looking for weird stuff, so I probably don’t have to worry about running out of material.

mazda 626 2000 modle is showing hold what could wrong:  I’m guessing you couldn’t get out of your driveway to get to your ESL lessons.

are mazda 626 ge gf automatic transmission interchangable:  Not unless you want to spend a ton of money on ancillary equipment revisions.

dentures in oklahoma city:  Not at all hard to find, unless you’re hoping to be able to afford them.

just two days:  No, you can’t get your dentures that fast.

wnbr london photos:  There exists almost no human activity conducted without clothing that won’t draw people asking for photos.

morgan fairchild nude fake:  Whether those photos are real or not.

gordon grams grave groove:  Grossly great.

hunter s thompson net worth:  Wouldn’t be anything without Raoul Duke.

dumpster rental money:  Did you look in the trash can?

playboys women of walmart:  Probably easier to look at than generalized “people of Walmart.”

combustion 2008:  If it’s still going after ten years, that’s got to be one hell of a fire.

larpers:  Now find some larpees.

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