The Ann Coulter/Dawn Eden Dichotomy

According to Gawker, the New York Observer's George Gurley, too long away from first love Ann Coulter, is now seriously smitten with Dawn Eden. If you, Gentle Reader, come upon this and think, "Hmpf. Another right-wing chick. Big whoop," please be advised that there are Meaningful Differences, some easily discerned, others less so. (You don't have to thank me now.)
Ann CoulterDawn Eden
Market positioning Lanky Loudmouth Petite Powerhouse
Approximate height Over five-three Under five-three
In a department store, where you'd shop for her face Hatchets Plush Toys
Hindquarters No reported sightings "Plump"
Ideal skirt length All the way up to there Not quite that far
Most visible influences Genghis Khan, Lizzie Borden C. S. Lewis, G. K. Chesterton
Ideal audio equalization -12 dB at 2 kHz 0 dB
Chances she'll shave a year or two off her age Virtual certainty Not a chance
Likelihood she'll marry someone in the entertainment industry Define "industry" Define "entertainment"
Most pertinent Association single "Pandora's Golden Heebie Jeebies" "Never My Love"
Would you... well, would you? Well, I've had my shots In a New York Jersey minute

<> | Copyright © 2005 by Charles G. Hill

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