Are we having funds yet?

Don’t worry, we’ll find the money somehow:

Former health commissioner questions decision to use pregnancy prevention funds for fireworks

Google didn’t recognize this clip (from Bad Newspaper), so I decided to try to figure out which of the dozen or so Carroll Counties this might be. The reference to the Brown Township/Malvern Sewer District gives it away: this is Carroll County, Ohio.

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Ignore that expiration date

You don’t want to do that with milk, obviously, but what if you happen to need a painkiller and the nearest one is positively ancient?

I recently had a bout with severe, immobilizing back pain, which is slowly easing off (the inevitable result of a partially disabling injury back in 2004, which resulted in a spinal fusion and permanent nerve damage). The doctor (not my usual one) initially prescribed a couple of days’ worth of Tylenol 3, and advised me to get it extended by my primary care practitioner when I got home.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get in to see her in the short term; so I looked in my “stash” of previous prescription medications to see what I had that might suit. I found a prescription for Vicodin issued to me in May 1999. I wasn’t sure whether the remaining pills would still be any good after 20 years, but I had nothing to lose, so I tried one. Its potency was probably less than when it was made, two decades before, but it was still more than strong enough to be effective. It’s providing as much pain relief as Tylenol 3, from a lower daily dose (1 tablet every 4 hours, versus 2 Tylenol 3 pills every 6 hours). I’ve got enough to last several days.

My last Lortab dates to 2012. I’m not about to toss it out.

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Flipped away

And now a second flip-phone bites the dust:

This was … spendy. (I went with the iPhone 7, the one US Cellular had, because I didn’t feel up to shopping around; I wanted one by this weekend when I have some travel ahead of me). And there’s the rise in the price of the monthly plan ($25 to about $45, but there’s also the “rental” on the phone; I might later just purchase one and give this one back).

And it’s HARD to figure out, the learning curve is quite steep if you haven’t used a smartphone before. I scribbled down my different passwords and hope I remember which one goes with which thing (or at least that the phone remembers them). It was hot and I was tired and I suspect not in the best frame of mind for things.

I suspect the people in there were laughing at me after I left because I knew so little. Then again, the woman who worked with me said “I don’t use an iPhone, I use Android” and I admit I thought with annoyance “then why not send over someone who DOES use an iPhone.”

To compare notes:

  • My data plan runs $50. (My former non-data plan was half that.)
  • She got a new 7; I bought a not-necessarily-gently-used 6s. On the upside, there’s no rental fee.
  • The learning curve is indeed steep.
  • The woman who worked with me apparently ascertained my exact level of newbiehood and adjusted the palaver accordingly. Ten minutes in, I was reassured; twenty minutes in, I wanted to marry her. (Thirty minutes in, I was halfway home.)

And I called up a rather large number of my contacts, just to make sure I’d transcribed the numbers correctly. So far, I have.

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Tracking of a sort

I wasn’t at home at the time, so I missed all of these OG&E emails:

2:42 pm: “An outage has been identified near [address]. Our crews will restore power as quickly as possible.”

2:52 pm: “Our crews will work as quickly and safely as possible to restore your power. The estimated repair time for the power outage near [address] is 3:38 PM.”

3:17 pm: “We show that the power is back on at [same address].”

Then again, had I been home, I’d have missed them anyway, because the power was off and I haven’t set up mail on the iPhone just yet.

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Crazy from the heat?

It was 103°F — none of this “feels like” garbage, that was the actual air temperature — here yesterday, so I know what this is like, and I also know to ignore infidels who do not honor the memory of Willis Carrier:

Shanker’s kidding. I think. For what it’s worth, my children have always had enough sense to come in out of the heat.

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In excelsis

Gloria DeHaven, who made lots of movies for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, has the unusual distinction of having played her own mother in a movie: in the 1950 picture Three Little Words, a biopic of songwriters Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby, she’s billed seventh as “Mrs. Carter DeHaven.” (Both Carter and Flora DeHaven had been vaudeville performers.)

In 1936, at eleven, she had a bit part in Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times; in the 1940s she blossomed, and after that, television beckoned.

Gloria DeHaven with something on her head

Gloria DeHaven on the cover of Tempo

Gloria DeHaven in polka dots

Because we must, and because you already know the song, here’s Gloria singing “Who’s Sorry Now?” Melody by Ted Snyder, words by Kalmar and Ruby, from, yes, Three Little Words:

A mere 35 years after it was written, Connie Francis got a big hit from this very song. Gloria DeHaven probably heard it; she was working as late as 2000, and she lived to be 91.

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Straddling several lines

In Vent #1120, I tossed out some ideas about possible adjustments to one’s presumed desirability, and how this could be done through body modifications. At some point, I said:

Novelist Francis W. Porretto has a series of stories in which a small percentage of proper biological females somehow emerge from the womb with boyparts.

FWP sent me a long, detailed response; I incorporate sections of it here, along with my reactions, mostly because his ISP’s spam filters suck out loud.

[F]ew persons are aware that there’s a significant sex trade in “tgirls,” largely centered in the Indochinese and Asian Archipelagan countries. Large amounts of money, and a number of charter flights per year, are put to that purpose. It has an outcropping here in North America as well, though much smaller than the mass it’s acquired in Thailand and the Philippines.

I was generally aware of the Southeast Asian market, though I’m pretty sure I’ve been underestimating the size of it. Photos of “ladyboys” are easily come by in the States; as is the case with born women, some are quite lovely, others, um, less so.

Here in the U.S., transsexualism is currently “faddish,” but as I’m sure you’re aware it’s been going on for several decades. The current foofaurauw over it tends to occlude its lineage. Transsexuals who transitioned prior to the emergence of the sociopolitical contretemps have generally lived very private lives; they haven’t gone looking for publicity, if we omit a few exceptional cases such as Tula Cossey and Andrija Pejic. The ones I know — two transwomen — are unhappy about the current state of things. They would like to see a return to discretion and an ethic of personal privacy.

I’m figuring one of them is Blaire White, whom I’ve been following for some time. She takes no crap from those who would set themselves up as Trans HQ. One I follow is Meghan Chavalier, who was active in the porn industry around the turn of the century but has since retired. Her politics and mine are more or less diametrically opposed, but while she describes herself as an “LGBTQ activist,” there’s little to distinguish her Twitter feed from Kirsten Gillibrand’s, though admittedly I have no photos of the Senator with a candy cane dangling from her phallus.

The stories and novels in my Futanari Saga are attempts to explore the transsexualism phenomenon as if it could be divorced from its faddishness and its political components. They’re almost entirely sexual-behavior free. My focus is on the difficulties such persons must face: both the born futanari and the transwomen who elect that state of their own free wills. Like any human being, they seek acceptance, respect, and love. Those things are hard enough for us regularly configured types to find. When one’s coupling gear is nonstandard…?

Sex scenes can be, and too often are, amazingly tedious, and changing the hardware specs won’t make a bad scene less bad.

Oh, and one of those two trans women I admitted to knowing well is a Second Amendment hardliner; she runs a nonprofit called Operation Blazing Sword, which began after a massacre in a Florida gay bar. Their function: to offer training in self-defense to the various letters in the LGBTQ community who have figured out that they can’t count on the authorities to protect them in their time of need. She’s fun to talk to.

Addendum: The very first photograph I ever saw along these lines was back in 1996, with a nude couple strolling the beach. I noted with amusement at the time that her dingus was larger than his. Eventually it dawned on me that it had to be a fake: protrusions notwithstanding, their pubes, when blown up several sizes, proved to be utterly identical.

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Also not part of the plan

“We only expected this many students,” someone must have said:

Around 330 fifth graders previously scheduled to attend Taft Middle School at NW 23rd Street and May Avenue will attend classes in the previously-closed Linwood Elementary at NW 16th and I-44.

It will be called “Taft 5th Grade Center” for the 2019-2020 school year.

Taft Principal Cody Stull will continue to be the principal responsible for the fifth graders with Taft Assistant Principal Amy Daughtery being the daily site leader for the center.

In other news, schools now have “daily site leaders.”

Nor is this the only abrupt change of plans:

Andrew Johnson and Horace Mann buildings will each become “Early Childhood partner program & OKCPS Pre-K Overflow” for neighboring schools that survived the “Pathway to Greatness” consolidation.

Putnam Heights Elementary, closed under P2G, has been reopened to accommodate moving the SeeWorth Alternative School after SeeWorth, Inc. suddenly yanked back permission to use the former campus at 12600 N. Kelley with only weeks to go before the start of school.

SeeWorth, for most of its existence, was a pretty good argument against charter schools: its performance was bottom-level at best, which explains why its campus was vacant.

(Via Christine Woodall.)

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Not part of the plan

There are such things as work clothes, you know:

Police and firefighters escorted a man off the roof of a home who was naked except for a towel.

Police say the man had been trying to burglarize a Culver City condo — while naked — and was spotted by a neighbor, who called authorities.

The suspect fled and tried hiding inside a chimney at a house nearby in Ladera Heights — and became stuck.

Does it get better? Of course it does:

Neighbors said they heard a voice coming from the chimney.

Witness Portia Wofford, not knowing he was the suspect, said she continued to talk to him.

“He also wanted to know if I believed in a higher power because he was telling his story that he’s been drugged, drugs have been laced, he has no clothes on,” Wofford said.

At least one of those statements was true.

(Via Juliette Ochieng.)

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Piano Concerto No. 1

It’s her first piano concerto, so of course it’s No. 1. (In E-flat major, if you’re keeping score.) We’re watching the world premiere of this work, in the summer of 2017:

She was twelve at the time.

Oh, and she’s written two operas, one based on Neil Gaiman’s The Sweeper of Dreams, and a reworking of the fairy tale Cinderella.

It’s people like this, Tom Lehrer once said, who make you realize how little you’ve accomplished: “When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.”

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Dietary fiber

Good enough to eat? Darn near:

Cheese platter by Trevor Smith

By day, Trevor Smith is a local council worker in Victoria, Australia. After hours, Smith creates replicas of elaborate meals and household appliances in crocheted wool. Cheese platters, baked hams, toasters, and hair dryers are carefully constructed using foam armatures underneath the woolen exteriors. Smith has had a lifelong interest in crafts, and shared with The Design Files, “my mother was a talented craftswoman and I was always shadowing her, wanting to be doing what she was doing.”

I’d say he’s done her proud.

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Never could figure out these damn things

And this one is no different:

Typical inscrutable IKEA

(Via Jesse Barrett.)

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So much for your project car

If you’re a shadetree mechanic, there are places where you have no access to the tree:

We’ve seen strict vehicle regulations set forth by Homeowners Associations fairly regularly, but a discussion currently taking place at Grassroots Motorsports has brought to light a block of anti-vehicle-repair code from the County of Sacramento, California. In a nutshell, the ordinance prohibits car and homeowners from performing complex repairs on their vehicles, in your own garages.

An excerpt from the zoning code reveals that residents of the county are permitted to perform “minor automotive repair” at their respective domiciles, so as long as they are working on a car which is registered to someone who lives there. However, the code also states that the repair must be minor (which is defined as “brake part replacement, minor tune-up, change of oil and filter, repair of flat tire, lubrication and other similar operations”) and cannot be performed outdoors if the repair would leave the vehicle inoperable for more than 24 hours.

This is not, apparently, an HOA-styled neighborhood-aesthetics issue:

The code enforcement website, however, explains that the law is in place for environmental and financial reasons:

“The chemicals involved in major automobile repair can pollute our neighborhoods and endanger the health and wellbeing of our residents,” reads the explanation. “Furthermore, this kind of activity increases vehicle traffic and the visual impact can negatively impact property values.”

For a minute there, I was half-expecting a Prop 65 invocation, because DOT 4 brake fluid causes cancer or something.

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Strange search-engine queries (706)

If you’ve seen this before, well, you’re seeing it again: search strings that lead here are compiled each week, and we hope we find a dozen or so worth mentioning.

literotica swiftonsecurity:  Now that I have to see.

child winters wilkins daniels conder mills & boon loves … big sky standoff girl behind the scandalous reputation a bride for the boss the italian playboys secret son:  That, maybe not so much.

Mazda 626 all power goes off and hold indicator flashes:  And here you are, praying for a solution that costs nothing. Not gonna happen.

rosa blasi jock itch:  I do hope she doesn’t suffer from that.

bizatch:  A beyotch with an MBA.

are prunes in dr pepper:  No. If they did, they’d sell it as a medical supplement and jack up the price.

lipping off:  If you think I do that now, you should have seen me when I was a kid.

viagra spokesmodels:  The customers need all the help they can get.

t mobile jingle ringtone:  Must be some Sprint guy getting ready for the merger.

breastwise:  Amazingly, not an actual women’s magazine.

brenda is disappointed in the low ________________ of the book, “and then there were ten”:  Readability?

meredith vieira sexy legs in heels steping on men:  Pass, unless one of them is Matt Lauer.

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You got to use what you got

In the sexual arena, this isn’t as true as it used to be. I think. These days, I can’t be sure.

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Third time’s the charm

Once upon a time, there was a woman who took the name Jasmine Tridevil, and she claimed that through the miracle of cosmetic surgery, she had gained a third breast. (In the interest of aesthetics, all three were in a row, rather than, for example, two up and one down.) Eventually she was Snopesed into oblivion, and that would seem to have been the end of that.

Except that (1) the spotlight continued to call, and (2) why the hell not? So she’s decided to make the hoax into reality:

The more I thought about it, the sillier it sounded. And yet I kept asking myself: “What would be so horrible if she did have an, um, expanded rack?”

So what-the-hell mode kicked in. I figure I’ve gotten four posts from this poor girl and her obsession already; the least I can do is to be supportive.

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