Office of the Speaker
Dear Madame Speaker:
I am writing to you as a natural-born citizen of the United States (copy of birth certificate available on request) who is suffering mightily during this recession. While my finances are mostly in order, my emotional life is a shambles, and therefore, as my share of the national bailout/stimulus package/whatever, I request herewith that the Congress take steps to find me a girlfriend.
I do not undertake this request lightly. The feeling that one is not desired, even in a heterosexual manner, is a serious blow to one's self-esteem generally. We know the Congress takes an interest in self-esteem: this year Rep. Bob Filner (D-CA) introduced a bill to "encourage initiative and promote self-esteem," and while he was thinking specifically of persons who are drawing Social Security for disability, it's clear, given the size of the debt load inflicted on the nation by the Bush administration, that the government cannot afford to let persons with emotional difficulties become disabled as a result of those difficulties and subsequently end up drawing Social Security.
I am at a disadvantage here, inasmuch as I have a day job and cannot take time to fly to Washington to testify before the appropriate House committee. And my understanding of the Troubled Asset Relief Program indicates that I may not meet all the qualifications for a bailout of this sort. However, I believe I can make a case for myself, as follows:
In view of the above, I feel that I have earned some form of relief, and I anxiously await your reply.
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